Airing personal laundry
I wish i knew what a conducive environment was... I’ve grown up trying to tell my self the struggle helped me, but the struggle was ultimately my fault because i grew up fighting everything and everyone that told me what to do or be... it’s my fucking fault i don’t feel loved, or comfortable, it’s my fault people let me down because i make the mistake of believing them when they say nice things and when they “try” to help... that probably comes across as sarcastic but i really don’t want it to be, i understand everyone is looking out for their self, and i shouldn’t expect help, and i’ve learned not to expect love, so naturally even when people are grumpy shits to me(about me) i default to being on their side so it doesn’t get any worse. I had the realization(or more like remembrance) that my stubbornness was a legitimate thing when talking to my father a couple hours ago, he told me the only reason he and my mother never really supported me as a child by getting me art supplies or taking me to events was because i would just “fight against it and then not want to do it”... this is half true, but i was so struck by the comment that i agreed with him in order to let the conversation end... I did fight people on stuff, and i still fight against things that are good for me now and again cause it is my defect(it’s not right, and i don’t want to be this person but no one wants to help and i don’t want to admit i’m broken so nothing changes), BUT i have the wherewithal to know that he just excused his way out of not giving a fuck about something his own flesh and blood liked to do his entire life... I started drawing when i was maybe 4-5(probably younger), i remember my bro seemed really good at it and i wanted to do it, and i kept drawing even when my brother stopped... and yet my father still doesn’t know what to get me for my birthday or christmas and resorts to giving me a chrisp $20. I know, don’t be ungrateful, it’s just hard to feel good about it when you have a job that pays me that much for two hours of my time, and the day before he gave me that “birthday present” i gave him $100 towards rent.. i just felt like i was getting $20 off rent for my birthday. Too this day my father does not forgive me for NOT calling him on christmas when i was 14 and thanking him for a playstation 2 that he got me. I understand giving appreciation where it’s due, but he didn’t call me either, and i didn’t even get to play with it until months later when i could get a game to play on it... because of all the bundle sales that were going on at the time he managed to just buy me the system(in his defense he didn’t really ever ask me about what games i liked or why i liked cause he doesn’t take an actual interest in what i like). And my mom was struggling to keep a roof over me and my sister’s head so she put the game on layaway for several months and it became my birthday present, she didn’t really have time to game with me but she knew what i liked so YOU BET YOUR FUCKING ASS I GAVE HER A BIG HUG AND THANKED THE CRAP OUT OF THAT WONDERFUL PERSON! Now i am not completely one sided, my mother has her problems but it hasn’t been a life long struggle that’s left me referring to her by her first name and fearing the gene’s she’s passed on to me.. well, except for those genes that messed her up and left her bed-ridden for months while i took care of my sister basically alone, before finally getting sent to my aunt and uncles house to live with my cousin who hated me and treated me like shit, and my aunt and uncle who treated me like a burden.. because after all. I AM JUST A STUBBORN CHILD WHO KNOWS NOTHING AND DEFIES ALL HELP. Yet now, i still live with family, don’t know what it’s like to go out and get a regular job(only reason i have a job is because my brother put in a good word with his boss, but it’s not a legitimate job and i’m reminded of how fleeting it is every other day i am there), I can easily fall into a slump where i can’t leave the house even though i desperately need the air and walk(because i’m afraid of shit that i shouldn’t be), and when i DESPERATELY needed to call the dental college so they could remove most of my teeth, my dad finally got upset enough that i hadn’t called them that he did for me. On the plus side, i admittedly have come a very long way from my teen self(all i can say is it was a down slope i didn’t want to live through), and i’m getting closer to self sufficiency despite any nay sayers(including my self) but because i am closer to something i didn’t think possible for so long i have that life long feeling that the rug could just be pulled out from under me at any moment and the only thing i have in this world that’s made me feel worth living, creating art, is in question. I could go on for ages about the bullshit i’ve been through, and even longer for all the bullshit my dad has pulled... if i have learned anything from him, i's that you can’t tell just how selfish a person is until you live with them, and the only thing i’d thank some fantastical deity for, is having a brother who can confirm this so i didn’t have to grow up believing his delusional bullshit. Man... i wish i could end this on some kind of a positive but it’s just gonna keep running back through the negatives, and i don’t even want to get to that horrid future where i’m 40 something, wasting most of my time taking care of the man who always demanded answers and cut me off saying “i don’t want excuses!”... the man who would argue with me even when i was trying to agree with him... i’ve said so much shit about him that you might not get that he is the type to walk over and give me a hug and laugh while i am frustratedly trying to explain something for the forth time because he’d keep interrupting me. Should i make it out, and afford my freedom from this hell... i will not talk to my Father(and i say that word with the most disdain i can muster) again.
