#discarnal

[rue-ing]

r/ARCsexual

r/ARCsexual: You’re not necessarily asexual? Maybe you’re somewhere in between grey-a and allo? You’re likely averse, repulsed, or conflicte

Please show my new sub some love and if you’re interested in helping please don’t hesitate to dm!

[arcresources]

Anon submission from our FB page

Hello, I was hoping I could ask for some advice. I think I'm asexual, and I don't have a problem with that, but I don't think I was born that way. My parents were very strict and would not explain sex to me or let me attend any sex ed classes. I never had "the talk". Everytime I asked my mother told me that I wasn't allowed to have it and that men were evil. This really confused me considering how sex is seeped into our society at every level. I was told by classmates about how wonderful it's supposed to be, but not only did I not want it, I feared it. To this day I am upset by sex scenes on television and in movies, but when I was a kid they would make me so uncomfortable that I would leave the room screaming and in tears. 

As for sexual activity, I didn't start masturbating until I was fifteen (I discovered it completely by accident and didn't even know the name of it until the next year) and that's mostly how I deal with whatever arousal that may arise. I have been with my SO for four years now, and lost my virginity to him at seventeen. Sex has never been all that enjoyable to me and mostly I just do it for him. I told him all of this last night and we're trying to find a way to cope. He thinks that going to someone else for his sexual needs is a plausibly, but I'm too jealous to let him sleep with someone else. 

What do you make of this? I'm hoping you or your followers can give me some guidence. Thanks for your time.

This sounds like sexual shame. That's what society teaches us about sex before we hit our teenage years and we're flooded with all the sex obsession about how "great" it's supposed to be. You talk a little bit about not finding sex enjoyable, and a lot about being taught that it's shameful and dirty.

If the shame feelings are still a problem, that likely kills any enjoyment you might find. If you know that you've unlearned those ideas about sex, that the shaming attitudes aren't an issue for you, then it sounds like you're probably sex indifferent--acarnal or discarnal, both of which are pretty "meh" about sex.

Asexuality deals with sexual attraction. If you've never felt that, then you're asexual; you don't talk about that here, and it's separate from libido and arousal, so I can't offer any thoughts on that.

You don't have to open your relationship with your SO if that's not something you want to do. You can be monogamous, faithful, and refuse sex in all your relationships. Not wanting sex doesn't mean you have to allow your partner to sleep around, it doesn't mean you have to settle for less than exactly what you want.

I'll copy/paste this anonymously to our pages to see if our followers have any input too.