#disquieters

[tragediist]

he♩p

send me a musical note : accepting!

i’m vulnerable, i'm vulnerablei am not a robotyou're lovable, so lovablebut you're just troubled

MARINA AND THE DIAMONDS, “I Am Not A Robot”

[effcrvescence]

♩:3

— •.+ ☾  music prompts: send me a ♩— •.+ ☾  status: accepting!!

you’re heavier than i knew / but i don’t want no other, you’re my cameo lover you turn from the skies, you dance with your demise / i’ll be here when you come home we’ve all gotta break down / let me come and break down, there with youopen up your heart, open up your heart / open up your heart and let me pull you out 

cameo lover - kimbra 

[effcrvescence]

just let me buy my fucking nails

“maybe.”

[insouviance-blog]

4, 7, 9 !

4. what seemingly insignificant memories stuck with your character?

no, i want this one and this one, is what elodie says when she’s seven and sitting in the cart, small hands pointing to colorful snacks and drinks as her mom wheels her through a supermarket in koreatown. her mother tells her sweets aren’t good for her, but eventually she relents, a box of strawberry pepero next to gochujang and packets of instant ramen, a carton of eggs and bundles of vegetables. 

when they’re home later, elodie hops on a plastic stool. i want to help!  her mother does not let her use a knife ( she’s too young, she could cut herself, while elodie insists she’ll be fine ), but she allows elodie to dump green onions in the pot of kimchi-jjigae, followed by tofu and a spoonful of gochujang and whatever else she has seen her mom put in before. now we wait. her mother tells her she is so responsible, so helpful, and elodie is so proud. look at her, scooping out rice into bowls and not spilling any on the counter, putting it in the microwave for 2 minutes just like her mom tells her to! 

it is just her and her mother at their small table. her dad is still at work and liam is with his friends. she wishes they were here, too, to see what she did, but it’s okay because her dad is working hard and her brother is annoying. besides, they’ll be home soon.

years later, when elodie is old enough to use a knife, responsible starts to feel like a curse. she is no longer proud of being the helpful one, the hardworking one, the reliable one—she is just tired. she is the only one in the kitchen now, kimchi-jjigae on the stove just like her mother taught her. liam is still with his friends but her father is no longer working hard. 

( she hopes they won’t be home soon. )

7. how does your character feel about sex?

answered here.

9. how many friends does your character want?

answered here.

[jolenebrewer-blog]

4, 12 !

4. What seemingly insignificant memories stuck with your character?

They’re all very disjointed and random:

Six years old. Watching the other showgirls and her mother mill about backstage in their glittering bejeweled costumes, egregious feathers attached to the tops of their perfectly styled hair. She thought that they looked like princesses or something out of a fairytale; baby Jo decided that they were the most beautiful women in the world.

Eleven years old. One of the other girls at a sleepover asked her why she doesn’t have a dad and who would take her to the father-daughter dance at school. Jolene told her that she didn’t know him and she was happy about it since all of the other girls’ dads were ugly anyway. Nobody asked about him again after that.

Seventeen years old. Some sleezy guy on the strip tried to recruit one of her suburban friends into being an “escort outcall”, though anybody who grew up in Vegas proper already knew that was code for under the table prostitution. While somewhat acceptable in Sin City due to all sorts of legal runarounds, it still came with the same amount of bullshit. Jo told him to get lost, but still pocketed the card. She thought on it all night before finally burning the damn thing come morning.

12. What are your character’s major flaws?

HAHAHA better question: what aren’t her flaws? She’s hostile, conniving, disloyal, duplicitous, you literally cannot trust her as far as you can throw her (which might actually be pretty far bc she’s tiny). Jolene only cares about her own survival and finding her mother through any means necessary, everyone else is just a footnote or a momentary resource in obtaining her goal. There are few lines she won’t cross to lodge a knife squarely in the center of your back, it’s a habit which both isolates and drives her all at once.

[apcstasies]

1, 4, 7, 8 >:)

1. what would completely break your character? 

not to be a complete Edgelord™, but as of the current moment, i can’t really see anything completely breaking mateo. i mean, he’s already had to deal with the death of all three of his parental figures, and in his opinion, he really doesn’t think it can get any worse. of course it sucks that he’s alone again, but the lack of attachments to people means that the only thing he has to worry about is his own survival. obviously, that will change as time goes on, because despite how unwilling he is to care about people, he’s a good kid at heart, and he’ll inevitably start forming relationships again.

he might also be broken if ever confided in someone about his past and was rejected for it. because it’s so deeply personal for him, he never ever talks about it. he never even spoke about it to anthony, so for him to let someone in like that is really a big thing for him. and even though he truly does believe that what he did and the lack of guilt he feels for it makes him a monster, deep down he hopes that if he ever opens up to someone then they would prove him wrong. so if they turn on him instead, not only would it just exacerbate his self-worth issues, it would also completely crush any hopes of him ever opening up to anyone else ever again. because it’s one thing to see himself as a monster, and it’s a whole other thing to know that other people see you that way too.

4. what seemingly insignificant memories stuck with your character? 

mateo’s not exactly fond of parties – it’s always too loud, too many people – but he’s well-liked in school, and he has an image to uphold. so when amanda from his fifth period math class approaches his locker friday after school to tell him that her parents are away for the weekend, smiling coyly up at him, mateo swallows the rejection that sits on the tip of his tongue and lies through his teeth, tells her that he’d love to be there. the party’s already in full swing when he gets there, leaning in to give amanda a kiss in greeting and faking a grin when she gets flustered. there’s a cup of something – vodka, by the smell of it, and mateo hates that he even knows this – pressed into his hand, and he makes a note to switch the cup out for water as soon as he can. it’s what he always does, except this time it doesn’t go as planned. connor is the newest addition to the lacrosse team, new to the school as well, and rumour has it that he’d been expelled from his last school for sending a boy to the hospital. he catches mateo pouring the vodka down the sink, and sneers, can’t hold your alcohol, captain? mateo knows that he should walk away, but he knows boys like connor, knows that he loses any hope of being taken seriously out on the field if he doesn’t rise to the challenge, and the athletics scholarship that he’s been eyeing is too close for him to lose it because one of his teammates refuses to respect him. one cup becomes two, then three, then four, then he loses count. when he wakes up the next morning, he barely makes it to the bathroom before he empties the entire content of his stomach. he catches sight of his reflection and freezes––

he’s taller now, broader in the shoulders and chest, skin darkened by a summer by the pool. it startles him, how much he looks like dante álvarez, down to the bags under his eyes. he can’t remember too much of last night, but he remembers feeling free, he remembers not flinching when amanda reached for him, remembers letting her crawl onto his lap without a single complaint. he thinks he understands his father a little bit better now, and he doesn’t want to, doesn’t want anything to do with the man whose hands never knew how to be soft, who taught mateo that to be touched was to be hurt. his fist finds the mirror before he even thinks about what he’s doing, and when he gets home, anthony bandages his knuckles with no questions asked. never again, mateo thinks.

amanda doesn’t ask about the broken mirror in her bathroom, but she sees his still-healing hand on monday and her gaze darkens. she never invites him to a party ever again, and he can’t find it in himself to care.

7. how does your character feel about sex? 

answered here, but tl;dr it’s never really been a priority in his life, and even less so now. but he does enjoy sex as a physical act, although he would absolute not tie emotions and vulnerability to that, so if he does sleep with anyone it’s usually a one-off thing.

8. how many friends does your character have?

more than he realises ! so the thing with mateo is that when he was new to omaha, he was still dealing with everything that happened, and his relationships with his peers were all very calculated. ‘help sally out during math class so she will sit with me at lunch’, or ‘invite brad over after school so he will stop asking questions about where i came from’ –– basically he always had an agenda for his friendliness. over time, he gradually became less jittery and more comfortable, and it became more of a ‘i’ll be nice to this person so they’ll be nice to me’ or ‘i’ll help them out now and maybe they will be willing to help me in the future’ which is pretty much the definition of a friendship, but mateo’s so far removed from normalcy sometimes that he doesn’t realise that, and still thinks of himself as that scared little boy who forged relationships solely for selfish reasons. 

[nohcrms]

4, 12 ✨💕💖

crucial muse development questions

4. what seemingly insignificant memories stuck with your character?

yikes, so many !! neve can be very sentimental and nostalgic tbh. i think one thing that she has encountered recently is a small book from her childhood called ‘gossamer’ that she found in the emergency waiting room. it’s a book from her childhood–given to her by her mother. even the sight of the cover took her breath away and she has squirreled it away into the icu room that has become her home.

12. what are your character’s major flaws?

neve can be all business when it comes to getting things done; it’s hard to focus on sitting with things, when her whole life she has lived from one emergency to another. sometimes she can seem aloof or cold, but her best way of helping others is to problem solve and understand. 

a tendency towards self-righteousness and a vestige of her childhood, neve is used to being the smartest, most capable person in a room. there’s no ego in it and it’s well earned, but it does make her a bit stubborn at times. she holds onto her principles with claws and keeps them close to her heart. anyone threatening the things she holds dear would find themselves on her bad side.

speaking of which … neve believes in second chances and that as long as someone is living, they have the opportunity to change their life. that being said, there is a tipping point where her love and support dries up. when neve feels wronged, manipulated, or betrayed–she is the queen of the cold shoulder.