The Car: Disruptionist Driving
This piece is solely for entertainment, mostly mine. The actions described may be illegal in many jurisdictions. They also may be unsafe in all jurisdictions, including outer space. Please don't attempt to drive your car in outer space.
Whether I'm fighting for space and distance with thousands of day-people on the treacherous daily commute, speeding down that desperate most American roadway (I-95) on a capricious weekend slog toward the City of Magnificent Intentions, taking the comparatively light journey to the Mountains for a summertime nature binge, or just driving aimlessly near my hometown with a special person in my passenger seat, I find a certain joy in driving. It seems that most people hate driving, and the car is fast becoming a strictly utilitarian item.
In American society, the ownership of a car is almost necessary, and driving is becoming Not So Fun anymore. Since our government seems to not know how to properly collect taxes and use them for the collective good, American infrastructure is aging and the state of mass transport is pathetic. Ergo, millions of people drive cars on congested, crumbling roadways everyday from "point A" to "point B". Quite a few drive angry and frustrated as they jockey for space and time on the road. If you work with day-people you may hear them complain out loud about this: "Man, Route 3 was just jammed this morning and some jerk cut me off and the the sun was in my eyes and I barely had time to gulp down my 64 oz coffee and greasy breakfast sandwich before work and blablabla..." ad nauseum.
But driving does not have to suck and it does not have to be boring, because it's not what you do but how you do it. If you ask anyone who has been in my passenger seat they will tell you that I drive joyfully, gleefully, creatively, even absurdly. (Driving is already absurd if you think about it. I mean come on! It's pretty much totally nuts to be inside a metal box on wheels traveling 5-10 times the speed you were evolved to go! And doing it alongside thousands of other fast metal boxes on wheels! So many variables! Death is always a moment away! Anyway...) I do things with my car that are unnecessary, maybe even disturbing or unsettling to other motorists. I drive to disrupt, to agitate, to vary. Sometimes I aim to put other drivers on the spot, to awaken and jarringly pull them out of their 9-5 reverie, get them to think, get a reaction. I like to explore the interactions I can have with my fellow motorists through gestures, yelling, and my car's "body language." If nothing else, I drive for my own personal entertainment and laughter. So, yes, if you're wondering, I am that jerk in the tiny, shitty Honda who weaves in and out of traffic and takes every chance to pass you - but I'm also much stranger than that.
Here is a non-exhaustive list of things I do with my car while driving:
I get as close to things as possible when stopping. I will get very close to your rear end while stopped in traffic. I park as close to the wall as possible in the parking garage. If my front end will fit under a bus or large truck, I do it. (This really mystifies people.) I often wish I had a mirror on my hood like bus drivers do -- it would increase my precision to within millimeters!
There are lights on everyone's car that other people can see that you control with your hands and feet! It seems like people don't know this because they are so boring with them! Directionals and brakes can be activated in time with music when it's time to announce your turn or stop! Headlights can be flashed randomly, or to warn of police!
In slow, heavy traffic, I often challenge myself to drive with my hands only. Using the parking brake and the engine's own initial power, I keep this up as long as possible. This probably confuses people because the parking brake doesn't activate my brake lights. It also makes them angry because I'm not moving fast enough for them, even though I will eventually reach the car in front of me if the traffic hasn't dissolved by then.
The horn is a communication tool. I use it often. I keep the buttons depressed for longer periods of time than usual. I punch the buttons in rhythm with music. If you are driving in front of me and defenestrate garbage from your car, be prepared for me to have my horn blaring for as long as I am following you. It's just my way of saying "I SAW THAT. I SAW WHAT YOU DID AND I AM CALLING YOU OUT. GO AHEAD, GO HOME AND TRY TO GET SOME SLEEP KNOWING THAT SOMEONE SAW YOU LITTER, YOU DISGUSTING CREATURE!"
I coast. A lot. If I'm driving down a substantial grade, I shift into neutral and let gravity do its thing. Maybe it saves gas, maybe it doesn't, but it's fun and hilarious. This is also illegal in most states, but completely unenforceable.
I gleefully perpetuate gridlock, and take other safe opportunities to disrupt traffic.
I point at other drivers a lot. As in "YOU! GO NO FURTHER! I HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY!"
You know how those two unbroken yellow lines in the middle of the street sometimes turn into broken yellow lines in the middle of the street? Well, if the broken lines are on your side of the road, that means it is legal to temporarily travel in the left lane (if it is safe to do so) in order to pass people in front of you! How crazy is that?! Most people seem to not even know this. I take every opportunity to do this, even especially if it yields no advantage to me. If I pass one person at the end of a train of slow-movers I imagine it is very confusing. They may be thinking, "What does this guy have against me?!" I find it amusing that people insist on hiding in their cars and avoiding eye contact as much as possible, while assuming that every slight committed against them is of a personal nature.
One of my favorite things to do is to match the speed of a car in an adjacent lane on the highway and stare at the driver. I strive to make eye contact. As I hint at in the previous bullet point, the car exterior can be a sort of curtain that hides the human within, so I seek to penetrate that. It really freaks people out, and I love it.
