seen from Canada
seen from China
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seen from United States
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seen from Portugal
seen from Malaysia
seen from Portugal
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Glorious art commissioned from @just-a-nervous-bean ! Thank you so much, I love your art! Their expressions are delightful!
Scene is from part one of Against All Sense (which I swear I will get back to soon)... Silly Perry should have heeded Talavin's advice and stayed in camp until that cold cleared up...
GUYS EVERYONE GO COMMISSION @snzysocks THIS IS DELIGHTFUL!!!
Art commissioned from the amazing, talented, and wonderful @just-a-nervous-bean ! Perry finally got his druid powers! He just had to die for them for a little while. It's fine, don't worry about it. Sweetheart, I know you're very proud of your new powers, but you can't go druidcrafting flowers. You are still an allergic disaster!
NEW SOCKS ART DROPPED!
Seriously, if anyone is looking for commissions, @snzysocks is amazing!!!
(Am I commissioning too many Perrys? Perhaps... But it's for morale!)
Poor Perry, his future father-in-law's cat, Euphemia, loves him so much. And he loves her too! But she does make his nose itch...
Against All Sense
Finally back to writing!
This one's set on the first Underdark expedition, with Perry, Janessa, and Talavin seeking some ancient ruins, and stumbling onto a nefarious plot. Perry's cold puts the party in danger, as he struggles to keep his sneezes quiet...
This one's a bit more plotty than my more romantic fics; figured, since this is a DnD type setting, I needed to get to the adventuring part eventually! CW for an injury and some blood at the end.
Stay tuned for parts two and three!
“I’m so terribly sorry, but perhaps we might… HhHISHYIEW!... rest a moment?”
Talavin cursed under her breath, turning an irritable gaze upon her two charges. Janessa, despite her gnomish small size, was keeping pace well, driven by enthusiasm for the deep gnome ruins they had set out to find. Perry, however, had once again fallen behind. The cold he had insisted was “barely a sniffle” when they left camp that morning had been worsening at an alarming rate. Now that they had stopped, he leaned against the stone ridge at the side of the path, glassy-eyed and out of breath, pressing a handkerchief to his nose and plainly readying himself for another sneeze.
Talavin let out a huff of annoyance.
“I said you weren’t fit to leave camp. We should have waited until you shook off your latest plague. Sit for twenty minutes. If you don’t look better after that, we’re going back.”
Janessa looked up at her in disbelief.
“We can’t go back now! We must be so close! I’ve seen all the landmarks my family mentioned in their notes, the ruins have to be nearby!”
“They’re ruins. They aren’t going anywhere.”
“But we already walked so far, and Perry can have a rest once we get there!”
Perry, having caught his breath but lost the sneeze, straightened up and came to join them, patting Janessa’s shoulder reassuringly.
“Janessa’s right, we’ve already come this far. A quick rest and some water, and I’ll be quite ready to carry on. Come and sit, Janessa. We’ve been walking for hours, your legs must need a rest too.”
Janessa groaned, but allowed Perry to lead her to a mossy clearing by the edge of the path, surrounded by great stone pillars and patches of bizarre fungi. Talavin watched as Perry settled himself down on a rock, coughing into his handkerchief, then fumbling with the stopper of his canteen. As he tried to calm the coughing with careful sips of water, Janessa slumped onto a patch of rock beside him, removing her boots.
“Guess I could use a rest. Mum put so much detail in her notes about her expedition, but she never mentioned the blisters! Look at this one, it’s as big as a coin!”
Talavin, unfamiliar with the area and wary as a result, looked up and down the seemingly long-abandoned path, then joined them in the clearing. Looking for hand and footholds on the pillars, she made her way to the top of one with a series of graceful leaps. Once at the top, she settled herself, still as a statue, able to survey her surroundings and the two figures beneath her.
As Janessa tended to her blistered feet, Perry looked at the nearby fungi, putting away his canteen and removing his journal from his satchel. Eyes alight with interest, he began sketching a coral-like red growth, reaching up from the moss like gnarled, clawed fingers. It was amazing how, despite clearly feeling miserable, all it took was an interesting specimen to bring a delighted smile to his face. Talavin almost envied him.
“Janessa, look at that! I’m sure that’s devil’s lash! I’ve never seen a specimen in person, but it was described in one of Professor Palegill’s earlier works. He was the one to name it, for the burning and blistering it causes upon skin contact. He said he’d rather be lashed by all the devils in all the hells than touch one again! Though it’s not the mushroom itself that causes the burning, but the… Hhehhhh… HEHSHYIEW! HhhHISHYEW! ISHYIEW! SNF!... Ugh, I beg your pardon. Erm, where was I?”
“Really painful mushroom. If it’s that bad, maybe don’t get so close?”
“I’m not touching it. Not with my bare hands, at least, though I’d love to collect a sample. As I was saying, it’s not the mushroom itself, but the parasitic slime mould that infests it that… that causes… HhhhHISHYIEW! SHYIEW!”
Talavin flinched. Perry’s sneezing had a pitch to it that seemed perfectly calculated to echo in the vast, cavernous depths of the Underdark. She looked about, gazing over the ancient path, the rocky ledges that lined in on either side, and the distant stone ceiling above. Some glowing eyes looked down, seemingly drawn to the sound, but nothing seemed poised to pounce. Yet. She turned her attention back to Perry.
The man had no business being here. Muffling yet another sneeze into his handkerchief and blowing his rapidly reddening nose, he looked pale and fragile, with a light sheen of sweat on his brow. Whether from a fever, or simply the hours of walking, it still marked him as weak and unfit. At least Janessa, though just as much a soft surface-dweller as Perry, had come armed. Having finished bandaging her blisters, she was now tinkering with her ridiculous cannon, an invention of her own design. Talavin had seen her put it to use. It was unsubtle, unstable, and had enough of a knockback to land the gnome on her backside when fired, but it was something. All Perry carried by way of weaponry was a small knife for harvesting mushrooms, and vials of various spores.
Talavin looked down at them, placing herself in the mind of a bandit, or worse, a drow patrol. She would take Janessa first, in the moments where she tried to ready her unwieldy cannon. She was small, and would break easily. With her neutralized, she would then turn her attentions to the sickly Perry. He was building up to another sneeze, watery eyes squeezing shut, handkerchief pressed to his nose. Weak. Diseased. Easy prey.
“Hhihhh… Hehhh… HiieeSHIEW! SNF! I beg your pardon.”
Tending to his nose, looking a little dazed from the violent sneezing, Perry looked around. Spotting where Talavin had perched, he smiled up at her, blissfully unaware that she had been contemplating the order in which she might kill him and his companion.
“Are you quite comfortable up there?”
“Comfort is irrelevant. I need to see if that damned sneezing is drawing any attention.”
Perry knew better than to press the issue. He turned his attention back to the devil’s lash, mushroom knife in hand, seemingly contemplating how to collect a sample. Talavin once more turned her attention to her surroundings, the points of her ears twitching as she listened intently.
The clattering of stones falling in the distance.
Water dripping from stalactites.
The shriek of some small creature becoming some larger creature’s next meal.
A voice.
Talavin froze. The voice was too distant to pick up the words, but she recognized the tone of a command being shouted. Heartbeat quickening, she leapt from her perch, landing with the quiet grace of a predator. Perry looked to her in concern.
“Is something wrong?”
“Perhaps. Stay here. Stay quiet.”
Her feet making no sound as she hurried back to the path, Talavin kept to the shadows beneath the rocky ledges that bordered it. Ears twitching, breath carefully controlled, footsteps quick and silent, she hurried in the direction of the voice. As she drew closer, it sounded again, somewhere ahead. This path evidently wasn’t so abandoned as it had seemed.
“Olot Dos! Careful with that chest! Break what’s inside, and I break your skulls!”
Talavin froze. She knew that voice. She would never forget it.
Jys’tyrr.
A sorceress of House Zaurret.
Her sister.
Old scars on Talavin’s back burned at the memory of their last confrontation. Malice and magic, running, hunted, lungs and muscles burning, mind blank, heart pounding… She had barely dragged herself away alive. Fear flooding her veins, she turned, running for the clearing as silently as she could. Alone, she might be able to flee Jys’tyrr, but her charges would stand no chance.
Perry was waiting by the side of the path, looking concerned, and Talavin pushed him back.
“What is it? You look as if you’ve seen something dreadful!”
“I have, and it’s coming this way. Behind the pillars. Now.”
Janessa leapt to her feet, cannon in hand.
“We need to be ready for a fight?”
“You need to shut up, and hide.”
Talavin seized the gnome by the arm and dragged her behind the largest of the stone pillars. Perry joined them, kneeling in the shadows, pressed close against Talavin’s side. This close, she could feel the warmth of his skin. Too warm to be healthy. To her sensitive ears, his congested breathing sounded dangerously loud. Why had she not forced them to remain in their camp? She glared at him as he gave a damp snuffle, his nose twitching, and he gave her an apologetic look as he buried the troubled appendage in his handkerchief. Her words came out barely louder than a breath.
“Absolute. Silence.”
They remained, kneeling together, tense, listening. Twice Perry had to clamp his handkerchief over his mouth and suppress a ticklish cough, going red in the face as he tried to control himself. Each time, Talavin elbowed him sharply in the ribs, glaring at him.
The sound of footsteps grew closer. Leaning over Janessa, trusting the shadows to cloak her, Talavin leaned around the pillar, just enough to see the path. As the footsteps grew closer, a voice sounded once more. Male, this time, out of breath and annoyed.
“Oi, we’re not your slaves. Let us set this down a moment. It’s been in storage that long, another few minutes isn’t going to make a difference.”
“I ought to have brought slaves. They don’t speak, and don’t beg for rest. But Duke Rousseau assured me you were competent. I find myself doubting his judgment more by the minute.”
And there she was. Jys’tyrr, exactly as Talavin remembered her. Her voice clipped and cold. Slender, elegant, robed in black silk, adorned with silver ornaments. Her hair a perfectly straight curtain of white, her ruby eyes lined with kohl. Her fingers each tipped with a delicately crafted silver claw. Talavin had felt their sting before.
“Doubt all you like. Put it down here, Brasha, it’s as good a place as any for a rest.”
More people had approached behind Jys’tyrr. Six drow guards, silent and disciplined, armed with swords and crossbows, dressed in the regalia of House Zaurret. And, carrying a large crate between them, a human man in leather armour, and a muscular orc woman, her bare arms heavily scarred. They set the crate down with a thud, and the man promptly sat down on top of it.
Talavin moved back behind the pillar, meeting her charges’ eyes.
What she saw made her heart race, turning her blood to ice.
Perry’s eyes were closed, and he had clamped his handkerchief over his nose and mouth, his knuckles turned white with the pressure. He was plainly fighting the urge to start hitching in desperate breaths, and he shook with the effort. He tried to open his eyes, looking from Talavin to Janessa in silent apology.
Just as he looked ready to lose his battle, Talavin grabbed his arm and dragged him closer. She wrapped one arm around his chest, squeezing tight, and with her other hand, she broke his weakening hold on his nose. Before he could gasp in a breath, she replaced his grip with her own.
Warm moisture leaked over her fingers as she pinched his nose shut. Her palm pressed firmly over his mouth, and she felt his lips twitch as he tried to breathe. Talavin tightened her grip around his chest in response. Better he suffocate than bring Jys’tyrr down upon them.
Jys’tyrr seemed to have drawn closer. Talavin flinched at the sound of her voice.
“Were you of House Zaurret…”
“Yeah, yeah, you’d have us flogged.”
“Flogging? Hardly. So very… inelegant. Our methods of discipline are far more refined. And far more painful. A pity our Matron Mother forbids their use on you. For now.”
Perry shuddered, his head jolting forward into Talavin’s hand in a silent attempt at a sneeze. She debated briefly loosening her grip and allowing him a breath. He was going red in the face, beginning to instinctively struggle against her. She felt his nose squirm against her fingers, desperate for relief, and squeezed tighter. He would need to endure a little longer.
Janessa, looking panicked, reached out, rubbing Perry’s arm in an attempt at reassurance. She met Talavin’s eyes, mouthing “what do we do?”. She looked to her cannon, and Talavin shook her head. Perry squirmed, his head jerking forwards with another useless attempt at a sneeze. And another, and another. His nose was clearly desperate to purge whatever tickle tormented it.
The man sitting on the crate went on.
“If all your lot are so bloody impressive, why aren’t they lugging this thing? Or are they just here to look pretty?”
“They are elite soldiers of House Zaurret. Such work is beneath them. Silencing you, however, is not.”
Perry managed to move his head just enough to break Talavin’s seal over his mouth, drawing in an urgent, hitching breath.
“Hhieehhh!”
Talavin, chest beginning to tighten with fear, gripped him all the tighter, her mind frozen with terror as he shuddered against her with another forcefully stifled sneeze. Thankfully, the sound was covered up by the orcish woman speaking.
“Stop your whining, Keller. You want to make yourself look pathetic, fine, but don’t drag me down with you. Get back on your feet, let’s get moving again.”
“One of you, at least, speaks sense. Listen to the brute. Back on your feet.”
Talavin closed her eyes, offering a silent prayer to the gods she usually cursed.
Let them leave. Let them leave now. Let this fool stay silent a little longer.
Perry’s struggles were growing more desperate, and he instinctively grabbed at her arms, trying to break her grip. But even in his desperation, the sickly scholar was no match for the strength Talavin’s brutal training had wrought. Sweat now streamed down his red face, dampening his hair. Tears leaked from his eyes, trickling over her fingers.
Boots shuffled on stone, and timbers creaked as the crate was hoisted.
“Hells, what did the old man put in this? Lead bricks? Brash, how are you not breaking a sweat?”
“Stop your whining. If I can bear it, so can you.”
“Silence, the pair of you. Onward. No more stops.”
With a clank of metal armour, the guards resumed their march. With much grunting and cursing, the crate-bearers followed. Talavin kept her eyes closed, certain her sister would hear the hammering of her heart. She felt a small hand grip her arm, and looked down to see Janessa, her expression half fury, half terror, gesturing to Perry and barely mouthing her words.
“Let him go, you’re choking him!”
Talavin shook her head, eyes fierce, still listening as the group moved onwards, the sounds of voices and boots fading. At last, she eased her grip just enough to allow Perry a desperate gasp of air, then clamped her hand back in place. She hissed a command at Janessa.
“Spare handkerchiefs. Anything at all to smother the noise. Now.”
Janessa nodded and searched through Perry’s pockets, pulling out several handkerchiefs, some clean, some quite thoroughly used. From her own pockets she pulled a grime-stained rag, and tugged the bandana from around her neck. She hastily bundled the fabric together and offered it, and Talavin released her grip, snatching it up.
Perry, red-faced, eyes and nose streaming, fell forward, catching himself on his hands. He gasped in a breath, high-pitched and wheezing in its urgency, his eyes squeezing shut. Talavin grimaced at the pitch of that first gasp, and the increasing urgency of those that followed.
“Hahhhh! Hahh… Hahhh… Hehh… HeeEEHHHhh… HiieeeEEHHH… HhhhhieeEEHH-MPPHH!”
Talavin pulled him back against her and clasped the bundle of cloth over his nose and mouth, smothering the long-awaited sneeze, and those that tumbled desperately out after.
“HHmmMMPHHHH! MHHPHH! HHHhhhHeeeEHHHMPH!”
On and on it went, Perry jerking forward in her hold, shaking and sweating, muffling sneeze after sneeze into the fabric. To Talavin’s ears, each still sounded terrifyingly loud, and every time Perry paused to draw breath, she held her own, listening for any sign that the sound had reached her sister, and that she and the torment she brought with her were approaching fast.
No such sound came. Just the panting, sniffling, coughing, and muffled sneezing of the sick man in her arms.
At last, after several minutes had passed, and Perry seemed to have sneezed himself into exhaustion, Talavin released her hold, allowing Perry to take hold of the fabric bundle himself. Shaking, sweating, utterly spent, he slumped back against the pillar, separating a handkerchief from the tangle of fabric and giving his nose a wet, weary, and very much needed blow.
Janessa glared at Talavin, coming to stand by Perry and placing a steadying hand on his shoulder.
“What in nine hells was that about? Were you trying to kill him?”
Talavin, willing her racing heart to calm, met her glare coldly.
“It takes longer than that to smother a person. I speak from experience. And I just saved your lives. Were we discovered, you would beg to die so easily.”
“If you’d hurt him, you’d beg for that! Whoever that was, we could have taken them! We took that umberhulk the other day!”
“You foolish, pathetic little creature, you haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about! An umberhulk? Nothing compared to what I just saved you from!”
Perry staggered to his feet, swaying slightly, and stepped between them.
“That’s quite enough of that. Janessa, thank you for the defense, but I don’t think I could have kept quiet on my own. And Talavin… Are you alright? I could feel you shaking. You looked terrified.”
Talavin tried to school her face back into an impassive mask, forcing her breathing to slow and her muscles to relax, but there was no hiding the tremor in her hands. She avoided Perry’s eyes, knowing the gentle concern she would see there, and furious at it without even needing to see it.
“That was a sorcerer of House Zaurret. To fall into her hands would be… unfortunate. To say the least.”
Perry’s brow creased in concern.
“House Zaurret? Is that not…”
“My own former house. Yes. So please trust me when I say I speak from experience.”
Janessa let out an annoyed huff, shouldering her cannon.
“A sorcerer’s basically just a wizard, right? I could have downed her with one shot before she got a single spell off!”
Before Talavin could snarl a reply, Perry held up a warning hand.
“Easy, Janessa. Let’s listen to Talavin. She’s the expert here.”
Talavin, still shaking with unspent adrenaline, turned her glare to Perry.
“If you know I’m the expert, why did you not agree to stay at camp? Your condition could have gotten us killed!”
Perry flinched, and nodded. Fishing a clean handkerchief from the bundle he held, he mopped at his damp face, letting out a sigh that turned into a congested cough.
“A part of me truly wishes I’d listened. In truth, I’m starting to feel a little wretched. But another part is glad we came this way. Did you hear what they said? What name?”
Talavin scowled, folding her arms tightly across her chest to conceal the shaking of her hands.
“What do I care what their names are?”
Janessa, after a few moments lost in thought, widened her eyes in realization.
“Wait… Duke Rousseau?”
Perry nodded, looking grim.
“Then it wasn’t just me who heard it. Damn, I was hoping it was just the congestion getting to my ears!”
He coughed, pressing a hand to his chest, and blew his nose again. Talavin looked from Perry to Janessa, awaiting an explanation for their grim faces.
“Who is this duke? Why do you care about some nobleman?”
Janessa groaned, and pointed at Perry.
“Blame him! It’s because of this Serafina he’s so damned smitten with…”
“I’m hardly smitten! Miss DeVille is simply a dear friend. And her family may very well become entangled with the duke’s, should her younger sister marry his son. If he’s involved in something suspect, they deserve to know.”
Talavin gave a snort of derision.
“My congratulations to them. Again, why do we care? We need to get moving, before more come, or before they return! Don’t complain, gnome, your ruins will still be there another day!”
Perry reached out and laid a hand on Talavin’s shoulder, stopping her from turning away. She shot him a fierce glare, a silent reminder of how easily that hand could be broken. Maddeningly, he did not look afraid.
“Talavin, the duke is an antiques dealer. He was no one, just someone we all assumed came into an unexpected inheritance, or something of the sort. But here he is, dealing with a house of drow who, according to you, are known for sorcery, and for cruelty. So, why… wh… hhhHHihhh… HhIESHIEW! SHIEW! HhhhIYESHYIEW!”
And he was off, sneezing again and again. As Janessa came to his side to steady him, Talavin closed her eyes, feeling her chest tighten once more. She bit at the inside of her cheek, fighting down a cry of frustration, and forced her voice to remain level as she spoke.
“And why would House Zaurret lower themselves to dealing with surface dwellers? In the time I was there, they would have spat upon the mere idea. The only surfacers they dealt with were slaves.”
Perry, emerging from the handkerchief with a series of damp snuffles, nodded gloomily.
“Talavin, I’m afraid I have something to ask of you.”
“No.”
“I won’t ask you to help me. I’ll take full responsibility myself. I only need to know…”
“No! Whether it’s assistance or information, I’ll not be helping with either! I was paid, and paid well, to keep you alive! If you go meddling in the affairs of Hause Zaurret, you will be killed, and my reputation will suffer! Especially if this involves my sister!”
Perry’s eyes widened, and then softened in sympathy. Talavin quietly cursed herself.
“Your sister?”
Talavin turned her head away, refusing to meet those soft eyes, forcing her voice to remain impassive and level.
“The sorcerer. Jys’tyrr. One of a pair, together with her twin, Jhael’tyrr. Both inherited our mother’s gift of sorcery. Myself and… Well. I did not inherit it myself. I’m glad for it. If I had that sort of power, I doubt I would have been allowed to escape so easily.”
Perry nodded, sniffling and wincing as he dabbed at his nose, letting the information sink in. When he spoke again he was plainly trying to speak calmly, but failed to keep a waver from his voice.
“It isn’t fair to ask you to get involved. Nor you, Janessa. But, Talavin, if you could let me know what I’m likely to encounter…”
“Death is what you’ll encounter! And it’s unlikely to come quickly! No. I’m not helping. See sense, and walk away!”
Perry sighed, shaking his head.
“Then will you stay with Janessa, and get her back to camp safely? I think I can find my way back on my own.”
Janessa let out a groan of frustration.
“You seriously think I’m letting you go chasing after a pack of mad drow alone? Not happening!”
She looked up at Perry, jaw set, eyes blazing with fierce determination. He smiled, patting her on the shoulder, and looked to Talavin.
“We’ll meet you back at camp, then. Wish us luck?”
Talavin shook her head, eyes wide with disbelief, hands shaking, breath quickening. In her mind’s eye she saw Jys’tyrr’s face, alight with gleeful malice.
“Luck be damned, I wish you sense! I won’t tell you again. Forget this, and move on.”
The accursed creature instead gathered his satchel and journal, and gave her a deeply unconvincing smile of reassurance as he made his way to the path, Janessa at his side. Talavin watched, fighting the urge to scream after them, as they set off. Instead, cursing under her breath, she turned away, setting off on the long walk back to camp.
This was their choice. On their own heads be it!
Another face surfaced in her mind. Almost indistinguishable from her own, save for the scar on her cheek. Eyes wide and damp, pleading.
“Really, Avin? Everything we’ve been through, and you’ll leave me to go alone?”
*****
“Well, the good news is, looks like we found your ruins…”
Perry and Janessa knelt side by side at the top of a cliff, partially hidden by a rocky outcrop, looking across a chasm towards a great stony plateau on the other side. An ancient iron bridge extended across the chasm, and at the centre of the plateau was something Perry had seen time and time again, sketched in Janessa’s notes. An ancient, ornate temple, its crumbling pillars intricately carved, its walls blanketed in moss and fungi. Though clearly long-abandoned, it was strikingly beautiful.
And it was crawling with drow.
Janessa cursed, ducking back behind the rocks.
“Damn. It’s absolutely swarming! What do Talavin’s house want with a deep gnome temple?”
Perry slumped against the rocks at her side, trying to fight off a shiver and failing. Once again, he found himself wishing he had followed Talavin’s advice and stayed in camp. Even that morning, when his symptoms had been confined to his nose and throat, he had felt an ominous sense that this cold was going to be a nasty one. Now, his fears had been confirmed. His joints and muscles ached fiercely, and despite knowing that his temperature was likely rising, he shook with constant chills. His temples throbbed mercilessly, and no matter how many times he sipped from his canteen, he couldn’t soothe the pain and dryness in his throat.
“Hh… Hhfff… HhYIE-SHMPHH!”
And, of course, his nose continued to torment him. He muffled the sneeze as best he could, and peered over the top of the rock once more to see if he had drawn any attention. So far, all seemed to be well. Ducking back down, he blew his nose, grimacing slightly at the sound of congestion being dislodged, and the heaviness of all that remained. Rubbing at the raw appendage to soothe the remaining tickles, he sighed.
“And what does Duke Rousseau have to do with it all? I saw more crates being moved inside. I wonder if they’re all from him? And what’s.. inside…”
Pressing the handkerchief over his mouth, he muffled an outburst of coughing. Janessa rubbed his back as he fought to catch his breath. When the coughing only grew in intensity, she took his canteen and pressed it into his hands.
“Here, come on, try to take a sip. Damn. You’re burning up. Tal’s right, you should have stayed in camp.”
Perry shook his head, catching his breath at last and raising the canteen to his lips with a shaking hand.
“If I’d stayed, we might never have learned about this. Who knows if they mean to stay? The question is, how do we get closer? There’s guards at the end of the bridge, and no other way across.”
Janessa ran a hand through her hair in frustration, nearly dislodging her goggles in the process. She began to tap one foot, clearly resisting the temptation to get up and pace.
“We could try capturing one of them when they come back? Shame Tal’s not here. She could work ‘em over, and get some information.”
Perry winced at the thought.
“I’m sure there’s a more civilized way of doing things! If we were to capture one of them, I have one of my spore blends that could help. It induces a dazed state when inhaled. It could make them more… more… su-huhhhHUSHMPHH!... Ugh. Suggestible.”
Janessa gave a snort of amusement, nudging Perry in the ribs as he tended to his nose again.
“Or you could just threaten to sneeze on them! That should be scary enough to loosen some tongues!”
Perry gave a weak huff of laughter in return, and had to hastily return his handkerchief to his nose as it began to leak in response.
“That’s a threat that would send anyone running! Truly, I wouldn’t wish this cold on my worst e-ehh… Ehh… HeeEEHSHYIEEEW!”
Perry froze, feeling Janessa tense up at his side. There had been no muffling that one, and it rang out, echoing through the caverns. Even worse, his nose was still unsatisfied. Perry scrubbed at it furiously, trying to slow his breathing, but the itch remained, burning through his nasal passages, demanding to be scratched.
For a few moments, there was silence, save for Perry’s sniffling and unsteady breathing.
Then…
“Phor gaer!”
“Tlu kyone!”
Janessa swore under her breath, peering out over the rock and readying her cannon. She ducked back down.
“Guards coming! Four of them! Ready for a fight?”
Perry shook his head, eyes watering, itching nose buried in his handkerchief.
“We need to run. Or hide. Get back to the path, now!”
He shoved Janessa towards the path, and she set off running. As he struggled to his feet to follow, however, the burning, crawling itch in his nose overpowered him once more.
“HSHIEW! SHYIEEW! HeeIEESHYIEEW!”
Staggering from the onslaught of sneezing, Perry felt blindly for the rocks for support. Another sneeze bent him at the waist, and he overbalanced, stumbling against the outcropping. Over the sound of his sneezing, he heard the clanging of boots on the iron bridge. Managing to open his streaming eyes as he fought the next sneeze, he saw Janessa turning back, realizing he wasn’t following.
Keep running! Don’t look back!
Janessa instead slid to a halt, raising her cannon onto her shoulder, eyes grim.
Before she could move, something shifted in the shadows behind her. A figure moving with predatory grace, stalking along the path.
Talavin.
Perry briefly met her eyes, and he pointed to Janessa, praying she understood.
Talavin nodded, and pounced. One arm swept the gnome off her feet, and a hand pressed over her mouth. And in a heartbeat, both drow and struggling gnome were gone, vanished back into the shadows.
With that, the sneezing overcame him again. Perry slumped against the rocks, nose buried in his handkerchief, hitching, panting, sneezing, completely blind and useless.
“HhhuhhhHUSHYIEW! HhGHSHIEW! SHYIEEW! Hehh… Hhnn… Hfff… HiieeESHIEW!”
By the time he finally caught his breath, coughing and snuffling weakly into his handkerchief, the sound of footsteps and metal armour surrounded him. Opening his eyes, Perry looked blearily up to find four drow guards surrounding him, and four crossbows leveled at his chest. Heart pounding, he raised his hands in surrender, one still clutching his sodden handkerchief.
“I mean you no harm. Please. I’m only hear to… to talk… IieeESHYIEEW!”
As he lurched forward with the force of the sneeze, something thumped into his arm, flooding the limb with red, stabbing pain. And then, an icy numbness. Crying out, Perry looked at his arm, finding a stain of red blooming around a large dart.
The icy sensation spread up his arm, and across his chest. His vision blurred, and he barely registered the sensation of dropping to his knees. He looked up at the grey-skinned, red eyed faces looking down at him, tried to speak, and instead slumped forward, vision turning dark.
Please… Talavin… Take Janessa and run…
*****
Heart pounding, breathing carefully controlled, Talavin knelt in the shadows of the path, listening as the sounds of violent sneezing stopped, and a body hit the ground. Her ears twitched as she picked up the sound of armour once more. Moving away, back towards the bridge. She let out a sigh of relief.
Janessa, still held against Talavin’s chest, fought furiously. Clawing, kicking, even trying to bite the hand over her mouth, she felt her eyes grow hot and wet, tears spilling over her cheeks. When Talavin released her at last, she spun around, her voice a low, angry hiss.
“We could have saved him!”
Talavin seized her arm as she tried to run after the drow who had taken her friend. Eyes narrowed, trembling with adrenaline, she hissed in return.
“One dart, one arrow, one scratch from their blades, and you would be on the ground, poisoned. Be grateful you weren’t captured too!”
“Grateful? They took my friend, and you made me just listen, and do nothing!”
“I saved your life!”
Janessa shouldered her cannon once more, turning away. Talavin seized her arm, pulling her back.
“You can’t just…”
“Yes I can! You can skulk in the shadows all you like, I’m going after my friend!”
Talavin gritted her teeth, forcing her voice to remain level.
“You can’t just go in shooting. We need a plan.”
Janessa hesitated, meeting Talavin’s eyes.
“We? You’re helping me?”
Talavin sighed, cold dread in her stomach, that frightened voice in her mind once more.
“Avin, please. I can’t do this alone!”
“So it would seem. If only so I can strangle your fool of a friend myself.”
A Desperate Cover-Up
So, this was meant to be for @lostatsneeze 's Sick at a Ball prompt game (linked here), but it ended up being nearly 4000 words and I never even got these poor fools to the ball! That might need to be Part Two...
Characters are my DnD OCs: Perry, a human of minor nobility, a self-styled Gentlman Druid with a fascination for all things fungal and a terrible immune system. And Serafina, a purple tiefling, the bastard (but beloved) daughter of an immensely wealthy lord, who happens to have the kink.
Perry has an utterly miserable cold, but Serafina is still determined for him to make a good impression. Featuring some inducing, some mess, some sneezing while hiding.
“Again? And now? Peregrine, I really do feel awful for you, but this is the third time in as many months, and your timing couldn’t be worse!”
“Believe me, I’m distressingly well-aware. But surely it’s not too.. t-hhiieehh… HIESshhHYIEEW! Snf… Too obvious?”
Serafina refused to dignify that with a reply.
She had come to meet Perry at the gate of her father’s townhouse, all excitement. For months, she had been urging her father to finance Perry’s Underdark expedition. Months of carefully explaining to him how the discovery of newer, safer trade routes and outposts could be invaluable to his business (and, of course, he would be aiding in the advancement of science via enabling Perry and his companion Janessa’s studies, but as she had repeatedly stressed to Perry, that was not an aspect likely to win her father’s interest). Months of sitting with Perry, watching with increasing endearment as he plotted routes and consulted notes of prior expeditions.
Her father had grown increasingly interested, and multiple meetings with Perry had convinced him of the young man’s intelligence and enthusiasm. Unfortunately, they had not convinced him of Perry’s resilience. Between his numerous allergies, asthma, and two truly brutal head colds, he had sneezed, snuffled, coughed, and wheezed his way through nearly every meeting. Each time, as soon as Perry left, Serafina’s father turned to her, shaking his head.
“I’m not doubting that his heart is in it, and he’s got the brains. But surely he’s too frail for such a dangerous journey?”
Tonight, at a small, formal dance, her father had agreed to give Perry one chance to make his case. And Perry had shown up with the most glaringly obvious head cold Serafina had ever seen.
“I… I’m sorry. We could say I was kept away by some emergency?”
“Which he’ll expect you to explain next time, and we both know you’re an utterly miserable liar. Oh, Peregrine…”
Perry’s shoulders slumped in defeat, and he dabbed at his red, raw nose with a handkerchief, wriggling it and sniffling wetly in irritation. His sinuses sounded full to the brim with congestion, and by the looks of that twitching nose, he was just desperate to sneeze it all out. His voice was hoarse, and he muffled constant ticklish coughs into his handkerchief. Pronouncing any word with an ‘n’ or ‘m’ sounded utterly pitiful. His skin, always pale, was chalky white, dark, bruise-like shadows lurked beneath his eyes, and a sheen of sweat glistened on his brow. He had no hope whatsoever of convincing anyone that he was well.
Well, not without help.
Serafina turned to her shy elf maid, Mayna, keeping her voice low.
“Mayna, go and check that there’s no one around the back door, and let me know when the coast is clear. I’m taking Peregrine to my bedroom to see if I can’t work a little of my magic on him. You’re to give me a warning should you see anyone coming. Understood?”
“Yes, Miss. Good luck, and feel better, Sir Peregrine.”
Perry’s reply was lost in a miserably wet sneeze. Mayna hurried around the side of the house. Serafina grabbed Perry while he was still in the process of blowing his nose, dragging him out of sight.
“We’re going to make this work.”
“I… IiieESHIEEW! Guhh… I’ll do my best, Miss DeVille.”
Mayna returned shortly, her eyes wide and nervous, gesturing for Serafina and Perry to follow. Dragging the snuffling, coughing Perry behind her, and hiding from a few servants on the way, Serafina finally reached her bedroom and shoved Perry inside. With one last look at Mayna, who nodded with timid determination, she shut the door and turned to look at her project.
“We have a lot of work to do. Starting with that voice.”
She pulled up a seat at her dressing table and gestured for Perry to sit, which he did with some relief. Poor thing, if he was running a fever, as she suspected he was, he must be awfully achy. Not to mention, he would usually be immensely flustered at finding himself somewhere so intimate as her bedroom. Instead, he just seemed exhausted. Serafina squeezed his shoulder encouragingly before going to her bedside table.
Sure enough, there was a packet of lozenges in the top drawer. An enthusiastic singer, proud of her voice, Serafina always tended to keep some on hand. Taking the packet and pouring a glass of water from the bedside carafe, she passed both to Perry.
“Drink that. All of it. And suck on one of those. Right now, you sound as if you’ve gargled broken glass. We’ve half an hour before you’re expected to arrive, so let’s make it count. How many handkerchiefs do you have with you?”
Perry, drinking the water and grimacing with every swallow, stopped and tried to catch his breath. He seemed to be having a hard time drinking with his nose so badly blocked.
“Four.”
“And how many are left in a usable condition?”
“Two.”
“That won’t be enough. I’ll fetch some of mine; don’t worry, I’ll make sure they’re unscented.”
Perry tried to respond, but the even with the lozenge and water, the tickle in his throat became too much. He doubled over, coughing until he was red in the face. Already Serafina could hear a damp rattle that suggested this cold would be going to his chest, and probably making its home there for a good long while.
“Deep breaths, Peregrine. Finish that water, then I want you to have another glass. How’s your head?”
“Aching t-terribly. HhhHIESHOO!”
“Probably even worse after that. Poor thing, they do seem to sneak up on you when you’ve got the sniffles, don’t they?”
Retreating into her ensuite, she opened the medicine cabinet, rifling through the contents. Headache powders. Cough syrup. Balm for chapped lips. She grabbed all three, soaked a flannel in water, and returned to find Perry blowing his nose. It sounded as if there was no end to what he needed to clear out.
“I think that’s that handkerchief spent. Sounds as if you’re still awfully stuffed. Say something for me, let’s see how you sound.”
Giving his nose one final wipe and wrinkling it with a damp snuffle, Perry sighed.
“I’m so terribly sorry. Even if I do manage to pass myself off as healthy, I’ll still no doubt get you sick, and probably poor Mayna as a result.”
“You may pay me back by naming a new discovery after me when you get to the Underdark. Not some foul slimy toadstool, either. Ideally something purple and magnificent. As for Mayna, I’ll see that she’s given all the time off she needs, and is thoroughly pampered. We need to clear you out a bit more, though, if we’re to convince Papa. You still sound miserably stuffy. Take a new handkerchief. Blow again.”
Obedient as ever, Perry took another handkerchief from his pocket and began another weary series of blows. As he did so, Serafina mixed one of the powders with water, and poured a dose of cough syrup.
“Both of these down, quick as you can. We still need to get to work on covering all that red.”
Perry grimaced as he looked at both medicines, but obediently downed the cough syrup, spent a few moments grimacing at the taste, and set to work sipping at the medicine-laced water.
“Speak for me again?”
“You deserve more than just a fungus named after you, Miss DeVille. But of any I discover, I promise, I’ll name the loveliest after you.”
“I’m not sure I trust your judgement on that. I’ve seen you go misty-eyed over something that looks like a cauliflower with a skin condition. I shall expect full illustrations and descriptions first. Unfortunately, I think we’ve got more work to do on those sinuses first.”
Perry turned to see her going to her writing desk, and taking up a delicate feather quill. His nose twitched at the mere sight.
“Please, no.”
“You know a good sneeze tends to clear you up when all that congestion is being stubborn, and even as sensitive as you are, I don’t believe you can do it on command. I know it’s unpleasant, but we’re running low on time, and all that blowing is just giving me a redder nose to fix.”
Perry let out a slight whimper, but sighed and nodded, allowing Serafina to draw close. She came to stand before him, cupping his cheek and tilting his head so that he was looking up at her. Unable to resist, she gently stroked his cheek with her thumb. It really was unhealthily hot.
“Poor thing. That’s quite the temperature. I know you must be feeling so unwell. You just need to do your best a little longer, and we’ll try to make your excuses early so you can go home and rest. Now, close your eyes.”
Perry did so, leaning slightly into Serafina’s hand, seemingly seeking out the relative coolness of her skin. How wonderful it would be, Serafina mused, to lead him to her bed, and join him there, letting him seek the touch of as much of her as he wanted.
Those thoughts would have to wait. With her free hand, she set the very tip of the quill to that poor, long-suffering nose. The reaction was immediate.
“HeEhHH! IehehHEH! Hm.. hff… Iehh-hihh… HEH!”
“That’s right. Sensitive, aren’t you? Relax. Let it happen.”
Perry couldn’t reply even if he wanted to. His lips parted, revealing a slightly curling tongue. His eyes squeezed shut, a tear of irritation rolling down his cheek. And that poor nose… Serafina kept gently brushing beneath those delicate nostrils, watching them flare in torment. Almost as if inviting her to go deeper, begging for release from the tickling.
Another time, she might have teased. Let the quill linger, just enough to tickle, not enough to bring him satisfaction. Let him hitch and gasp and squirm, let him plead for release. Another time she would enjoy drawing things out, letting that nose grow redder and redder, letting it sniffle and twitch and leak, before finally enveloping it in a handkerchief and letting the poor man sneeze until he was satisfied.
Tonight was not the night for teasing. With a deft twist, she inserted the point of the quill deeper into a flaring nostril, drawing forth a gasp of irritation, a great, flustered snort, and…
“HhhHGYIESHIEW!”
Perry barely got his handkerchief up in time, sneezing wetly into its folds. Serafina rested a hand on his shoulder, gently stroking with her thumb.
“Well done. You’re not finished, are you?”
“GHHIYIESHOO! SHIEEWW! Guh… Pardon me… SNRFff!”
“Don’t sniffle it back. We want it all out, remember? Nice gentle blow, that’s it. Good, I can hear things loosening up. Now, there’s a few more sneezes in there, I think.”
Perry nodded, finding a clean spot in his handkerchief to nuzzle into, his nose plainly tormenting him. Her hand still on his shoulder, Serafina felt him breathe in great unsteady gasps, plainly trying to bring on another sneeze. Taking his hands, gentle but firm, she pushed them down, removing the handkerchief barrier hiding his face.
“There. Don’t fuss at it, just let that poor sore nose do what it must.”
Perry nodded, eyes closed, crinkling his nose, lips parted, plainly battling a truly torturous tickle. Even after emptying a good quantity of in into his handkerchief, moisture still pooled beneath his raw nostrils, clearly irritating them further. He sniffled desperately against the irritation, and tried to raise his handkerchief again.
“Hhyiehh… Hehhh… SNF! Hfff… Ghhihhhehhh… Hyehhh…”
Serafina pushed his hands back down once more, and raised the quill to his nose.
“It’s teasing you, isn’t it? Not to worry, we’ll soon have it out.”
This time he let out a strangled whimper as the feather touched his sore nose. Serafina could feel his breath, hot and urgent against her hand, and once again cupped his cheek, tilting his head up to face her. She flicked the quill back into place, seeking the sensitive spot in those inflamed nostrils, while Perry snorted in irritation again, another tear spilling over his cheek as he began another round of desperate hitching.
“Ghhyieehh… Hhihhh… HYiehhh… HEHhhh… SNRF!”
The feather was becoming too damp to do its job. Serafina twitched it more insistently, scratching against the raw, sensitive walls of Perry’s nose, while he plainly struggled not to pull away. When she withdrew it and set to work on the other nostril, a string of mess came with it.
“HhH-Hhh… Hhyieehhh… I… I can’t… Hghhyyiehhhh…”
“You can, and you will. A little deeper…”
Another deft flick of the quill, and Serafina seemed to have found the spot at last. Perry’s face contorted in ticklish agony, and though he pulled away and raised his handkerchief as quickly as he could, Serafina still felt the mist of the resultant sneeze on her wrist. A slight shiver ran through her, and warmth stirred in her belly.
“HhHGYIESHHEWW!”
It was the wettest yet, and Perry seemed spent. Breathing heavily, avoiding Serafina’s eyes, he once again began soaking his handkerchief with the newly loosened congestion. When he could at last speak again, his handkerchief was rendered useless, but his voice was noticeably less congested.
“I’m so very sorry. You must find this utterly repulsive.”
You poor man, if only you knew.
Serafina fondly brushed a strand of hair behind his ear. The relentless sneezing had caused a few to come loose from his ponytail, framing his face rather nicely.
“You aren’t repulsive in the slightest. You’re just miserably ill. Sounds as if you’re a little cleared up, though. Let’s get to work repairing the damage.”
Taking the damp flannel, she carefully wiped Perry’s face, being careful of his raw nose and chapped lips. Perry leaned into the cool cloth, and Serafina held it in place for a moment, allowing him a moment’s relief after his efforts.
“Poor Peregrine. No dancing for you tonight, I think. Your partner would feel you burning up immediately.”
Opening her cosmetic drawer, Serafina began to go through the contents. Perry looked on with weary eyes, taking the flannel himself and holding it to his overheated brow.
“I don’t know much about cosmetics, but surely yours are some shade of purple, to match you? I don’t know that it’s going to help me.”
“Most of them are. But I ‘borrowed’ this one from Delia one day when she was being especially unpleasant. She hides from the sun at all costs for fear of developing freckles, so she’s almost as pale as you.”
Removing the ‘borrowed’ powder, and a jar of moisturizing lotion, Serafina opened both, and swatted Perry’s hand away when he reached for them.
“Oh no you don’t. You said yourself, you know nothing about cosmetics. You’ll leave this to me, thank you.”
“You’re having entirely too much contact with this wretched nose of mine. I’m sure you’re going to catch this.”
“Then you shall have to find a way to make it up to me. I’m sure between us we can think of something. Now, hold still, please.”
Perry flinched as Serafina dabbed a little lotion on his nose, beginning to gently rub it in. It felt even warmer than the rest of him, and twitched charmingly. Once again Serafina had to remind herself that now was not the time to tease.
“It feels odd. Is it having an effect?”
“Not on the colour, I’m afraid, but it might soothe you a little, and it will make it easier for the powder to stick.”
At the mere mention of powder, Perry gave a nervous sniffle. He watched and swallowed hard as Serafina picked up the powderpuff, disturbing a fine cloud of the cosmetic.
“I know. You need to try not to breathe in while I apply this. Close your eyes, and try not to think about it.”
Perry did as he was told, holding his breath and refusing to look. Even so, his nose scrunched and wriggled as Serafina applied powder in deft, careful dabs. It was going to require more powder than she had imagined.
“Alright. Take a breath now, then we’ll try some more.”
Perry let out the breath he had been holding, together with a few ticklish coughs that made him wince and press a hand to his chest. His nose twitched again. And again, more desperately. His eyes began to develop that familiar, distant look.
Serafina pressed a finger beneath his nose, giving him a stern look.
“No. If you sneeze, your handkerchief is going to undo my work.”
Perry sniffled. Serafina gave his nostrils a firm rub, feeling them twitch and flare. A tentative hitch. Another.
“Peregrine. No.”
At last, Perry’s breathing settled, and he opened his eyes. It was hard to tell if the flush on his cheeks was from fever or embarrassment.
“I think it’s under control.”
“Good. You need some more powder. Hold your breath again.”
The second application seemed even more irritating than the first. Perry’s tormented nose scrunched and wriggled, and his chest shuddered with the urge to take in a great hitching breath. Serafina finished the second coat, and once again pressed a finger beneath his nose.
“You’re doing well. Deep breaths. Try not to think about it.”
“I-ihh… it won’t le-hehhh-t me think of much… much else…”
Before Serafina could reply, Mayna’s timid voice sounded from outside the room.
“Good evening, Lord DeVille! Miss DeVille is just getting ready!”
Perry froze in horror. No matter how innocent the circumstances, being caught in the bedroom of Lord DeVille’s beloved daughter would be a disaster, even if he was in perfect health. Seizing him by the arm, with no time to hide him anywhere safer, Serafina dragged him to his feet and shoved him behind her bed, hissing in his ear.
“Not a word from you, and for the gods’ sake, not a sneeze!”
Serafina seated herself at her dressing table just as her father knocked on the door.
“Are you decent, my dear?”
“Just putting on some finishing touches, Papa. I’ll join you shortly.”
The door opened, and Serafina forced herself not to glance nervously at Perry. She didn’t need to see him to know that he was struggling. Her father, elegantly dressed in his evening attire, entered, greeting her with a fond smile.
“I don’t know why you fuss about with all that makeup. You look perfectly lovely to me.”
“A lady is always on display. One must attend to the details. Did you need something, Papa?”
Maddeningly, Lord DeVille seemed in a mood to linger.
“Your young man hasn’t arrived yet. Odd, given he’s usually early. I hope he’s well this time.”
While her father looked over her array of cosmetics with fond amusement, Serafina chanced a glance at Perry. Her heart sank. He was huddled as far out of view as he could, but from what she could see of the part of his face not buried in his handkerchief, he was on the verge of giving himself away. His shoulders shuddered with desperate hitches, his eyes squeezed shut.
“I’m sure he’s perfectly well. He’s been most enthusiastic about this evening.”
Lord DeVille gave a huff of amusement.
“I’m not sure what he’s more interested in. My finances, or my daughter.”
“Peregrine’s always perfectly respectful on both subjects.”
Lord DeVille frowned, nodding to the open powder sachet and bottle of cough syrup on the dressing table.
“You’re not unwell yourself, are you?”
He reached out and felt her forehead. Ordinarily Serafina would have been touched by his concern. Right now, she struggled not to squirm in frustration.
Hold on, Peregrine. No matter how it tickles!
From behind the bed, she heard the desperate “hmp!” of a painfully stifled sneeze, and she coughed slightly to cover the noise.
“A slight sore throat, Papa, nothing more. Given I’ll likely be asked to sing tonight, I thought I ought to take some precautions.”
That, at least, would take the blame off Perry when she inevitably caught his cold.
Lord DeVille looked unconvinced, but he patted her shoulder, squeezing gently.
“I’ll not have you pressured into singing if you’re not up to it. And early to bed for you tonight! No lingering to discuss toadstools with that poor besotted fungal fellow!”
“As you wish. Was there anything else?”
While her father looked elsewhere, she chanced another glance at Perry, and her heart began to race. He stifled another sneeze into his handkerchief, managing to keep it perfectly silent, but that would not be the case for long. Even pinching his nose harshly and forcing his mouth closed, he was on the verge of coming undone.
Lord DeVille picked up the jar of powder, giving a hum of amusement.
“This wouldn’t be the powder Delia was throwing a tantrum about, would it, my darling?”
Another muffled “hnk!” from behind the bed. Serafina suspected she had moments to act.
“Is it? Oh dear, I must have picked it up by mistake! Here, I’ll see that it’s returned to her!”
She reached for the powder, and in doing so, allowed her sleeve to catch the glass of water she had poured for Perry, deliberately knocking it into her lap. She leapt up with a cry of alarm, her voice covering up a muffled “HM-ph!”.
“Oh! My dress!”
“There now, my dear, it’s just a little water, I’m sure there’s no damage done!”
“Perhaps not, but I can’t wear this now! Better let me change, Papa, if you want me downstairs by the time guests arrive!”
Lord DeVille nodded, turning back to the door.
“I’ll leave you to it. Not to worry if you’re a little late, I’ll make your excuses for you.”
The moment the door closed, Serafina dived behind the bed, dropping to her knees. Perry did not even seem to notice her. He was lost to the build-up of a sneeze that had no hope of being silenced. Serafina hurriedly seized a pillow from the bed and pressed it over his face, praying that between the muffling effect and the closed door, her father would not hear.
Perry lurched forward, delivering a flurry of violent sneezes into the pillow.
“HHIEMMMPHHH! MMPHH! HHhuHMMPH!”
Serafina rested a hand on his back, rubbing soothingly as he sneezed again and again, the explosions gradually growing weaker until he was left panting, raising his head from the pillow at last. His eyes streamed, as did his nose, and all traces of powder were thoroughly removed. The cool silk of her pillow had been left damp and darkened from the results of his sneezes.
“Miss DeVille, I’m so very…”
“No apologies, please. Bless you.”
The stifling had undone her efforts in making him sound less ill. He sounded just as congested as he had when he arrived, and looked utterly defeated, as well as humiliated, as he took out his handkerchief and gave his nose an exhausted blow.
“Truly, though, I am sorry. I really think I ought to go home.”
Serafina helped him to his feet, and guided him determinedly back to the dressing table, where she picked up her quill once more.
“We’ve come this far, and I’m not one for admitting defeat. Let’s try this again, shall we?”
Beautiful art commissioned from @just-a-nervous-bean !!!
Dear Serafina, struggling with a cold and a tight corset, idea from my fic Satisfaction Denied
Poor Serafina, that corset doesn't stand a chance...
Thank you Bean, you're amazing!!!!
Exploration
So, uh, this is the horniest thing I've ever written. Actually, think it's the only sex scene I've ever written. NSFW!
The Underdark expedition have found some hot springs, a perfect place to relax after a day of exploration. Serafina waits for Perry there and, convincing him of her affections at last, receives some rather intimate attention from him...
Of all the discoveries the party had made so far, the hot springs were the one Serafina had come to appreciate most. The great vistas Perry had shown her, lit with an ethereal glow of bio-luminescence, alive with a haze of spores and various creatures she could never have imagined, were of course magnificent. The ruins of ancient temples and towers and fortresses were breathtaking and inspired her imagination. The myconid colony, populated with mushroom people, some of them as tall as trees, had filled her with wonder. But at the end of a long day of exploring, being able to sink into hot water and let it soothe away the day’s aches and irritations was nothing short of heavenly.
Serafina lounged on the soft moss at the edge of one of the larger pools, her feet dangling in the water. She wore only her trousers, rolled up to the knee, and a loose blouse, unbuttoned far more than was proper. The rest of her clothes and belongings were discarded in a pile beneath one of the enormous glowing mushrooms that shaded the area. Serafina would eventually shed her remaining clothes and add them to the pile, but for now, she simply waited, tail flicking lazily, anticipating company.
The imminent arrival of her expected company was announced before long, and her tail began to flick faster as she heard his approach.
“HhHIIEssshhHYIEWW!”
Serafina smiled, laying back more and looking up at the mingled steam and spores swirling through the air, lit by the soft blue glow of the surrounding mushrooms. Those spores would be tormenting Perry by now, invading his over-sensitive nose, setting it twitching, scrunching, sniffling…
“HhhSHIEW! H-shhIIIEW! HhhiieeeSHYIEW!”
Poor man, he always sounded so weary by this time of night. After a day of sneezing, trying desperately to rid himself of the irritants he continuously breathed in, his sneezes always took on an exhausted quality. Still as desperate as ever, but they sounded as if they were being wrenched from him, somehow. No doubt he was coming here in the hopes that the steam might soothe him. Serafina could see his face in her mind’s eye. Lips parted, damp-lashed eyes beginning to close, red nostrils flaring wider, and wider, until…
“AhhhSHYIEW!”
With that last outburst, Perry emerged from the path leading to the spring. He failed to notice Serafina at first, too busy wearily blowing his nose. He sighed and dabbed at his streaming eyes with his handkerchief, before tucking it back into his pocket. Giving an irritated sniffle and scrunching his nose, he looked up and saw Serafina at last, and stepped back with a soft a cry of alarm.
“Miss DeVille!”
“Bless you. Joining me for a soak?”
Already somewhat flushed from his sneezing fit, Perry turned even pinker, his eyes widening as he took in Serafina lounging casually on the soft moss, her hair down, her blouse half open. She tilted her head, flicking her tail as if in invitation.
“I… Apologies, I didn’t realize you were already… Erm… I’ll go, please enjoy your bath…”
Struggling to keep his eyes averted, Perry hastily turned to leave, bumping his head on the cap of a giant mushroom in his hurry to flee. The movement shook loose a puff of spores, and Perry, already flustered, struggled to get his handkerchief out in time.
“HSHYIEWW! SHIEWW! HASHYIEWW!”
Tail flicking faster, Serafina got to her feet and padded forward. Perry, utterly helpless and near bent double with sneezing, could do nothing as she rested a hand on his back.
“Poor thing, that nose of yours is wearing you out. Come and sit, and breathe the steam. I’m sure that will help.”
“Plea-eeESHIEW! SHIEW!... No need… HhhSHYIEW!”
“There’s every need. Listen to you, you can barely speak. Come, sit.”
With an arm around Perry’s shoulders, Serafina guided him to the side of the pool, helping him clumsily sit down. She rubbed his back as he sneezed again and again, growing increasingly breathless, until at long last the fit trailed off with a weak, exhausted “Hhhshew!”.
“Bless you again. That’s it, blow your nose. Now, deep breaths. Try to take in some of the steam.”
Perry did as he was told, blowing his nose delicately, as if afraid of setting it off once more. Putting away his handkerchief at last, he took in a cautious, snuffly breath, and gave a sigh of relief when it didn’t immediately escape as another sneeze.
“Apologies, Miss DeVille. The spores, I couldn’t help but breathe them in, and…”
“Peregrine, how many times? No apologies! And how many times must I say, it’s just Serafina? You can at least call me that here, can’t you? As far from polite society as we can possibly be?”
She kept her hand on his back, rubbing in slow, soothing strokes, and felt the tight muscles loosen a little. Perry, cheeks still flushed, avoided her eyes. He seemed to be trying to avoid looking at her entirely, though with her so close, she had noted his eyes briefly darting to her barely-covered chest. Adorable, the shade of pink he turned at the sight.
“I… I should leave you to your bathing.”
“Perhaps you should, but do you want to?”
Perry fell silent, but for the occasional sniffle, seemingly lost for words. His hair had come loose from its ribbon as he sneezed, and Serafina reached out, delicately tucking a strand back behind his ear. At the touch, he turned to face her at last. He met her eyes, as if looking for some sign that this was a trick, or just her usual playful teasing.
“Were you waiting for me?”
“I was. Ever since we found this place, you’ve been coming here around this time, to wash away the spores. I though tonight I might help you.”
“With… With bathing?”
“With bathing. Relaxing. Look at you. You’re awfully tense. Practically trembling, poor thing.”
She brushed a little more hair from his face, and this time, let her hand linger. Sure enough, Perry’s hand trembled a little as he raised it, laying it over hers. His eyes remained on hers, wide and nervous. And, as her fingers gently brushed his cheek, dilating noticeably as his breath caught.
“I shouldn’t… This is… Are you sure you..?”
Serafina smiled fondly, cupping his cheek with her hand, feeling her heart warm as he leaned into her touch, seemingly out of sheer instinct.
“Peregrine, when you left for the Underdark for that first expedition, I wept, wishing I’d kissed you goodbye, propriety be damned. I’ve sat with you as you studied. I’ve danced with you. I’ve played you music. I’ve nursed you when you were ill. And as close to you as I get, I always find myself wanting to be closer. So yes, Peregrine. I am sure.”
Perry remained silent, letting her words sink in, his hand still over hers. Seeming to find no trace of teasing, he allowed his eyes to wander a little at last. His gaze fell to take in her body, so much more of it on display than usual. He swallowed hard, meeting her eyes once more.
“I… I’m a little lost for words.”
“Well, shall I provide you with a script? If I’ve read you wrong, then simply say ‘Miss DeVille, I’m flattered, but I would like to bathe alone.’ Or, if you’d like things to go a little further, ask ‘May I kiss you, Serafina?’, and I’ll give you your answer.”
Perry swallowed again, closing his eyes and taking a breath.
“May I kiss you, Serafina?”
Her smile widening, Serafina leaned in, pressing a kiss to his lips.
“You may. Amongst other things.”
Perry opened his eyes, blinked, and broke into a smile, letting out a breathy, rather giggly laugh.
“I never thought I’d have the chance…”
He leaned in and kissed her, one hand stroking back her hair. Serafina let out a hum of pleasure, pulling him forward into her embrace. Stroking one hand up his chest, she found the knot of his cravat and began to tug it loose. Perry’s hand moved from her hair and slid down her back, coming to rest on her waist. He broke off the kiss, breathing heavily, and after giving Serafina a tentative look, kissed her neck.
“Is this…”
“Yes. Please.”
Serafina pulled his cravat loose and cast it aside, setting to work on unbuttoning his waistcoat. Her breathing quickened as Perry kissed her neck again. And again, lower. His own breath began to quicken, growing unsteady as he reached her collarbone. He might have explored lower, except…
“HISHIEW!”
Serafina couldn’t hold back a moan as the mist settled on her neck and shoulder. Warmth pooling in her belly, she squirmed imperceptibly as Perry pulled back, fumbling for his handkerchief, sneezes and apologies muffled into its folds.
“Damned allergies… HiieeSHYIEW! HasHIEW! I’m so sorry, I… SHHIEW! Snf!... That was awful, I can’t apologize en-ehhhESHEW!... enough…”
Serafina seized his wrist and, making him lower the handkerchief, kissed him, softly at first, then with increasing urgency. She felt his nose, warm from a day of allergic torment, twitch against her cheek. When Perry, his nose now too stuffed for easy breathing, paused to catch his breath, Serafina resumed her work on his buttons.
“Are you sure you… HSHYIEEW!... I’m so terribly sorry, that’s likely to keep happening. Perhaps we ought to wait until…”
Serafina pulled him into another kiss, smiling at his somewhat bewildered expression.
“Peregrine, if we wait for a time when you don’t have to sneeze, I’m afraid we’ll be going to our graves unsatisfied. If I were revolted by it, we wouldn’t be here. Now, would you kindly resume your attentions?”
With his nose momentarily appeased, Perry needed no further encouragement. Settling his hand on her waist once more, he pulled her close, pressing kisses to her mouth, her jaw, her throat… Serafina took his hand and guided it under her blouse, sighing with pleasure as it reached her breast.
“Is this alright? Apologies, I’m familiar with all of this in theory, but…”
“Peregrine, if you apologize one more time I’m going to bite you.”
“Really?”
Peregrine flushed a deep red at the earnestness in his voice, seemingly as surprised as she was at what had come out of his mouth. Serafina let out a rather unladylike snort of laughter, and resumed unbuttoning his waistcoat.
“Well, we have things to explore, it seems! Speaking of exploration, do feel free to let your hands wander.”
“It’s just… When you talk, I can see the points of your fangs, and I’ve wondered on occasion…”
“Have you, indeed?”
Serafina eased his waistcoat over his shoulders, then pulled him back in, kissing him again. He slipped his hand beneath her blouse once more, feeling her breast move with her increasingly rapid breathing, before lowering it, finding the waistband of her trousers. He broke off kissing her to give her a questioning look, and she nodded, before tugging the ribbon from his hair and running her fingers through the silken strands.
Easing her trousers over her hips and setting them aside, Perry blushed at what he saw beneath. Looking to Serafina for confirmation once more, he set his fingers to work, parting her folds. After all his sneezing, she was slick enough for there to be no resistance at all. Serafina let out a gasp as he found what he was looking for.
“AH! You’ve clearly studied your theory well. Some men need a map down there!”
Perry lit up at the praise. Charmed, Serafina pulled him in for another kiss, moaning against his mouth as his delicate fingers stroked and circled. What he lacked in experience, Perry made up for in attention to detail, seemingly noting what drew noises from her lips and altering his technique accordingly. Serafina all but whined when he slowed his ministrations and, face flushed, avoided her eyes for a moment.
“I wonder… I’ve read… I wonder if I might try…”
“Try whatever you like. You clearly have an instinct for it. Just don’t stop.”
To her immense frustration, Perry did stop, looking around for something. Spotting it and smiling, he rose, positioning himself to get up, and wrapped one arm around Serafina’s shoulders, the other beneath her knees, clearly meaning to lift her.
“May I?”
Serafina nodded, and let out a giggle as he scooped her up, holding her against his chest. As he carried her to a nearby moss-covered rock, she pressed a kiss to his exposed throat, and gave him a teasing nip. The noise he made was utterly delightful.
Perry set her down on the rock, and knelt before her, looking equally excited and nervous. Looking to her once again for permission and receiving a nod, he parted her legs and leaned forward, his mouth picking up where his fingers had left off. Serafina gasped, arching her back, and placed a hand on his head, stroking his hair as he attended to her.
“Is this..?”
“Peregrine, I don’t know what you’ve been studying, but… AH! … Top marks…”
Serafina squirmed, her fingers stroking through Perry’s hair, her breathing quickening, unsure if she wanted him to draw matters out, or go in for the kill. Perry’s hand stroked her thigh as his tongue circled her most sensitive region, and she moaned, whimpered, squirmed, and…
“HHYIESHIEW!”
“AHH!”
Her fingers gripped his hair tight as the cry was drawn from her throat, and Perry pulled back in horror, eyes wide.
“I didn’t feel it coming, I’m so very…”
Serafina leaned forward and crushed her lips against his, tasting herself on them.
“Don’t you dare apologize!”
“I… should I keep going?”
“I may do something drastic if you don’t!”
Blushing furiously, nose still twitching, Perry bowed forward once more, pausing as he attempted to find his rhythm again to rub his nose against her inner thigh. Serafina let out a desperate mewling, her skin now shining with sweat. Her breathing grew quicker and quicker, warmth and tension growing and growing, until, with one last sweep of Perry’s tongue, she arched her back once more, barely recognizing her own voice as she cried out.
Breathing heavily, she watched as Perry rose, taking his handkerchief from his pocket to attend to his nose and tidy himself up.
“Was that… HhssHHIEW! Snf! Guh, I beg your pardon. Was that..?”
Loose limbed, smiling lazily, Serafina took hold of the front of his shirt and pulled him into a kiss, slow and languorous. She leaned her forehead against his, feeling his nose twitch as it touched hers.
“Every time I think you can’t surprise me more…”
“Erm… Would you like that bath now?”
Serafina kissed him again, first on the lips, then, pressing a quick kiss to the tip of his nose. Her smile widened as it twitched again, and she pulled Perry into an embrace, feeling his chest expand until he unleashed an irritated “HYESHIEW!” over her shoulder.
“Bless you. And the bath can wait a little longer. I believe there’s still you to attend to.”
