November 29 I've been giving up for far too long, I've lost track of how many nights it has been since I woke up happy. I can't remember. I'm hanging on to every word everyone has ever said to me, hoping that this time, something will go right. I want to hope. I want to believe that for once, things will work out in my favor. But it is so hard to keep holding on. I've been trying and trying and doing the same things over and over again. Everything has lost all meaning. "Hey, I miss you" becomes an automatic response. "Sorry, I'm busy, I have homework" becomes an automatic excuse. "Oh, that's okay" is easier and easier to say even though my heart is pounding in my chest and no it is not okay. No I am not okay. But it is okay that I am not okay because I am used to it. Watching the sunset over and over again just becomes 6PM. I wake up and wake up and wake up and I forget why I am still breathing. I try to remind myself over and over again, that it is only a bad day. Only a bad week. Only a bad month. Not a bad life. But it isn't working. Everything is crashing down onto me all at once and I feel so trapped between the waves that throw and toss me around and water that forces itself into my mouth and lungs and I cannot breathe. I've been losing my will to write, to go to classes, to try. I'm tired. Tired of feeling too much. Tired of not feeling. Tired of caring. Tired of being sad. Tired of trying too hard. Tired of pushing people away. Tired of being alone. Tired of collapsing. Recently, I was reminded of all the good in the world. Late night walks on empty roads. A wonderful Thanksgiving meal. Inside jokes that made me laugh until my stomach hurt. Late night conversations and movies that became early morning Target runs. FaceTime calls. Keys. Egg runs at the convenience store. Texts checking in on how I'm doing. I am so thankful for all the amazing friends I have. For all who have held me while I cried, for everyone who listened to me and believed in me. For all my friends who have shared their kindness - thank you. I don't deserve this. It's nearly Christmas - my favorite time of the year. But this Christmas is different. Winter used to be a time where I longed to escape the cold that always seemed to seep inside my room and under the door. But this Christmas, I don't want to leave. I don't want to escape. Not anymore. There will be no more backing down, no more giving up - no more losing parts of myself to unforgiving weather - no more giving up the pieces I have left of myself to people who do not deserve it. Thank you to everyone who has taught me to love and to be loved. Of all the 18 years of my life, I've never felt more lost, but I've also never felt more like I belonged. To my friends: thank you for pushing me to continue and for always believing. My story isn't over. This is just the beginning.
