Only a masochist could ever love such a narcissist...
In Greek mythology, Narcissus (/nɑrˈsɪsəs/; Greek: Νάρκισσος, Narkissos) was a hunter from the territory of Thespiae in Boeotia who was renowned for his beauty. He was the son of a river god named Cephissus and a nymph named Liriope.[1] He was exceptionally proud, in that he disdained those who loved him. Nemesis noticed this behavior and attracted Narcissus to a pool, where he saw his own reflection in the water and fell in love with it, not realizing it was merely an image. Unable to leave the beauty of his reflection, Narcissus died. Narcissus is the origin of the term narcissism, a fixation with oneself. (Wikipedia)
Only a masochist could ever love such a narcissist...
To say I have a definite "type" would be an extreme understatement.
I clearly like the asshole. It's their charisma. Their confidence, which often borders on cockiness. I don't want a man who fades into the background when he walks into a room. Like most women, I want a man who commands attention, one I would be proud to have lead me and to claim me as his woman.
Most narcissists at first glance are exceptional people. They do not blend in crowds, they stand out. They dress well, they are smart and cunning and it is for all these very reasons they are so attractive to those around them. They know they are attractive and they know how to use their physical attractiveness as assets to their advantage. They are proud of their charisma and charms, their prowess, their confidence. They are the kind of people most of us want to either be or be with.
The problem with narcissists is that they are incapable of loving anyone else the way they love themselves...
They are empty people who stare into others like mirrors waiting to see their own reflection and that is what they really fall in love with.
Throughout all of my dealings with Teacher, the one clear and solid takeaway I've had is that he only loves himself. No matter what I did for him, or didn't do, no matter how many times we may have professed to love each other. He was only stimulated by my adoration of him.
When Teacher reached out to me a few months ago, just he had done countless times in the past, he needed me to love him. He said everything, promised me the moon and stars, swore that he had saw all the errors of his ways and then pledged that this time would be different. But the fact of the matter is he wanted me back on the hook because he revels in the adoration women (like me) feel for him. Whether it's genuine or imagined.
We are mirrors that he stares into, pretending to look deeply into us when if fact he is only enjoying the reflection of our love and adoration for him which rivals his own. The minute I stopped adoring him, the minute I asked him to seriously attempt to look into me intimately (as I had done to him) and take the focus off of himself. I became a clouded, foggy mirror he had no use for. The minute I pointed out that his words and actions didn't demonstrate any sincerity I became a broken mirror and again who has any use for that?
Instead he moved along to new mirrors, to find new women or old ones that he could cajole into adoring him again.
The truth is Teacher probably reached out to me on Instagram that day because the lady in his life at the time (his co-worker) had foolishly confronted him about things she found in his phone (flirty texts from other women, pictures, etc.) instead of him showing remorse he merely went in search of a new mirror. Just as he had done with me two years ago when my then friend came and told me that he was attempting to get with one of her homegirls.
Never mind what he had just told me about our relationship the night before, my adoration for him had waned. When I approached him about my friend's friend, I had shattered the mirror and instead of acknowledging MY feelings (as one would do in an actual relationship) he dodged them and replaced me.
This is a pattern I'm guessing he's demonstrated his entire life. To put it quite simply, women are expendable to him, no matter how pretty we are, no matter what we DO for him, no matter how much we love him- he is all about himself.
Can I tell you honestly? I learned this two years ago, when he constantly demonstrated to me THEN that he didn't have the capacity to put any focus on me. When I was always seeing him at HIS convenience and when I was giving more than I was getting. It was a lonely place.
Once he reeled me in again with all those great promises of change, I realized the imbalance was still there. Nothing had changed at all, except me.
I tried to change my approach towards him; I changed my perspective, figuring maybe I could love him differently than I had first hoped. Maybe I could love a narcissist by just appreciating that he REALLY loved himself a lot and me a little. I thought I could write off his selfishness as his eccentricity. I mean after all to truly love someone you must truly accept them, right?
What I got instead was depletion. I was giving and giving but I was getting excuses in return. I was getting more requests on what else I could give, but I wasn't getting any of my needs met, other than the sexual ones.
For my own self-esteem, I wanted to conquer the one who got away. I wanted to be able to come back and say that I had figured it out and to revel in the fact that I had gotten the one I really wanted in the first place. I was getting a sense of worth from finally feeling like I could make this work.
I had a narcissistic parent (my father) who had abandoned me years ago. Leaving me to grapple with self-esteem issues and self-acceptance and to figure out how to maneuver in this world with the painful scars of never really feeling like I was good enough. That imbalance was and is very painful considering that I KNOW that there are men out there who can and will reciprocate and who would happily accept me and most importantly be satisfied with me alone. I just have to cast my nets wider and keep trying.
I will always love Teacher (for various reasons; some genuine, some imagined) but I will just go back to loving him from afar. I won't speak ill of him or vilify him in any way but I will always tell my story about my experiences with him and what he taught me.
I will always appreciate the lesson because I understand that the lesson is always the blessing.
