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The "Better it should have stayed lost" Episode

To the best of my recollection, back in the fall of 1993, I was sitting in a cafe, working. Technically I worked there, but for the most part the place was dead, so after everything was set up for the eventuality of springing into action for a single customer, I'd do a lot of sitting. One night, a couple sat somewhat near me and I overheard the lady said something. I don't recall what it was, but it sparked an idea. The following is the first draft of a Seinfeld (kids, ask your parents) episode. I wrote it that night. While I worked. One sitting. Beginning to end. It's not great. Would definitely need some work if it were to be filmed, naturally. But when I found it on an old disk recently, I read it through and chuckled a few times. 20 years later and something I wrote made me laugh. Without further ado... Scene I: Jerry's Apartment. Jerry hears the door buzzer and answers it. It is George and he buzzes him up. A few moments later George walks in. Jerry Hey, George. George Hey, Jerry. Are you ready to go? Jerry Sure, but first… Do you remember a woman named Rebecca? George Yeah… We dated for a while about a year ago. Why? Jerry Well she called me this morning trying to get a hold of you. I guess she has your old number, and since you live with your parents now, she tried to get a hold you through me. George Why would she want to get a hold of me? Jerry She didn't say. She just said she wanted to talk with you as soon as possible and she left a number. George This is very strange. I wonder what she wants… Jerry Well, why don't you call her? Jerry hands George the number. George goes to the phone and calls. George Hello, Rebecca? This is George. Cut to Rebecca's apartment. She is sitting on the couch. In the background a door is heard slamming shut. Rebecca Oh, hello George. George So, you called? A bouquet of roses land in Rebecca's lap. A man clasps his arms around her and nuzzles her neck. She has a difficult time speaking. Rebecca (Covering the mouthpiece) Not now, I'm on the phone! George Hello? Rebecca Uh… yeah. Uh… you won't believe what has happened. George What? The man who is distracting Rebecca gets up and walks over to the wall. Rebecca I've got something… The man unplugs the phone cord from the wall. He walks over to Rebecca. Rebecca Michael, you jerk. I was on the phone. Michael picks her up and carries her toward the bedroom. Michael You were on the phone. You're not now. He kisses her and as they pass the table where the phone sits, she tosses a pair of socks next to the phone. Cut to Jerry's apartment. George tries to call back, but no luck. He stand there for a few moments thinking to himself. George I don't believe it. Jerry What? George You won't believe it. Jerry What, what? George Guess what just happened to me. Jerry What, what , what? Tell me! George Okay, okay. I just called Rebecca. It was a very short call Jerry And? George looks very concerned. George The first thing she says is, “You won't believe what's happened.” These are the first words out of her mouth. Jerry What else did she say? George Well there's this long pause and some strange sound, and then she says, "I've got something." Jerry She's got something… (Short pause.) Perhaps something you left behind? George After almost a year? Nah. But I started to think what has she got that's so important to call me after a year completely out of nowhere to tell me she's got something. And then it hits me… Jerry Uh-oh. George Exactly. My skin is itching. Jerry So what did she say? George Nothing. She says, "I've got something." I wait, thinking she's going to follow that up with a word that has twenty-six letters, and then the line goes dead. Jerry She just hung up? George I don't know! It didn't sound like it, the phone just went dead. Jerry Did you call her back? George I tried, but there was no answer. Jerry George! She's got something! George I know! (Long pause.) Jerry So, she's got something… George Yeah, she's got something… Jerry So what are you going to do? George I don't know… Should I go get checked? Jerry I would. You don't know what she's got, and since it's been established that she's got something, you have to go find out if she gave you what she's got. George But it's been a year. What could she have that wouldn't have shown up already? Jerry gives George the “Knowing" look. George Oh, god. (Short pause.) But it could be anything, right? Jerry Yes. And it could be nothing. George Well I better call my doctor and set up an appointment. Jerry (Pointing to phone.) Go ahead. Kramer comes in. Kramer Hey boys, what's shakin'? Jerry Hey Kramer. George (Snapping.) Could you be quiet, I'm on the phone here! Kramer steps into the kitchen with Jerry. Kramer What's with him? Jerry Oh, he just got off the phone with an old girlfriend… said she's got something. Kramer She's got something? Jerry That's what she said. Kramer Hmm. (Short pause.) So what's she got? Jerry Don't know. (Nodding to George.) Neither does he. He's calling his doctor for an appointment right now. Kramer Oh, boy. George gets off the phone and walks over to the kitchen area. Jerry So…? George The receptionist said the doctor had a cancellation and could see me this afternoon. Jerry Great! Jerry goes to the bathroom. Kramer stares at George and follows him over to the couch. They both sit down next to each other. After a short silence… Kramer So… She's got something. George (Throwing his hands up in frustration.) Oh! He told you?! Jerry, why did you tell him? Jerry (From the bathroom.) He asked! Kramer Why not tell me? George I just don't want too many people knowing that I might have something. Kramer Hey, you can confide in me George. I've been there. George You have? Jerry comes out of the bathroom to sit in the chair next to the couch. Kramer Sure! I've been right in your place. Nervous, unsure, not knowing where to turn or what to do… George Itching? Kramer Oh, the worst! But you've got to take control of the situation. You got to take the test. George (Short pause.) What exactly do they do to you? Kramer What? You've never had it done? George No. I've never been in a position where I thought it was necessary. Jerry It's really no big deal. Kramer No big deal? Sure, if you don't mind long needles, standing naked in a room full of strangers walking in and out, and then there's the cotton swabs! George What is so terrifying about a cotton swab? Jerry and Kramer do the ritual of gingerly crossing their legs. George Oh, boy… Kramer Nothing is wrong with them if they stay in their sterile, protective packages. But when that doctor slowly unwraps it and holds it delicately, like a scalpel…(low whistle) All legs crossed now. Jerry It's really not that bad George. George Maybe I should call and postpone the appointment? Jerry You want to know don't you? George Yes! But it sounds too painful. Kramer Ah, it's nothing. George Really? (Long pause.) Will you guys go with me? Scene II: The Hospital Hanging out in the waiting room at the Hospital. Jerry and Kramer are sitting, George is pacing. Kramer is sucking on a tongue depressor. Jerry George, would you stop that? George I can't help it, I'm nervous. Jerry Well you're making me nervous. George (Blowing him off.) Ah!… Then do something about it. Jerry gets up and starts to pace around. Fella Hey, cut it out! You're making me nervous. Jerry and George (Blowing him off.) Ah! The Doctor wanders in. Doctor George? Hello, how are you? George Well… A little nervous. Doctor Of course, I understand. Well, why don't you follow me? George O-okay. (Looking to Jerry and Kramer.) Uh, you guys want to come with? Jerry (Siting down.) Nah, I'll pass. Kramer (Standing up.) Sure. Jerry (Pulling Kramer back down.) We'll wait for you…Good luck. George I'll…uh…be back. George and the Doctor wander off. Jerry and Kramer sit there being quite bored. Cut to the Doctor's office. George is in the process of getting undressed. Doctor So… she's got something? George (Just nods sheepishly.) Doctor Well then, let's find out if you've got it too. When we do this kind of exam, we usually check for crabs, chlamydia, gonorrhea, HiV and syphilis. George My friends said something about a Q-tip…? Doctor A cotton swab? Yes, we use that to test for chlamydia and gonorrhea. With HiV and syphilis we test the blood. One needle, two vials. George How many swabs? Doctor (Smiling.) Two. George Does it hurt much? Doctor (Chuckling slightly.) A little. Cut back to Jerry and Kramer still in the waiting room. Kramer Ya know Jerr, it'll take a few days to get the results of these tests. Jerry Yeah, and we'll have to listen to him worry and complain the entire time. Long pause. Kramer I think I have an idea that could get us the answers we need, fast. Jerry Oh yeah? What's that? Kramer Well if she's got something, maybe she is taking some kind of medication for it… Jerry Yeah, but George doesn't have her number so we can't call to find out. Kramer We could go to her place… Jerry We could, but George wouldn't go. He'd be too afraid, and I'm not comfortable about walking up to some strangers door demanding to know what disease she gave to my friend. Long pause. Kramer (Shrugging.) We could go when she wasn't there… Cut back to the Doctor's office, shot from the hallway on the door. Hear voices from within. George Hey those swabs aren't even close to as wide as I was expecting… Doctor No, they're not that big at all. Cut to a shot of the Doctor's office from the hall. A short pause. and the audibly... George screams... Scene III: Rebecca's apartment. Opens down on street level just in front of Rebecca's apartment as they drive up. Kramer and George are in the back, Jerry in the passenger seat and Elaine driving. Jerry Now you know what to do? Elaine Yes! How many times do we have to go over this? I think I can figure out how to be a getaway driver. George (Looking sick.) Just make sure you leave the car running. Kramer Yeah, we want this caper to go as smooth as possible. Gonna make it an in and out. Elaine I still don't know about this. I don't think you're going to get away with it. Kramer Hey lady, your not being paid to think… just drive. Jerry She's getting paid? I'm not getting paid! I want to get paid! George! Elaine I'm not getting paid. George She's not getting paid! Kramer Damn straight. Especially not if she's going to be thinking. Elaine Oh shut up, Kramer. Kramer Hey, getaway drivers don't think, they drive, that's all. George (Still not looking well.) He's right you know. Jerry Hey, hey , hey! Quit your bickering. We came here to do a job, let's do it. George Yeah, let's get it over with. Getting out of the car… Jerry We'll be back in about fifteen minutes, okay? Elaine Don't worry, I'll be here to drive your little getaway. Kramer Just make sure you are, missy. Jerry and George Kramer! Kramer Alright, alright… Jerry Thanks for doing this Elaine. Elaine That's fine. It's kind of fun actually. Jerry Great, just make sure you're here. Elaine Don't you start with me… Kramer C'mon, let's go. And into the building they go. Cut to the elevator doors opening on the floor in question. Kramer Well men, let's move out. Jerry Hold on Kramer, George still doesn't look very well, maybe we should come back another time. George groans aloud. Kramer What? Do we have ourselves a liability here? Don't jeopardize the mission, George. Jerry Now cut that out! Jeopardize the mission… George, are you sure you want to do this? George (Leaning against the wall.) The doctor said it would take a few days for the results to get back. With what I went through today, I think I need to know the truth sooner than that. Kramer That's right soldier, use that need as a focus. Now, pull it together! Jerry Would you stop that?! Kramer Hey, I'm just trying to create a mood here. Jerry Well stop it. We don't need any moods here. You hear? No moods! Kramer Oo… A little dissension in the ranks, eh? Jerry and George Kramer! Kramer I'm cool, I'm cool. George Look, why don't you two go start. I need some fresh air. George moves over to an open window. Jerry Okay… Come on, Kramer. (Jerry walks off.) Kramer Keep a keen eye soldier. George moves to hit Kramer, but Kramer runs off after Jerry.) Cut to Elaine in the car. Elaine Man this is fun. (She sits there smiling and fidgeting, tapping her fingers on the steering wheel.) Bathroom… Shoulda gone to the bathroom. (She waits a moment longer, then sees a convenient store across the street.) Well, it won't take too long. (She gets out.) Cut to Jerry and Kramer just outside the apartment door. Jerry Okay Kramer, how do we get in? Kramer Credit card. Jerry (Nodding and waiting while Kramer looks at him.) Well? Kramer (Holding out his hand.) I, uh, left my wallet at home. Jerry Oh, alright. (Gets it out (American Express please.:)) Just be careful. Kramer (Starting to work.) Hey, have a little confidence in the master… Jerry You've done this before? Kramer Well, no. But I've seen it done on TV. Just then the other apartment doors open slightly and you can barely see people peeking out of each one. Jerry and Kramer stop what they're doing and slowly turn around. The doors shut and Jerry and Kramer see nothing but an empty hallway. Kramer Strange… Jerry Just hurry up. Kramer gets the card in the door and starts to wiggle it. Jerry Is it working? Kramer Yeah, I think I've almost got it. The card breaks in the door and the part with Jerry's name is the part stuck in the door. Kramer Whoops… (Hands the other half back to Jerry.) Jerry You idiot! My name is on the part that's stuck in the door. Kramer Well it's not my fault you have a defective card. George comes running up to them. George She's back… They're back. Jerry Calm down! George I was leaning out the window, trying to get some cool air, and I saw them walk in the front door. Jerry and Kramer look at each other then all three look at the card in the door. Jerry and Kramer Uh-oh… Cut to Elaine in the convenient store as she walks up to the counter and drops the bathroom key on it. Elaine Thanks, I was about to burst. Fella Uh-huh. Elaine Yeah, well I'll take these, too. (She puts a small bag of pretzels and a soda on the counter.) Fella (Rings it in and tells her the price.) Elaine (Searching for exact change.) There you go. Don't you just love it when a customer gives you exact change? Fella Uh-huh. Elaine walks out and goes back to the car. She realizes the car is gone as she is standing in the spot it was parked in. Elaine Oh great… Cut to Jerry and Kramer frantically trying to get the card out of the door. George Come on, come on. They'll be here any second. They hear the *ding* of the elevator and the card come free. All three make a mad dash for the stairs door. Cut to the elevator doors opening and it is Michael and Rebecca. Rebecca I can't believe they cancelled the entire show like that. Michael Well I believe that it's common practice to close a show when the entire cast is killed in a freak bus accident. Rebecca I know… Still, at least we got our money back. Michael At least. They get to the door and she jingles her keys around and finds the right key. As she begins to open the door the other doors in the hall open slightly (including, but unbeknownst to the couple, the stairs door.) Michael You know, I hate it when they do that every time there is a noise in the hall. Rebecca Thank God we're moving this weekend. He gets romantic and picks her up as she opens the door. He carries her in and the door is pushed shut but doesn't close all the way. All the doors in the hall close except the stairs door. Jerry, Kramer and George slowly creep out and up to the apartment door. George It's still open. Kramer This is our chance. (He starts to go in.) Jerry (Stopping him.) Hold on a sec. We can't just go in there now. Kramer Why not? Jerry Because they are in there. George Maybe we should just leave. Kramer begins to listen at the door. Kramer I hear the shower going. Jerry Maybe only one of them is in the shower. George Maybe we should just leave. Kramer Nah. (He opens the door and goes in.) Jerry and George look at each other, shrug and follow him inside. Cut to the apartment living room. The shower and laughs can be heard in the background. Jerry Okay. They'll probably be in there for a while, but let's be quick about this. Kramer I'll check the fridge. George Kramer! Look somewhere more important. Kramer I'm going to check the fridge door for post-it notes, stuff like that. Jerry Just go. George, you check in here. I'll check the bedroom. Kramer goes to the kitchen, Jerry to the bedroom. George What do I look for? Ah, never mind. George searches around, absently leafing through any papers on the coffee table. He finds the unplugged phone and plugs it back in. He goes to the phone and sees an address book. As he picks it up he notices a pair of socks on the table, too. George Hey, someone has excellent taste. (Slight pause.) I used to have a pair like these. Jerry comes out of the bedroom, Kramer comes out of the kitchen carrying a plate of food that he is eating. George sets down the address book and stands there looking at the socks. Kramer Hey, this is good. Someone here is a great cook. Jerry We're not here to eat. Did you find anything Kramer? Kramer No, just this. You? Jerry Not a thing. George? George is still standing there with a look of shock on his face. He picks up the socks and slowly turns a bit to show Jerry and Kramer the socks. Kramer Hey, nice socks. I had a pair similar to that once. George Me, too. A realization hits Jerry. Jerry You mean we did all this for a pair of socks? George How was I supposed to know? "I've got something." How was I supposed to know it was a pair of socks. Jerry George! Come on, let's get out of here. Kramer, put the food back in the fridge. Kramer Right! George I didn't know! Just then as Kramer turns to go back to the kitchen, the shower turns off. All three freeze. Jerry George, drop the socks. Kramer, drop the food. Let's get out of here! George drops the socks on the table. Kramer drops the food on the floor, and the plate makes a loud sound as it breaks. All three remain frozen to see if they have been caught. From the bathroom: Rebecca What was that?! Michael Sounded like something breaking. Hand me that robe. George What do we do now? Jerry and Kramer Run! The three start to run as the door to the bathroom swings open. Michael is standing there in a robe. The three run out and Kramer trips on the rug, knocking over a vase and breaking it. Kramer makes it out the door just as Michael comes into the room to see Kramers' back running away. Michael Stop! Michael grabs an umbrella and chases after them. Rebecca comes out and follows Michael. The three take the stairs in a mad dash for freedom. Michael chases them still yelling, "Stop!" and whatnot. Cut to Elaine sitting on the curb eating pretzels and drinking her soda. When the three reach the street level they have some space between them so that first Jerry, then George, and finally Kramer comes out. Jerry Where's the car?! Elaine stands up but before she can answer, George come out. George Where's the car?! But before she can answer, Kramer comes out. Kramer Where's the car?! Elaine I don't know!!! Michael comes out and Jerry, Kramer, George, and Elaine gather together opposite him. Michael Hold it right there! What were you doing in our apartment?! George Us? No, we've just been standing here. Michael (Points to Kramer.) You, turn around. Kramer looks at the others, then slowly turns around. Michael Oh, it's you alright. I chased that hair down five flights! Kramer turns back around. Michael Now don't try anything funny! My girlfriend is upstairs right now calling the police. Rebecca comes out. Rebecca Michael? Is everything okay? Michael Did you call the police? Rebecca No, not yet. I wanted to make sure you were alright first. Michael Everything's fine. I'll keep them here, you go make the call. Rebecca starts to turn to go back in, then stops and looks at the group. Rebecca George? Scene IV: The Café Cut to the café. Jerry, Elaine and Kramer are sitting at the table. Jerry I don't think I'll be doing any covert operations for quite a while. Elaine Me either. Kramer Well you're not invited anyway, Ms. Getaway Driver. Elaine Well I'll just have my own covert operations and leave you out of it. Besides, it isn't my fault the car was towed before I got back. Jerry I'm just glad we got out of that mess without getting in trouble with the police. And at least George can stop worrying now. Elaine Where is George anyway, he was supposed to meet us here. Jerry He went back to their apartment to write a check for the things Kramer broke. Kramer Hey, it wasn't my fault that they bought cheap china. Besides, that operation was a favor to George, the least he can do is pay for the damages. George walks in. Jerry How did it go? George throws a pair of socks on the table. George Fine. Though it cost me almost three hundred bucks thanks to Kramer. Kramer Hey it wasn't my fault. George (Mimicking Kramer.) It wasn't my fault. Jerry Did she say anything? George Well, not really… Jerry What did she say, George? George When I told her the reason why we went there, she… laughed. Elaine She laughed? How rude. George On the surface, yes. But… (Short pause.) George I asked her why she laughed. She said it was because… we never slept together. Jerry You never slept with her?! You mean we did all that for you, and you never even slept with her?! George Uh, no. I guess I was so upset that I never really thought about the one night we did spend together. Elaine What did happen? George Nothing. Well almost nothing. We were about to when I commented on my new socks. (He points to the socks on the table.) I had mentioned to her that I had just purchased the socks earlier in the day, and found them to be quite comfortable. The next thing I new she was asking me to leave. Jerry She asked you to leave for mentioning socks? Why? George She said I went on and on about them until she got fed up and told me to get out. I don't see what her problem was. I mean, I don't go on and on about things, do I? (Everyone stares at him.) Elaine Well at least you know now, George. George I suppose. I'm just glad she was willing to listen. Jerry We all are. We could be in jail right now for entering then breaking. Kramer Hey! It wasn't my fault. Jerry Ah! Elaine Well it was a small price to pay to finally know that she didn't give you anything she had. George Oh she gave me something alright… I just hope I never have to pay three hundred bucks for a pair of socks again.