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Greyhound stopped running around in my province a few years ago. I don’t mean the dog, no: those are still available, both as companion animals and as race vehicles. The Greyhound bus decided that it was simply unprofitable to drive up and down the highways and byways of my area and drop off people who didn’t want to or couldn’t use a car to do the same.

As a result, there were a lot of stranded Real Canadians. Now, the politicians will tell you that the only “Real Canadians” are bourgeois agricultural racists who want to separate from Canada, but I knew better. Here in the cities, there were a huge body of people who wanted to go to a different city, and ideally as cheaply as possible without having to worry about smoking a moose with the front end of their Dodge Nitro. I felt it was my civic duty to step up and fill this hole in the market, and also I had a lot of left-over school buses littering my property.

In case you’ve never thought about what happened to your childhood school bus after it got too old to safely be on the road, here’s basically how it goes. First, the bus goes to an auction of some kind, and then it ends up on a farmer’s field for decades, serving as a giant yellow steel windbreak for his cattle. Then, it rots until it is pulled away by the surviving family members of that farmer, and they go to the market to get another one. What this means to me is that you can buy a drivable-but-sketchy cheese wagon for about eighty-five bucks Canadian. A single fare on a Greyhound from here to the next city over is seventy-five bucks. I think you see where I’m going with this.

As you may be aware from reading my Ph. D thesis on the subject, the average sketchy vehicle gets at least one big trip after purchase. You’ve probably experienced this yourself: when you get somewhere in a beater you get out and kiss the ground to give thanks that you made it safely. This is ideally when you stop driving the vehicle, because otherwise your luck will run out and it will blow the fuck up somewhere around the middle of the return leg of the trip. Scientists are now calling this “The Shitbox Inflection.” We capitalize on this discovery as the linchpin - or should I say, kingpin? - of our business model.

Upon buying a bus from the auction or a friendly farmer, we immediately drive it past the assigned pickup point (a Canadian Tire parking lot), and pick up as many people as we think can fit inside the bus. Once it arrives at its destination (exact schedules are not guaranteed), our trained drivers put a brick on the gas pedal and ditch the thing into the river. On the way back, we just pick up another.

There are some problems with this model. For one thing, we can only do trips as frequently as the auction schedule. Also, sometimes you’ll have to help the driver change a tire, or act as the turn signals for the bus, depending on whether we got a bum one that morning. I think you’ll agree, however, that this still serves the core service of Greyhound by reminding people who can’t afford a car that they are sub-humans who don’t deserve nice things.

#greyhound bus #dodge #dodge nitro #canada

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2007 - 2012 Dodge Nitro Australian 🇦🇺 ad. Offered with a V6 or turbo diesel engine. The R/T model featured a 4.0-liter V6 engine producing 260 horsepower.

Key Features: Standard equipment included 20-inch alloys (on the SXT model), ABS and ESP with traction control, selectable 4WD, dual front and side curtain airbags, and rear park assist.

Towing Capacity: The Nitro was built with rugged full-length frame rails, giving it a substantial 5,000-pound towing limit (1,500 pounds more than a Toyota RAV4 and more than three times a Honda CR-V).

2007 Dodge Nitro - MotorWeek