How does Anders handle grief?
not well, lmao.
i imagine that he has for the most part internalised all his grief, and that has aligned essentially with the outward strength he has to show and possess, learned from his childhood and living in the circle for so long. because it essentially falls in line with the power and weakness of love, right?
to show one’s grief, to show how much something has shattered you, how the sadness is this heavy thick thing swallowed that cant quite be pushed down well, swallowed and digested --- it’s power to the templars and to those who have inflicted it upon you to show them that they have broken you, that they have done something that has hurt you.
and they can do it again, if they so wish.
you show them the wound and they’ll twist the blade, show them an opening and they’ll strike at it again.
anders in general is defiant, and to most, this is not something he will show --- softness is hidden beneath burred edges of a guarded man. it’s only those he trusts, those he believes he can show a glimpse of his true self that will see the sorrow in the way his shoulders set, or how his eyes are that little bit red and there’s salt water stain against the sleeve of his arm. anders will only speak to those he knows he can confide him, and who have breached his guard of how he truly feels because it’s just a deep thing and he just feels SO MUCH.
but people like that are rare, and though some may catch a glimpse with glassy eyes, or a shift in expression when he thinks no one’s listening, it’s only for a moment. and that there would be a piece of him stolen, rather than anything else, because he wouldn’t want to show anything that may seem to make him what he believes is weak.
but when he is sad, there then comes routine --- bury himself in his work, wrap silence around himself and keep his hands moving. the mantra is something repetitive, perhaps teachings that come from the school of healing that are just easy to recall and repeat, or his own beliefs, or perhaps he’ll do small things in his clinic, or write in a manifesto. either way, he will distract himself, and with that, for the most part, he will shift that worry onto others by playing their healer, rather than healing himself.
perhaps that’s simply because he thinks that time will heal his wounds, perhaps he thinks himself undeserving, or perhaps he just simply does not know how to heal himself in that way --- there’s plenty of reasons, all complex and intertwined amongst each other, and i’m going to stop it there before i start sounding more extra than i already do
