I don’t like to open up very often
So a few days ago, my youngest brother eloped before he heads back to the Army where he will be in Colorado. Last night my oldest brother proposed and got engaged to his girlfriend of 10 years. My middle brother, has been with his girlfriend since his freshman year of high school. Together for 15 years and married for two. And my brother who is not married or engaged has been together with his girlfriend for almost 5 years. Mayb e more or less but definitely longer than 3. I’m here, never having a girlfriend. Not really for the lack of trying or maybe I just don’t try hard enough. I didn’t really like the feeling of opening up and getting crushed. So for the longest time I didn’t really catch feelings for anyone. I was okay with that. I was happy. I am happy for all my brothers. I’m not depressed. I’m not angry. I’m not jealous. I’m not looking for any pity. It’s just sad. I can be sad. And I just want that and I’m scared I’ll never get it. It’s not meant for everybody I guess.
I don’t really know what my problem is. I guess I’m not always good at expressing myself through talking. Usually I just like to show how I feel. Through actions or letters or poems. Or maybe it’s like this one girl said and that maybe it has to do with my personality. But she also said that maybe I should talk to someone. So I’m talking to whoever will read this. I care about so many other people’s happiness that I’m starting to feel the effects of who’s looking at for mine. This is not to say that I’m not happy. It’s just nice to feel appreciated once in awhile. This will pass, probably after the holidays are over. Such a tough time. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this kind of stuff anymore. I still believe everything will turn out okay.