childhood friend!gojo's first fight with loner!reader
tags: high school au, childhood friends, reader has an inferiority complex, reader is avoidant, reader lowk needs therapy, gojo is trying his best, an attempt at angst, happy ending
wc: 2,9k
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you hate satoru gojo.
you always have, from the moment he first approached you. it was long before middle school, before you understood how complicated people would be. you remember it with irritating clarity. you sat on the grass, staring at your sneakers. somehow, leisure time was the worst part of the day.
you didn't understand why he had gone up to you back then.
"what's your favorite color?" he asked. you didn't answer, but he sat with you anyway. "mine is light blue. like the ocean. and the sky on a sunny day. just like right now!" he pointed at the sky, like he wanted you to see.
you thought he was too talkative and annoying. that he was ruining your solitude by clinging to you. how you wanted him to just leave you to your own devices, even though he filled every gap where loneliness should've been.
"everyone! pair up in groups of two for this project!" you remember the teacher's shrill voice as clear as day. how you stared down at your hands in your lap, like ignoring your environment would somehow make it disappear.
a pair of hands slammed onto your desk. "y/n! what are you sulking about? let's pair up!" you looked up to see satoru looking at you with those striking blue eyes, and that carefree and confident smile you had always secretly envied.
you remember the first time he waited for you after class in middle school. he had followed you to lunch that day. you remember thinking, this idiot would follow me to the ends of the world if he could.
"hey, y/n! i saved you a spot, c'mon." satoru pats the spot next to him when he sees you walk into class. the homeroom teacher hadn't arrived yet. as soon as you sit down, he's already talking your ear off.
"you know that our graduation is coming up soon, right? have you thought about colleges yet?" he leans onto your side of the desk, playing with the edge of your sleeve absently.
"not really? i'll probably just go to one near my house." you sit still as you stare down at his hand fidgeting with your sleeve.
"cool. we'll just go to the same one then," he says casually, like it wasn't a big deal at all. his hand moves to the tie of your uniform, catching it between his fingers. they brush over the fabric once, smoothing it over, before letting it fall back into place. you could feel your heart pulse in your throat.
"move," you say flatly.
"huh?! what did i do?!" satoru pouts, looking at you like you just kicked his puppy.
"you're being annoying, leaning all over my desk like that. sit properly." he huffs in annoyance, but complies anyway. you sigh in relief.
his friends walk into class and take the seats in front of you. they're already laughing and chatting, and you wonder why he doesn't laugh like that when it's just the two of you.
at lunch, it's the same story. you're sitting with satoru at a table, and when his friends arrive, you suddenly feel like an outsider in a space that used to belong to the two of you. you're glued to your phone, not even doing anything productive, but you feel like you have no other option to act distracted.
"satoru, there's this new arcade near the mall. wanna check it out after school with shoko and i?" suguru addresses satoru, but satoru looks at you. great, here comes the pity invite you always decline.
"y/n, you could come if you want?" he pokes your cheek once, and you just shake your head no, not looking up from your screen. satoru just looks at you for a moment before turning back to his friends.
"actually, i have plans after school. gotta babysit my nephew and shit. he loves me." satoru sighs, placing a hand on his chest dramatically. suguru and shoko give each other a look.
after school, satoru catches up with you as you're exiting the gate.
"hey! it's no fair you're always leaving without me. i always wait for you!" satoru huffs, falling into step beside you. right, he waits for you when he's not hanging out with his other friends.
"didn't you say you have plans?" you look up at him, and he shoots you a grin.
"yup. i'm attending to them right now."
"...uh, your nephew?" you ask, confused on what he's getting at.
"no, you. i don't even have a nephew, you know this??" he scoffs and shakes his head disappointedly.
"...then why did you lie?" for some reason, his grin fades a bit when you ask.
"because i wanted to hang out with you, duh. you know, suguru and the others aren't so bad. it wouldn't hurt to say yes to their invite once in a while?" he suggests offhandedly, but you can feel the irritation bubbling up inside of you.
"their invite? you mean your invite."
he shrugs. "same difference."
"no, it's not. why do you keep inviting me? you don't have to pretend to care or whatever."
"wh- pretend? excuse me? y/n, i'm always inviting you because i want to hang out with you! because we're friends!" he lightly shoves your shoulder, as if you just said something ridiculous.
"yeah, alright..." you mumble in resignation.
you walk in silence for a moment. it was a beautiful spring day, not that you cared. whenever you walked into a shadow, you felt a rush of cool air, only for the radiating heat to hit you again once you stepped out. it felt like the sun was mocking you with its brightness.
"did i do something wrong?" satoru asks all of a sudden, catching you off guard.
"what? no. what makes you think that?"
"i don't know? you're just so distant now. you don't even talk to me when i'm with my other friends." he says it casually, but he's fidgeting with the edge of his sleeve. your heart skips a beat at the question.
"what's the problem with that?" you mumble, avoiding his eyes as you keep walking.
"y/n, the problem is that we barely hang out anymore. i miss talking with you, y'know?" he's looking at you now, you can tell, but you refuse to look at his face.
"well... okay? maybe we're just too different now." you grip the straps of your backpack tightly, like it's the only anchor you can hold onto in this conversation.
"different how? we've been friends since we were six! c'mon, there's something you're not telling me." he steps in front of you, making you stop walking. you finally look at him and see that weirdly serious look in his eyes.
"no? some people just grow apart..."
"but that isn't the case for us! we're still close, right? when it's just the two of us?" there's this pleading look in his blue eyes now, like he needs to know you're on the same page, but it only annoys you further.
"yeah, just when it's the two of us. not around others, don't you get that?" you snap, and satoru falters at that.
"huh? so you're upset because i'm hanging out with other people?"
"what...? no... i don't care who you hang out with..." you mumble, denying it immediately.
"then what is it? don't you see i hate seeing you like this?"
"like what?"
"like you're trying to disappear in the background. there's something you're not telling me."
"there isn't. i don't know what you're talking about, i've always been like this, haven't i?"
"no, no you have not. you know damn well this isn't about your personality." he places his hands on your shoulders, looking at you so intensely it hurts. "we're best friends. you know you can tell me anything, right?"
"we're not best friends." you say it slowly, with a resigned tone. like this was some unspoken truth you decided to say for the first time. satoru's entire expression falls.
"what?" he looked more hurt than confused. his hands drop to his sides.
"we're not close at all. you said it yourself. just because we were close in elementary school doesn't mean we're close now." you try to keep your voice stable, but a lump is already forming in your throat.
"what are you saying?" he frowns at you, looking at you with this mix of disbelief and hurt that makes your chest tighten with guilt.
"i'm saying that maybe we're better off without each other."
"okay, slow way the fuck down. no way you're saying that out of nowhere. do you think i'm replacing you or something?"
"what? no, i don't. we're just different people now, aren't we? is it that hard to believe i don't want to be around you?"
"yes! yes, it is hard to believe! it's always been us, and now you're saying you want to throw that away?"
"yeah, it was always us, until it wasn't!"
"so that's it? you're upset i have friends that aren't you?
"that's not what this is about-"
"then what is it about?!" he sounds so desperate to know, and you hate how concerned he sounds.
"you wouldn't understand..." your voice cracks when you say it, and you turn your head away. there were millions of things you wish you could say. like how you miss feeling important. how you wish it was just the two of you again. that maybe you were a bit jealous.
"then help me understand!" he holds your gaze, lips pressed together. "please..."
"forget it..." your voice cracks, and before you can stop them, the tears roll down your face. you turn away, bolting into a hurried jog, gaze locked onto the pavement.
satoru feels like someone just punched him in the gut. you're crying, and it's his fault. he reaches out, but doesn't stop you.
-
you avoid satoru for about a week. you pack up your stuff before class even ends. you escape into the library before satoru even gets the chance to catch up with you. you're moving in between classes like you're in a hurry.
it's not that you were mad at him. he didn't actually do anything wrong, right? it was just embarrassing to show your face in front of him after that whole ordeal with the crying.
satoru notices what you're doing. of course he does. at some point, he's fed up. you see him waiting at the gate as you're exiting the building. maybe you can walk past him without noticing? before you can think of another solution, he approaches you.
"hey! i know you're not about to run away from me," he says in his usual cheerful tone, slinging an arm around your shoulders. you don't know why you feel so relieved he's acting normal after everything that happened.
"get your arm off of me." you sigh, and his grin falters. he drops his arm.
"right..." he falls into step beside you, before speaking again. "so... how are you?" he asks, like he wants to postpone addressing the obvious elephant in the room.
"satoru. what do you want?" you mutter, kicking a pebble on the sidewalk.
"okay, look. i just want to talk, okay?" his usual carefree smile is entirely gone now, replaced by a serious, almost nervous look.
"about what? what happened last week?"
"yeah but... not just that, but about us, y'know? i'm sorry."
"for what?" you ask, staring ahead of you. you're about to reach the park you always pass on the way home.
"for upsetting you. fuck, i made you cry... and i hate that. i should've noticed sooner that something was wrong."
"i mean, it's fine. i didn't say anything. it's not like you could've known."
"yeah but, god... i know. truth is, i still don't understand. i still don't fully know what's going on inside your head, but i want to so badly, y/n."
"...no, but, it's stupid. it's just my own issues. i don't want to project that onto you. i'm not mad or anything, so it's fine now."
"don't do that. you keep saying 'it's fine' when you know it's not. and it's clearly not stupid if it's bothering you this much. i know there's something going on, but you need to tell me what."
"no, i swear, it's not a big deal. you're probably gonna judge me and think it's stupid anyway."
"no!" he stops in front of you. "no, i won't! i've been going insane this past week, okay? seriously, i wouldn't even care if you murdered a family!"
"wha- calm down! i'll tell you, okay?" you sit down at a nearby bench, and he follows suit. his gaze is solely focused on you. "it's just... do you remember when it was just us?" you stare down at your hands in your lap, fidgeting with the strap of your backpack.
"yeah, of course i do." he nods, as if recalling all of those past moments.
"yeah... and then you got all these other friends, and, i don't know... i just felt like i didn't have a place in your life anymore." you look up at him, and he's looking at you with these wide eyes, like he can't believe what you just said.
"...what?"
"you have all these great friends, they're social and fun and, it's not like you need me anymore, right? i'm just... kinda that friend you keep around because you feel like you have to."
"y/n, no. it's not like that at all. you really think i was keeping you around because i feel bad?" he's leaning forward now, like he needs you to look at his face to tell how sincere he is.
"but satoru, come on. we never hang out anymore. it's always just you and the others, but it's okay, i know i'm not exactly the 'fun' type of person."
"no! don't just jump to conclusions like that, jesus... i've been choosing to walk you home since we were six! you think i'd do that out of pity?"
"yeah, but that was in the past... you don't have to say things to make me feel better," you mutter, staring at the way the petals of a cherry blossom tree flutter to the ground.
"make you- what?" he recoils, like he was just accused of a crime. "y/n, do you know how many times you've told me to leave you alone? and i never listened once, you know why?"
"why?" you look at him, and you're just staring into each other's eyes for a moment.
"because i like you!" satoru exclaims, and his eyes widen after, like he can't believe he just said that. you're also staring at him in disbelief. this stupid guy, the one you had convinced yourself doesn't need you, likes you.
"...you like me?"
"yeah... i do. you don't have to say it back, i just needed you to know, alright?" he's looking at you with this relieved smile, like he's glad he told you after all.
"okay, well, even after all that shit i did? y'know... being difficult and stuff." satoru shakes his head at that, his tone brightens, as if to lighten the mood.
"that doesn't matter. besides, i'd be upset too if i was you. hell, i'd probably hit myself-"
"i like you too," you blurt out, and satoru's eyes pop out of his head. his entire body freezes, and he looks at you like he can't believe you're real.
"you... you do? actually?" you nod, and apparently he only needs half a minute to recover from this shocked state, before his usual confidence takes over. a self-satisfied grin forms on his face. "i mean, obviously you would like me. just look at my beautiful-" you hit his arm. "ow- hey!"
"you're so stupid," you say with that familiar feigned annoyance, and satoru gasps in mock offense, but he's grinning at you.
"wow, i profess my undying love for you and this is the response i get? you make me sick." he crosses his arms grumpily, before suddenly opening them wide, like a peacock showing off his feathers. "come here."
you reluctantly lean into his embrace, and his arms wrap around you like a cocoon. he's holding onto you like he never wants to let go, his chin resting on your shoulder. he faintly smells of vanilla and clean laundry.
after a moment, you're about to pull away, but he just tightens his grip on you.
"hello? are you not done?" you ask, starting to get annoyed. you've been publicly hugging in a park for over a minute.
"no. i'm having a healing moment." he stays like that a bit longer, and then finally pulls away from a hug.
the walk home is quieter than usual. you walk that familiar path to your house, and your fingers occasionally graze his. at some point, he takes your hand in his. you look at him and of course he's grinning.
you thought you hated satoru gojo.
you could think of a bunch of reasons not to like him. how loud and persistent he was, how he never left you alone, how easily he belonged everywhere you didn't. but most of all, you hate how much time you had spent doubting your friendship, when he had been choosing you all along.
