evyerthing could be a little more bearable if my to dos could be managed
if i felt like i truly can do all the housework i need to do and the homework i could make it through if those things could be like instantly cleared up and/or easy and i had space to selfcare or something
but i dont know who at all to help with my homework and my brain literally for a million reasons can not do the homework on my own and for the one assignment i dont know if i even quite have all the resources i need to complete it.
honestly i could probably make it through all of this and my mental illness way better if it wasnt for school. school is one of my biggest stressors
housework and job and life would still be almost at my limit without school probably but at least then there would be more room to work as far as getting help, taking breaks, self care, etc
because ive made progress
i have ive made progress like a bit in how i treat myself .. or was. and ive made progress in little ways to deal with an organize life better if it i just had more time and could manage my mental illness better and even just having much more free time to self care would make the mental illness a bit more manageable to apply those organization and things that would make my life run a little smoother.
but school is just the one thing that pushes me over and im terrified because honestly i just keep getting more and more proof thati cant handle school. I really cant. and its not good for my mental health. or emotional health or any of my health aha.
but i dont have an option in school. like i know there are so many posts and people talking about and saying that if you need to drop out of school thats okay and youre not bad and if you need to, do it, and put your mental health first. but like thats not an option for me. and this is not catastrophizing its true: if I were to drop out of school:
I would immediately and permanently lose a monthly funding I receive that I need to support myself
I would very likely almost guaranteed be kicked out of my house if i dropped out of school - and yes, obviously family would SOMEHOW make sure I had housing, however if that required money I’d be really screwed (since I would be losing 300 some $ a month) and also there is the issue of my cat and i cant lose my cat. so losing the housing i currently have before is necessary is just not an option because it would make my life much more difficult and my mental health even worse than staying in school
I would be have to start paying off my student loans within six/seven months of dropping out of school (also, if I dropped out without finishing my program I would have issues with the provincial loans and wouldnt be able to start another program and get a loan for that very soon after at all). which brings me back to the money issue; I would have trouble supporting myself let alone paying back loans
I would probably face various shaming and scolding from family members and other people in my life that would create SIGNIFICANT panic and mental health issues more again
I wouldn’t have anything that could help me get a career to support myself in life, so that would make me feel hopeless and my mental illness way worse
etc ( i cant remember the rest right now)
BASICALLY the point is i really really can not drop out of or stop school. it is not an option for me. but at the same time it really IS a huge problem for my mental health. It really is. And idk what to do about that. Because its really really NOT healthy or safe to several times a year be absolute compeltely so overwhelmed i want to die...
sigh my original point was that to survive this week, to pull me out of this absolute thorough overwhelm of my entire being to the point I don’t want to exist and I want to die and am like.. losing my mind and spiraling into thoughts like; that i SHOULDNT have EVER existed and DESERVE to die and it would be better for those around me. (when thats not true and i know it but im getting so overwhelmed and then extra-overwhelmed and none of it is getting any relief so there isnt any way for it to get worse other than really losing it thought and logic wise). To pull me out of this I need some way to feel hope that I really can do the housework and most importantly the homework. But help in it too. Not just hope I can do it on my own. Somehow some form of help sigh but idk what kind or from who or how. and there istn really anything
so.. im stuck feeling trapped and overwhelmed andat my end and i try, and i kinda come out of it for little periods by ignoring it all but then that just is more time of me not doing stuff and getting more overwhelmed and panicked because the things arent getting one. im not sure how to win. im not sure how to survive.
i wish i could tell my mom any of this. I wish I could talk to my mom abou tmy feelings. I wish she would hear me. Truly fully. and not discount and dismiss things I feel and say and do. I wish she didnt still - even through all of the progress she has made in how she treats me cuz it IS huge, but then there are times she so hugely slides back and so quickly makes me feel like shit and wish i was never born and feel that she wishes the same overall - make me feel like a failure.
