#doomed...

[kirkllie]

// Kirkllie was really in love with Ollie btw

[ravennashubris]

Dierdre's Journal Entries #1

12/10/85

Today is my birthday. Isn’t that fun? 

When I woke up today I didn’t realize how much I missed living with my parents. When I was really little my dad used to peek his head past my door the night before my birthday, just when it reached twelve, and say “Happy birthday”. He did the same with my little sister. Well, she and I are twins. But I think it’s funny to call her little even if we’re only a minute apart. 

You would think being older than her I would be the one to tease her the most out of the two of us, but it’s actually been the other way around for as long as I can remember. I really love my sister. I do. 

But I can’t lie and say she wouldn’t be considered to be something of an ass, even out of sibling banter.

Without her in my life, I think I’d be lonelier than I am right now. It feels like she’s the only thing keeping me from going psycho on a poor stranger.

I wish I could say she lives with me in this apartment, but she doesn’t. She left me behind to go to a college out of state. I heard she’s hard at work studying criminology, which sounds completely ridiculous. I never thought that suited her. So much for growing up and sharing an apartment together. It’s only been me here for months now. 

Mom and Dad are close by, so I shouldn’t be close to tears, but I am. They said they would help me as much as they can with all of this. Clearly, I don’t know the first thing about money or living by myself. Today, I turned nineteen. But I don’t feel like an adult at all. I know it would take everything out of me to move, but if Mom called me and said that she wanted me to live with her and Dad again, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

But this is what being an adult is like, and I have to accept that. I need to do all of this on my own. Mom always tells me she won’t be around forever, so I need to focus on my responsibilities more than ever. That means taking the first big step — and living on my own. I just want to go back home and sit on my tire swing to think. 

On a better note, the start of my day wasn’t the worst thing. The night before, my parents told me they would be holding a party for me at our house. I suppose it wouldn’t be mine anymore, would it? I don’t live there anymore. They said they were buying me a cake. Strawberry, my favorite flavor. Because it’s my birthday, it’s Annette’s too. My sister. So once I came back from the diner, the first thing I did was call her and tell her that I wish she was here. She said she missed me too, but she would be thinking about me, Mom, and Dad. I wish she hadn't abandoned me. She had always been more extroverted than me.

I called Mom and Dad next to ask if I could invite anyone to the party, and they said I could. I had the only person I could think of in mind. There’s this boy I’ve been getting to know over the past two months. We first met at the diner I work at. His name is Nigel, and he seems friendly enough. Nigel. I felt a little bad for him because of how old-fashioned his name sounded. Internally, I figured he seemed more like an Andy. But who am I to judge? Most people can’t even figure out how to say my name on my name tag. 

Even though we’ve only known each other for a short time, I already feel like he and I connect in so many ways. Once we got more comfortable together, I found out that he was much more reserved than I thought. When we first met, he seemed slightly awkward but looked like he was used to talking to people. The more we spoke, though, I noticed him stumbling over his words whenever he looked at me. So when we talked, it wasn’t face-to-face as much.

I really didn’t want to spend another birthday without inviting anybody. So Nigel was my only choice.

I guess I can only blame myself for not socializing more. But this was good enough. Maybe I was just lucky, and Nigel was the result of it.

We walked together to my parents’ house, and he met them for the first time. When he was introducing himself to them, my mom looked at Nigel and then at me (I also noticed she got her hair permed. It’s not fair, I hate my hair). She gave me this weird look, and I knew it pretty well. She was under the impression that Nigel was a special person in my life. I’m sure you can guess what that meant. Later, when we were alone, she confirmed what I suspected and I easily disproved her. Nigel was my friend. 

I’m not one of those girls who instantly attach themselves to a guy they knew for a single night just to call him their ‘boyfriend’. Girls like that baffle me. I don’t understand them. And I don’t want to. Hookups are so dumb.

We all ended up eating cake together, but Nigel drew away after a few minutes and sat in the rocking chair in the living room. I knew him enough at this point where I could tell he wasn’t being rude. He was just done talking. 

And I could understand that.

I opened some presents my parents got me. Mom got me a sweater I’ve been wanting for a while, and some books. While Dad got me a blanket and hair clips (as if I already didn’t look stupid enough — it was nice of him though). 

I found out Nigel even got me something too: a handbag. 

It was something I really needed because it seemed like I’d been carrying too many things with me lately. It was designed in a style that seemed just right for me too. Somehow, he read me like a book. And I was ecstatic. I thanked him, and he seemed modest about it. But he looked content just seeing me happy in that moment.

Eventually, the party ended, and Nigel walked me all the way back to my apartment. On the way, it began to lightly snow around us. I don’t know if it was just my senses readjusting after a new experience with a new friend, or the humidity, or how he looked faintly blue from the weather, but during that walk, I felt like I saw Nigel in a new light. 

Maybe he saw me in one, too?

Or maybe I have no clue what I’m talking about. Even after it all, my birthday today was still something I’d consider ‘fine’. I’d prefer there to be more people rather than three. But even then, I‘d probably be horribly shy to talk to them. My hand is getting tired now, so I think I’m done for tonight. I already wrote a lot more than I usually do. 

So goodnight.

Maybe I can see how much it snowed tomorrow.

[pumpkinmutual]

You like bmth? I had no idea 🖤 the whole TTS album is incredible.

I do!! They're definitely my go to when I need like,,,a vent song? but god yes it is, I'll love them til the day I die tbh lkajdf