Warm Welcome for Cold Callers: When Mike from windows came knocking
One of the many pleasures and madnesses of being a stay home parent is the opportunity to waste the time of those who would waste yours, and to do so in creative ways gives me some respite from cleaning and talking to a child all day.
I am, occasionally, glad of a visit from a doorstep salesperson. I think it’s because I miss the audience that teaching provided. A captive one.
A few weeks ago, a man from Everest knocked on my door and he thought my windows looked tired. I tried to do a bit of grammar banter with him by replying, ‘I’m not surprised, they’re running with condensation.’ I thought that was his way in but he started talking about upvc and I realised the game was over. I complimented him on his use of personification but scolded him for his rudeness about my soporific windows and sent him on his way.
Today, Mike tried to sell me some windows. I had more time for Mike:
Window salesman, Mike: Hello there.
Me: Hello.
Mike: You wouldn’t believe how I’ve struggled with every gate along your road.
Me: Believe? Or care? Have I stopped work to listen to how you can’t open a gate? Because my life is too short. I’m forty-one years old and I don’t think I have long enough to live to spend it on this kind of talk.
Mike: I’m sorry. I expect windows are right at the back of your mind at the moment.
Me: No. They are at the forefront of my thoughts. Always.
Mike: So, you might be thinking of changing them?
Me: No. Just windows in general fascinate me. It’s the whole idea that you can see through it but you can’t go through it. It’s weird. It’s like some kind of sorcery. I can’t comprehend it. I think about windows all the time.
Mike: Me too!
Me: I think you might be in the wrong job, then. I couldn’t do it. Not the way I feel.
Mike: I’m sorry. I notice you have the aluminium windows at the front. Is it the same at the back?
Me: Yes, we have windows at the back. Otherwise it would be really dark. I do like darkness, though, Mike. Can I call you Mike?
Mike: Yes, please do. And would you be thinking of changing them?
Me Under what circumstances?
Mike: I’m sorry.
Me: I don’t understand your use of tense in that question. Would I be thinking of changing them? Under what circumstances would I be thinking of changing them? If my life depended on it? If I won the lottery? I don’t get it.
Mike: I’m sorry. Do you think you’ll be changing your windows in the near future?
Me: No.
Mike: Fair enough.
Me: I think so. My windows.
Mike: I’m here to tell you we can offer to buy your old windows off you.
Me: Are you?
Mike: Yes. Is that something you would be interested in?
Me: No. Because then I’d have a big hole in the wall and it would get cold. And wet, when it rained. It would be a stupid thing to do, Mike, sell my windows.
Mike: We can offer you a range of replacement windows.
Me: I see. That would certainly help me out of a situation.
Mike: Would you be interested in our offer.
Me: That depends.
Mike: On what?
Me: On the truth about that offer, Mike. I suspect you will charge slightly more for the windows so that the offer of buying my windows, which you will scrap, is meaningless. On that basis, I’m out. Is that what you want from me, Mike? Is that how it works?
Mike: We offer competitive prices on our range of windows.
Me: That doesn’t mean anything. I could compete with Amir Khan. He would beat the crap out of me, but I’m still competitive.
Mike: We price match our competitors.
Me: So what’s the point of you doing this, if all your prices are the same?
Mike: Would you be interested in our offer?
Me: I would. If you hadn’t knocked on my door and wasted five minutes of my life. When I want oranges I don’t have Tesco and Waitrose on the doorstep telling me how to buy them. Because that would be a really patronising thing to do to a customer. So I go to the shop. I expect I could do something similar if I wanted windows. I wouldn’t sit in my house waiting for someone to knock on the door so that I could put an end to the misery of a draught coming through my aluminium windows. I’d find out who does the best deal on windows and get them to fit new ones.
Mike: So we can’t interest you in our offer?
Me: Who’s we? Who have you got with you? I can only see one of you. Is someone else there? I can’t see them. I can’t see them, Mike. Can you see them?
Mike: Thanks for your time today.
Me: Mike! Mike! Don’t leave them here with me. Mike! I can’t see them, Mike.
“Get off my land” in pirate voice will do the same job, but this was a fine way to kill a moment before school pick up, and I doubt if Mike will be back.