my cousin is missing my mom is being pissy my brother wont sleep at night or do school im :) I NEED TO MOVE OUT SO BAD BUT IM WORRIED THIS DAMN HOUSE WILL BURN DOWN IF IM NOT HERE!!!!
man im gettin real tired of tomblr.com it’s not cause of anyone everyone has been relativly nice to me or the site’s layout at this point i just dont really have the interest/energy to be on here I dunno why i’m still compelled to like queue things i just dunno
I don’t think I’ll be able to spank my children...
My whole life, I’ve never seen much problem with people spanking their children, as long as it is done as punishment for a wrongdoing, not as abuse. It’s most likely because I grew up with spankings as an occasional punishment. But today, I had an experience that turned how I feel about the matter on its head.
I have a little sister, who is roughly seven years younger than me. She was always a bit of a bully baby. When she was upset, she would throw things, scratch, bite, you name it. Eventually, she learned that if she did that to Mom or her dad, she’d get in trouble. But, if she did it to me, I’d just cry. I wasn’t allowed to hit back, since she was only a baby and I could seriously hurt her. So, she grew up thinking that I was her personal punching bag.
Once my sister hit a certain age, Mom deemed it okay to retaliate when she hurt me. She was old enough to take what she dished out. But, considering I was still just a child, I didn’t quite know how to pull my punches. I usually hit her too hard and got yelled at for it. At that age, I didn’t understand why I was getting yelled at for doing something that I was told I was allowed to do. After a while, I gave up on the whole retaliation thing and resigned to my life as my little sister’s punching bag again.
Fast forward a few years, where my sister is 11 and I am soon turning 18. My mom is at work a lot, so I’m responsible for my sister. However, that’s usually a bit of a problem. My sister never learned to respect me as an older sibling. I’m allowed to ground her and such, but a part of me just doesn’t like to punish her. I know she won’t really learn otherwise, yet it just feels bad. In the months I’ve been watching her since Mom got her job, I’ve personally only grounded my sister once, and only for a day.
Now we finally come to today’s events. The actually important part of this ramble.
Mom is getting ready to leave to go to her boyfriend’s, so we were all out on the porch, and she’s taking my sister with her. But, as usual, my sister’s hair is a mess. So, Mom tells her to go get a brush. My sister gets mad and, on her way back inside, she attempts to hurt me out of anger. While my sister was inside, Mom and I had a brief talk about how my sister does that all the time. Naturally, Mom tells me to hit her back, and I mention how that’s gone bad in the past. Mom explains that there’s a difference between hitting back when/ because I’m angry and hitting back as a punishment. My sister comes back outside with a brush and Mom tells me to go get the plastic stirring spoon. My stomach dropped; I knew exactly where this was going. But, I went and got the spoon anyways. Mom told me to tell my sister what she did wrong and what I was going to do to punish her. Nothing has ever been more difficult for me to say in my life, and that is not even a mild exaggeration. I barely spanked my sister with the spoon, not even hard enough to make her cry, and I only did it once. But, dear gods, did it feel awful.
I ran back inside to put the spoon away and I was already tearing up. I wiped my face and went back out to the porch. Mom took one look at me and she just opened her arms. I hugged her and she told me to just let it out. I don’t even completely understand it yet, but I started bawling, hard enough to make my stomach clench up and ache. I just felt so awful that I had to resort to that kind of punishment. I wasn’t hurting her out of anger, and without that justifying my actions in my mind, I felt absolutely terrible. Mom told me she reacted the same way when she spanked me for the first time.
Once Mom and my sister left, I took a bit to mull things over. I wasn’t even sure if I was going to write this up. But I felt it was necessary to get it out. While I was thinking, I realized that if it felt that bad to hit my sister, I can only imagine how awful it would be to harm my own child. I never thought that spankings would be hard on the person dishing them out. I thought it was a simple, easy thing. But, after this experience, I can imagine very few things that would be harder. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to spank my children. Not after feeling like that.
