this is unedited and written quickly at shit o clock so it’s not that good hence why i’m just posting it like this-- but i just wanted to write something for dr-erland who always inspires me to reach for greater heights ♥
Spur of the moment things are always a hit or miss, he knows. And yet he's not entirely sure what to call the current situation out of those two extremes.
There's something so awkward hanging in the air that he's leaning towards a miss - what kind of people would sit together with just the two of them in an ice cream parlor and not exchange a single word and hardly any glances? - but on the other hand.. well, they're still in an ice cream parlor rather than being stuck in the stuffy and dark hallways of the Church. It's something, and sometimes something is all you can take when the alternative means being in a place where half of the time he just feels trapped, where there are hardly even windows to let out the light from the outside. He's sometimes joked that jail probably would have been more accomodating (not entirely without bitterness, because that is where he would have been now if he wasn't here instead) to Haruki, who let out a very short amused sound at it before they'd just continue on with what they were doing at any given moment.
But today he's not here with Haruki. If it was like that, they at least would have been talking and the atmosphere would at least have been a little bit lighter than this. It wouldn't have been a spur of the moment sort of thing - or even if it was, it wouldn't have been something he'd never thought of before, taking his Messiah out to a place like this.
Instead he dragged along someone much more unfamiliar to him. A tall guy with hair only barely falling down to his neck, with eyes that watch but never really seem to see anything specifically.
It's Haku Mitsumi, and he's currently eating a sorbet of which the size has only been spoken of before in myths, Souma is pretty sure. That can't even have been on the menu. But Haku is eating, and that's already a lot better than ten minutes ago. Sure, they still aren't talking, and there's this weird feeling in the air that they're here together but they're not here together, but it's something. A small step. It's better than looking at Haku as he glances between him and the ice cream with a weird mix of confusion and suspicion in his eyes. Like a rat that's wondering if it's stuck in some sort of experiment.
.. no, that's not the right metaphor for Haku, Souma thinks as he watches the other silently lick every last bit of the cold substance off his spoon after he's swallowed some of the ice cream.
He probably couldn't form a metaphor for Haku that would entirely fit. He doesn't know him well enough - hell, he doesn't even know him on any personal level. He knows that Haku has apparently been with Sakura for quite some time. That he's had two Messiah and that both of them died. That most of the people in the Church had taken to calling him "jinx", some even going so far as to move away when Haku was walking down the hallways. That Haku always sat in the back during briefings, the chair next to him that was meant for his Messiah always empty. That he was always eating or drinking something or another, and that Ichijima seemed to ignore all of that. (Then again, that guy probably didn't care as long as it didn't interrupt what he was talking about. Souma's already lost faith as to whether that guy even cares if they're there or not unless he knows they're staying away on purpose to spite him. Prick.)
It's all observations, and he isn't even too sure when he started paying so much attention to it. Isn't he doing the very same thing right now? Rather than finishing his own half-eaten ice cream that's standing in front of him, he's watching Haku eat his own portion.
It's a little stupid, maybe, but he can't just easily ignore it. There's something about Haku's behaviour that vaguely resonates with some of the children he's seen before any of this shit happened. The aloof and avoidant and quiet behaviour even when shunned by others, the way there's something like slight suspicion in his eyes when other people do as much as talk to him. Like he's expecting the other shoe to drop.
He shouldn't care. Haku's not a kid. No matter what it reminds him of, Haku is a grown adult in his own right, so he shouldn't be over here, fussing like some sort of mother hen. He shouldn't be here, dragging out the other guy out of the blue to an ice cream parlor like it's his personal duty.
(He shouldn't give a shit about anything in the Church, he tells himself, so when he finds some way to leave, he can just grab it and never look back.)
But he just can't turn off his feelings that easily. He's seen so many others in this sort of enviroment do it, but he just can't. (He wonders how anyone could, really. Especially to that extent. How rotten would you have to be?) There's only so many times he can notice the other being avoided or him sitting there by himself before he feels like he needs to do.. well, something.
Even if he doesn't know what he can do. Or what he even wants to do. Or whether he should even do something to begin with, but Haku is already three fourth of the way down that dessert and there's no way back.'
And if there isn't one back, then.. well, why not just take the road ahead, even if it might be a stupid decision. If he's come this far, he's not going to let it be for nothing.
It's noticable even now, the other's reaction. Haku head snaps up like a trained animal, almost startled before his look takes on a slightly more aloof quality. The only hint of something else is in his eyes - observant, expectant, like Haku is preparing himself for Souma to jump up and eat him alive. He doesn't even say anything. Passive - that's a good word to describe Haku, Souma thinks.
He nudges a little with his head in the direction of the ice cream, trying to tug the corners of his lips up. Trying to seem reassuring, safe-- there were words for it and theories and lessons and training for his job back in the day, but he never paid much attention to it. These sort of things have to come at least from some sort of natural place or they can tell you're faking it. Kids aren't stupid, so Haku should especially not be, given that he's not even a kid anymore.
(Then again, adults are often a hell of a lot dumber than adults, he's found.)
Haku's gaze slides off a little, losing some of its defensive qualities to instead take on a more avoidant approach. "Yeah."
It's an answer that would in any other situation shut down the conversation entirely. It's almost enough to instinctively frustrate Souma - if there was one thing all of the Church's population as a whole seemed to lack, it was communication skills. But he doesn't blame it on any of them as much as he blames it on the people who try to teach them these things, who try to force them into vulnerable positions socially.
It means he can't give up on this conversation that easily.
"You eat a lot of sweets."
There's another moment, and a small glance from Haku - as if it's weird to notice something like that, even if Souma thinks it would be obvious to anyone with half of a brain.. but then again, how many people did pay attention to Haku's general existence other than to talk about his near-myth as a jinx? - before he replies. "They taste good." Haku stuffs another spoonful of the brightly colored ice cream into his mouth. Souma is pretty sure he's never heard someone answer with answers that are at the same time so aloof, yet seem so carefully worded and thought out. It's like Haku is holding out an arm between the two of them and making sure that Souma stays on the other end of it and not a bit closer.
And although Souma is a person to push in general, he wouldn't in that sort of situation. He couldn't. He doesn't want to fully invade someone's comfort zone, he doesn't want to have his own ideas about what's best for someone when he doesn't know them yet.
But it doesn't mean he can't leave open the opportunity, he thinks. Maybe it's a little rash, but.. well. It wouldn't be the first time he's called that.
The words escape his mouth before he's carefully calculated them the way Haku would have, and the avoidant sides of Haku's face expression disappear entirely for the briefest second. He's completely befuddled - granted, who wouldn't be, suddenly being faced with that question.
But it's exactly the sort of reaction Souma wanted. Not to force Haku to answer, but to grab his attention, to at least make him actually consider his words rather than throwing them away as easily as he seemed to do with the rest. As long as he was right about seeing the tiniest spark of hope in it all, then..
".. Come sit with Haruki and me sometime. He won't mind. Well.. he might ask you to share some of that candy."
(It's only half a joke - Souma is pretty sure that Haruki <i>would</i> be eyeing that candy the whole time, and that he'd be lingering inbetween that "can I ask about this or not" choice while wiggling on his seat and shooting him the kind of glances that spell out SOS.
There's not a lot of fond thoughts he has about Sakura, but he can't deny that there's a few, and that it's entirely about the people and not the piece of shit institution and the way it's ran.)
Amidst all of his befuddlement at least Haku seems to have caught onto that part of what he was saying, since he moves to hold the glass his ice cream came in with both hands, as if Souma is going to take it from him right now. It's probably an instinctive sort of defense mechanism. (That's exactly why Souma can't laugh like he usually might have to make things a little lighter though.)
"H-hey, it's a joke, just a joke! Don't worry, I'm sure he'll survive even without that if he really tries." (Sorry, Haruki, your seat wiggling doesn't go above someone else's comfort.)
He does realise though that Haku might not have an answer right away. He can't fully guess at everything going through the other's head - but that's alright. That's what he can slowly figure out over time. At least a little bit more than this. The rules of Sakura can whine all they want about how you can't be friends with anyone but your Messiah, but Haku doesn't have one - not at the moment. That's fair game, isn't it?
(Not like he'd bother following the rule even if it wasn't.)
But for now, Haku might need time to think about it. Which is why Souma finally grabs his spoon again, starting to dig into his ice cream. It's half molten, forming a sad puddle around the last brave remaining scoop.
But from across the table, Souma can spot some kind of consideration in Haku's expression.
The half-molten ice cream doesn't taste so bad, he thinks.
