Character Questions cont.
[master list]
38. Have they ever had to hurt someone else, physically or mentally, to save themselves or another person? Were they the same after the incident, or did it change them?
Theo:
Having to perform the Cruciatus curse in Dark Arts class on students who'd earned detentions. At first he didn't participate, but being too obvious about not trying earned corporal punishment, and he had a black eye from it for a while. The first person he successfully cast it on was Draco, who spent a solid chunk of the year in Detention; he'd been angry with him for something outside of class and he accidentally (or, he wonders, was it actually an accident?) actually did it. He did feel guilty about it, especially how vindicating it felt for a second.
Theo considers himself an observer, a habitual bystander, not someone who gets involved and certainly not someone who takes a stand on things. That convinced him that he really wasn't going to take part in that anymore, though, and by the end of the year he was drawing unwanted attention for his "inability" (unwillingness) to perform a proper curse.
Draco:
Tasked with assassination, under implied pain of death for himself and his family. There was never any good outcome for him. If he'd done it, it would have messed him up. However, the fact that he couldn't bring himself to do it when he had the chance also fucked him up. It's a source of shame for years afterward. Not that he wants to be a murderer, but his takeaway is that he's too weak and useless to even do what needs to be done protect people he loves.
Then he was forced to torture other Death Eaters for their failures, with the threat of suffering worse torture himself. He learned that it's possible to fuel a Cruciatus off of sheer fear and self-preservation, which is not a proud feeling, and cements his view of himself as a coward. But there was another dimension to it that he was socially adept enough to be painfully aware of - it wasn't just the torture that was the punishment, but that the torture was coming from him. He's so pathetic and useless that being tortured by him was especially demeaning, used as a way to humiliate people. It also drove home that he didn't have (wasn't allowed) any pride, because he'd do that just because he was told to, even knowing what it said about him.
The Muggle hunt he was made to participate in is also relevant. His father got him drunk first so he could handle it and he managed to not have to actually do anything ((subject to change when I actually write it)), but being there made him feel evil. He found out that there's a lot of space between mindlessly parroting rhetoric and actually taking action.
Bluntly, when he was 17 his entire sense of self-worth was destroyed, largely (though not entirely) by this, and it tore him down to just shame, so he could only see himself as useless and powerless and unworthy. He wouldn't really stand up for himself again for years, and continues to not really trust his own abilities. (It also damaged his relationship with his father, about the only one he felt equal with, in that they were both trash, though even then he knows his father is stronger than he is.)
Overall, not good.