Little Morsel #3 — Thou Shalt Not Drag
“In a country where sequins are more regulated than semi-automatics, we’ve finally found the real threat to children: storytelling in heels.”
Welcome to Operation Protect the Children from Sequins — a fictional congressional hearing that feels disturbingly plausible. The chamber is lit like a runway. Politicians in camo suits clutch Bibles and AR-15s. Enter Miss Trigger Happy, drag queen extraordinaire, heels clicking like a countdown.
She takes the mic:
“I’m not here to seduce your children — unless they’re into literacy and sparkle. I’m here to testify that glitter doesn’t kill. Guns do.”
A senator interrupts:
“Jesus wore robes, not rhinestones.”
Another adds:
“If God wanted drag queens to read books, He wouldn’t have invented cable news.”
The hearing devolves into a fashion critique disguised as moral panic. Sequins are declared a national security threat. One congressman proposes mandatory background checks for mascara.
Charlotte’s Web of Lies
Outside, protest signs bloom like satire in spring:
Ban Wigs, Not Weapons
Jesus Wore Robes. You Wear Camouflage. Who’s Performing Now?
Glitter Over Gunpowder
Inside, Miss Trigger Happy reads Charlotte’s Web of Lies to children in bulletproof backpacks. Red laser sights aim at the book, not the gun rack behind her. A senator proposes the Drag-Free Zones Act to protect children from storytelling in heels.
The Closet in Camouflage
Then comes the glitter-encrusted dossier:
Mark Foley, sexting teenage pages
Ralph Shortey, convicted of trafficking boys
Dennis Hastert, hush money for abuse
Ray Holmberg, sentenced for sex tourism with minors
Robert Bauman, caught soliciting a 16-year-old
Miss Trigger Happy pauses:
“You clutch your pearls at drag queens reading Charlotte’s Web, but your own colleagues were writing chapters in Lolita.”
A senator yells:
“This is a smear campaign!”
She replies:
“No, darling. It’s a highlight reel.”
The Gospel According to Gunmetal
So let us kneel — not in reverence, but in recognition.
Let us genuflect before the altar of satire, where sequins outshine sanctimony and storytelling in heels exposes the gospel of hypocrisy.
Let us remember: the louder they preach, the deeper the closet. The more they clutch their Bibles, the tighter they grip their rifles. And the more they fear drag queens, the more they reveal their own costume.
Because in the end, it’s not about protecting children. It’s about protecting power — even when that power wears camo and shame.
Final Reflection
So let’s reframe the question. Do guns kill kids, or do people kill kids? The answer is yes. People with guns kill kids. And while we argue semantics, the body count rises. Other countries studied the problem, reformed their laws, and lowered the numbers — including child deaths. We offer “Thoughts and Prayers” and wait for the next time. And the next. And the next.
If the solution is obvious but politically inconvenient, then the real threat isn’t drag queens.
It’s denial dressed in righteousness.
Well, that is your little morsel for the day. Thank you for reading. Next edition will be: Little Morsel #4 – Make Empathy Great Again.
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