#dramatic mechanics

[eyeofnewtblog]

Things that happen at work:

Me: *finds several horrible jokes, tells them all to Work Child 3 first*

Poor Work Child 4, innocently wandering into the victim range: What are you two giggling about?

Me: dude, dude…let’s one off on him for all five!

WC3: Oooohhh, yes! Okay, okay! You start.

Me: What do you call a fish with one eye?

WC3: Fsh. *he was all dramatic about it so it was mor like “Ffffssshhhh”*

WC4: *closes his eyes, tilts his head back, shoulders drop, screaming dissatisfaction with his body language*

WC3: What’s brown and sticky?

Me: a stick.

WC4: *straightens up, with a look of dawning horror and realization on his face*

Me: Do you know what drag queen story time is?

WC4, hoping that there’s a little light at the end of the tunnel: No???

WC3, grinning because the light at the end of the tunnel is on fire: Nah, it’s where men wear dresses and tell stories to little kids. Now, how is that different from the Catholic Church?

Work Child 2,having wandered over: Oh, that was fucked up.

WC4: *realizes what’s happening, has covered his face to prevent eye roll movements but not realizing that the shoulders are the main giveaways for Exasperation and Disappointment*

Me: Alright, so CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow and Forest Gump are having a conversation, and Jack asks Forest “what is a pirate’s favorite drink?”

And Forest thinks for a while, but eventually says “Hi-C”

And Jack says “No. Rum, Forest. Rum!”

WC3: *dies laughing*

WC2: * walks away chuckling and muttering “yeah ok”*

Me: *runs the fuck away cackling because WC4 started fishing scrap metal out of the pile with the very clear intent to throw*

[eyeofnewtblog]

Mia in my window plants. She had a great day, honestly.

There are birds that nest in the awnings of the front part of our shop. That’s what she’s looking at.

So…I haven’t been given a date on when corporate people are coming, and honestly I’m pretty sure it was just a threat by middle management to get rid of the cat…which, fair, but also…have the balls to tell me to my face.

Don’t say “there needs to be a solution” and then don’t actually provide any specific solutions. I’m sorry but animals and real life don’t actually work the way you demand.

[eyeofnewtblog]

Things that happen at work:

So! We had a visitor today that was in pretty rough shape. Which is always unfortunate, but this guy’s chances are probably not good.

We called animal control and they said it really depends on what’s wrong with him.

But that’s not why we (as in my whole department) are in trouble. With the director of safety and quality assurance. THIS is why we’re getting yelled at on a zoom call tomorrow.

Don’t feed raccoons by hand. Or move them. Or pet them. Like we did.

SUPER DUPER NOT OKIE DOKIE WITH THE SAFETY GUYS.

On the plus side, nobody got bitten or anything. So. Y’know. There’s that.

It really does break my heart that there’s probably not much that can be done for this poor little guy though. Little dude was very thin, young, and not okay.

[eyeofnewtblog]

Things that happen at work:

How many mechanics does it take to kill a wasps nest?

Four. It takes four mechanics to kill a wasps nest. One to spray it with break cleaner, then all four of them panic and run away when that just makes them angry, then about twenty minutes before they remember where the special wasp killing foam is.

Then, all four of them discussing the best angles of spray with the least amount of crawling (nest was under a trailer that hadn’t been used since January) before finally attacking.

The queen was apparently very huge and very angry.

[eyeofnewtblog]

Things that happen at work:

Head Mechanic: *comes up to my desk with an overly complex story about wanting to postpone breaking up with his girlfriend because she booked an Airbnb for a month in January in the Florida Keys*

Me: Who exactly told you this was a good idea?

Head Mechanic: Well, everyone in the shop?

Me: You mean the two twenty year olds and the twenty three year old said to suck it up and be miserable for another two months so that you get a free vacation.

Head Mechanic: Um. Well.

Me: Honey, you’re over thirty, you know for a fact exactly how bad this can go.

Head Mechanic: Well, yeah, but...

Me: *pours all of my disappointment and exasperation into a single glare*

Head Mechanic: But FREE VACATION!!!

Me: Well yeah, if you really want to take romantic advice from people you work with that are literally half your age. I assume you already know it’s an asshat move to begin with.

Head Mechanic: Fuck. *storms away*

Me, to Shop Foreman, who is standing right next to me: When does my raise go into effect, again?

Shop Foreman: *chuckles, hands me invoices, walks away, says absolutely nothing*

[eyeofnewtblog]

Things that happen at work:

Found these beauties on Amazon for $9 (16 of them so 56 cents a pop!)

Organized a coupe with my work children against Head Mechanic where all four of us burst into his office and opened fire. I, being the responsible adult that I am, laughed my ass off and then got back to work.

About half an hour later I hear someone scream “NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE! AUGH!”

Head Mechanic barges back into my office, slams the remaining rubber chickens on my desk, and says “You started this. YOU get to order more safety glasses, and now we have to have ANOTHER training session on wearing proper eye protection in the work place. You owe me lunch!”

This is what he brought back. The rest have been lost to engines and trailers and dark, spider-infested corners.

[eyeofnewtblog]

Things that happen at work:

Head Mechanic, in the saddest voice imaginable: My light is broken and I can’t unbreak it.

Me, turning towards him because I’m thinking that was a metaphor: What happened?

Head Mechanic: *holds up a giant flash light, then cradles it to his chest like a baby and walks away*

[eyeofnewtblog]

Things that happen at work;

Field Mechanic, barging into the office: WHERES MY TRUCK? *doesnt wait for an answer, continues to barrel straight for the shop, comes storming back less than a minute later* THE KIDS HID MY TRUCK! *runs out into the yard*

Shop Foreman: Well, here we go again.

Me: Please tell me this doesn’t end badly.

Shop Foreman: It ends with me being in charge of giving keys back to people so that they can do stuff I actually pay them for.

Field Mechanic, about ten minutes later, to Shop Foreman: Here are the keys to the cart*, I put it over by the materials shed. Also I turned off the AC in the shop. I just got another service call, so I’m heading out right now, but let me know how long it takes them to find it. *power walks away, and Work Child 1 walks in almost immediately after*

Shop Foreman: *hands Work Child 1 the keys to the cart* It’s over by the materials shed.

Work Child 1, who is going to have to walk a half mile to get the cart back to the shop: Fuck!

Me: Also he turned off the AC in the shop.

Work Child 1: Really?!? You know what, next time he’s here, I’m gonna connect his horn to his breaks.

Me: 15 minute rule!

Work Child 1: He’s the one who taught me how to do it, he can get it fixed in under fifteen minutes.

Me: That’s. That’s not comforting. If you guys are going after cars I’m staying completely out of this. But also my roll of industrial plastic wrap is right here under my desk. So. Um.

Work Child 1: Good to know. *walks away*

Me, to Shop Foreman: How long is this going to last?

Shop Foreman: Usually? The longest I’ve seen Field Mechanic go is six weeks.

*its essentially a golf cart with off-road wheels and super-duper suspension, supervisors and directors can check it out to use on big job sites, but mainly the mechanics use it to haul their tools out to the big rigs that get dumped in the yard.