#118 Drills (Tool)
Drills, those massive pointy corkscrews of innovation (and doom). For decades, superheroes (and supervillains) have made use of these majestic tools of progress (and destruction) to make the world a better (more sinkholed) place.
The first time drills popped up on the superhero radar was in 1962 when Drill-Man burrowed out of the ground one day dual wielding cordless drills. He made a name for himself by sneaking into supervillain lairs and dismantling key evil equipment with his piercing wit and piercing drills. Legend has it that he even once took apart an entire evil mansion with only his drills (though more believable reports suggest that the mansion owning villain, Lady Richter, had just caused one of her trademark earthquakes and that that was the true cause of the collapse of her home). With no conclusive evidence one way or the other the official stance of Howtohero remains that Drill-Man is responsible for ending Lady Richter’s reign of terror. Unfortunately, however, the brave hero was lost during the ensuing mansion collapse.
Drill-Man left behind a legacy of drill-wielding superheroes though and to this day you’d be hard-pressed to find a utility belt that didn’t have a drill pocket in it. Drills have been used by superheroes to build useful things on the fly, (out of all of the prefabricated metal and screws they often find lying around super-battlefields) fix damaged equipment in the heat of a battle (because most of the times when supervillains try to damage a hero’s stuff they simply take out a few easily replaceable screws), or even as a weapon in a pinch (that’s barbaric). All in all, a handheld drill is one of the most, you know what I’m just going to say it, it is the most useful thing a superhero can have.
So it stands to reason that the bigger the drill the more good you can accomplish (or evil can be done). Thankfully, in 1984 Drills for Thrills began production on their line of luxury drill tanks (oh this is a sponsored post isn’t it) and they haven’t quit since! Drill tanks are exactly what they sound like! They’re big ass drills on treads that can be driven around by superheroes. These luxury ones have leather seats and the Drills for Thrills premium package comes with diamond studded drill bits! Woo baby check out all that bling! (You know who uses diamond drills? Supervillains. They use them to break diamonds to create more of a manufactured scarcity and drive up prices on the full ones that they steal.)
Superheroes (and supervillains) have made use of drill tanks for a variety of specialized purposes. Drill tanks have been used to bore into the Earth in order to lay the foundations for superhero headquarters. (They’ve been used to destroy random buildings all over the world). They’ve been used to dig sophisticated tunneling systems beneath cities and buildings for superheroes to use for sneaking around undetected. (They’ve been used to dig tunnels to break various high level threats out of prisons and other holding facilities.) They were even used to install vital public infrastructure on the moon for the various colonies that have sprung up there. (They’ve been used in the destruction of several of Jupiter’s moons.) It’s quite clear that without drill tanks the world, and especially the superhero community, would not be where it is today, can you dig it? (I’ll tell you what I can dig, supervillains using drill tanks is what destroyed Earth-dweller/molepeople relations!)
Because drills are widely seen as mankind’s greatest invention many robots or otherwise mechanical lifeforms have incorporated drills into their anatomy. By studying these robots, we have been able to discover even more great uses for drills. (The first drill-robot was called Drillborg 1.0 it was a simple drill attached to a telescoping arm on wheels that went on a rampage and destroyed the entire lab 4 seconds after coming online.) Robots have used drills to build sprawling robot cities, (I’ve studied the work order for Robotropolis and only one drill was used and it was to install plumbing beneath the city. That’s right plumbing. For toilets. Which robots don’t even use!) to mine for the resources they need to fuel themselves (scientists have shown that wind-powered and solar-powered robots are ten times more fuel-efficient and twenty-times less cantankerous!) and even to do battle with one another! (Again, drilling into your enemies’ chests is barbaric and not something we should be celebrating here.)
Drills are so valuable and intrinsic to the world that some species of horrific monsters have actually evolved drill like teeth! (Because who doesn’t love being bored into while being devoured?) These monsters use their gimlet gums to grind their food into a fine paste, no doubt saving themselves dozens in dental bills and preventing countless monster choking related deaths! (So we’re just going to gloss over the fact that 6 times out of 10 the food these monsters are grinding up are people.) Clearly we can learn a lot from these monsters. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if Drills for Thrills announced a new line of drill-dentures very soon. (This is getting dangerously close to insider trading.)
Move over dogs, it’s clear that drills are the true man’s best friend. (Really, we’re choosing to alienate dog people?) Drills are literally the most useful tool to ever grace this great planet and everybody reading this should go out and buy at least six or seven right now. Mention us at checkout to get one (1) free confused look from the cashier! (Ok I checked and this post actually wasn’t even sponsored by Drills for Thrills. We’re just hoping to catch they’re attention so they’ll pay us in the future? That doesn’t even make any sense!) Drills! Drills! Drills! They’re drilly cool! (Oh my goodness.)