last night i went out in this, looking freaking awesome. but i was having the worst dysphoria ever, about everything this body is and feels like and the girly sounds it makes. it made me feel so tired and horrible but a friend invited me out so i pushed myself to go.
meanwhile in my brain, all i can think about is how im coming out on the 11th (that’s in two hours and 20 it so minutes for me) and how im going to lose everyone and no one will love me anymore.
i got fucked up, WASTED, almost immediately. i remember very little, but i do remember this:
breaking down in the girls bathroom. i don’t remember beginning to cry, just that i started and needed a hug so badly and i got a bunch but nothing filled the hole growing inside of me. i was so miserable and depressed, but i made it through work today and have promised myself not to turn to alcoholism to bury my dysphoria for a day. it wasn’t worth it, i don’t feel good about it, but i survived today because of it.
i just wanted to put this here, maybe other trans men (or trans people in general) might relate yk? sometimes the loneliness of being a trans man is so exhausting and hopeless, so i’m trying to scream my authentic existence, the real deal, for those of us who can’t speak out for whatever reasons, and for those this post may find.
