"You gotta drink first though," Karlach ordered, gesturing to the table Astarion was seated at. "'Cause our princess is three sheets to the wind and I'm close behind, but I haven't seen you take a sip all night."
Shadowheart's face brightened, surprised and seemingly pleased by the nickname.
"Oh, well," you chuckled awkwardly, trying to think of a way to brush her off.
"Eh," she vocalized aggressively, narrowing her eyes in false menace to try and intimidate you. "My party, my rules."
"I thought this was our party," Shadowheart teased, but raised an eyebrow back at you as if to back up Karlach's statement.
"I lied. It's for me," she said frankly, shooing you off. "Grab Lae'zel while you're at it."
You folded and nodded, turning with your eyes to your feet to walk over to the wine table. The walk was only a few feet, but it felt like miles because the entire time you could feel Astarion's eyes on you. You sat your bowl down and grabbed the first bottle, attempting to walk right past him, but he clicked his tongue in disapproval. "What?" You asked before you could stop yourself.
"That one tastes like goblin piss." His statement baffled you for a moment, but then a smug little grin and a flicker of an eyebrow across his face let you know he thought he had you then. "This one," he pointed to a stouter bottle, "tastes like goblin blood, which also kind of tastes like piss. But this one only tastes of vinegar, which is much better than piss, I assure you. Not by much, but," he shrugged, offering you the bottle he'd been sipping on.
"You seem to know a lot about what piss tastes like," you muttered, begrudgingly taking it from him.
He let out a loud laugh and it surprised you. "Gods, I suppose when you've lived off the underbelly of society for two hundred years, the runoff all starts to taste the same."
"Then you keep it," you said, handing it back to him.
"No," he shook his head, folding both hands beneath his chin in a calm collectedness. "Between you and I," he murmured, soft enough to draw you into him an inch closer, blanking out your mind and intuition's position to stay back far enough for you to save yourself the pain being near him brought, "the moment our dear princess started yammering about that precious bottle of wine she hid away, I snuck into her tent and took it for myself."
"Astarion," you hissed, pulling away and trying to fight the grin. How easily you forgot to hate him when he spoke.
"Don't worry, I planned to share, if you'd care to make the evening a bit more exciting by sharing it with me."
Your heart walloped and he smiled, knowing. A strange, quick panic filled you and you blurted out your weak defiance. "We'll see."
"Oh," he said, seeming genuinely surprised. "You'll see?"
"Yeah," you shrugged, upending the wine he handed you. You flinched, unable to hide your distorted grimace as the wine choked down your throat. "Gods, that is awful."
"See? I told you," he said matter-of-factly, straightening his shoulders. "Hopefully it's enough to reconsider your distaste for my thievery."
"We'll see," you repeated a little steadier that time, grabbing another bottle and tucking it under your arm before walking away.
"Double fisting, we like," Karlach approved.
"What was this about fisting?" Gale approached, brows furrowed in concern and confusion, making you and Shadowheart burst into laughter.
"What? It's what it's called, right?" Karlach looked between all of your giggling, genuinely confused.
"Yes, yes, among other things," Gale chuckled, smiling at her. "I just wanted to be close to the action. I don't often get to see our heroines in action as I'm usually fighting for my life."
"Alright, fine, but Calypso can't start until she's drank like half of that -" you cut her off with a whine.
"It tastes like piss," you hissed, hoping not to have anyone hear you, you didn't want to come off ungrateful.
"Why do you know what piss tastes like?" Shadowheart giggled, clearly very drunk.
You almost turned to point to Astarion, but you knew the implications of that joke wouldn't be one you could live down, so you rolled your eyes instead. "Fine, give me a second." You upended the bottle and began to chug it, trying not to taste the liquid as it flushed through your body.
"Chug! Chug!" Karlach started chanted, Shadowheart and Gale jumping in, making you start laughing and spit, choking on the wine violently. "Oh shit, chug, not drown, thank you."
You groaned, clutching your chest before laughing freely. "Okay, wait, almost got it -"
"She said half the bottle," Gale tried to clarify, but you just shook your head as you leaned it back, forcing yourself to drink the entire bottle of Astarion's wine before tossing the empty glass to the ground.
"Okay, okay, we can play now."
"Fucking legend," Karlach attested with a slow clap, grabbing the other bottle from your arm swiftly, careful to not burn you, though the heat off of her was instantaneous and consuming. Gods, she was still running hot. "I gotta drink double time, I burn it faster than I can enjoy it. Bottoms up," she cheered the air, upending the bottle and following your lead by emptying the whole thing.
"I hope I looked that cool doing that," you hiccupped, the wine bobbing at the base of your now full stomach.
"Very cool," Gale leaned over to whisper to you assuredly, making you giggle.
"Alright!" Karlach's voice soared wide through her chest, almost booming across the night. "Rules are, no one crosses the line. If you do that, you're a little weak handed baby. Bullseye wins Shadowheart's love and affection for the evening -"
"My wine, you mean," she corrected.
"Sure, sure. Bullseye is that little stain right in the center of that illithids cranium." You narrowed your eyes, barely seeing the pinpoint of a dark smudge. "Otherwise, no fucking rules."
"Easy," you snorted, though you weren't actually confident. You weren't much for accuracy or stealth. It was easy to kill when you focused on ripping bodies apart rather than aiming between the eyes.
"Ah, she's a cocky drunk," Karlach jested, nodding as she cracked her knuckles.
"I'm not drunk yet," you clarified. "I'm only stumbling because my hips got shattered -"
"This morning, you mean -"
"Ah!" You exclaimed a noise loudly to try and get Karlach to stop talking. "No, no I don't mean," you said through your teeth with wide eyes back at her. She just giggled, but the joke was lost on Gale and Shadowheart, though you swore you heard Astarion chuckle.
"Step back, I got a mean swing," Karlach warned as she swept her arms out, making all of you step quickly away to not get burnt by her touch. She grabbed the axe stuck in the log and poised it above her head and behind her shoulders, letting out a war cry as she flung it as hard as she could.
She missed, but the hit was so intense that it sliced right through the scarecrows arm and wedged itself deep into the metal behind it. "My gods," Gale uttered, walking around the log to go and examine how far it had impaled itself.
"I'd love to be thrown by you," Shadowheart murmured, staring at Karlach with glassy, intrigued eyes.
"I would love to throw you," Karlach said excitedly yet completely serious, slowly stressing her words as if she was just thinking the same thing. You started laughing, covering your face as you finally began to feel the stirrings of the alcohol in your mind.
"I thought a goddess was scary, but she has nothing on mortal women." Gale said, slowly backing away from the strike zone for fear we wouldn't wait for him to clear it. "It may also be a good time to tell you I enchanted the wine."
"Aw fuck yeah Gale. If I could, I'd kiss you right now." Karlach was not at all opposed to his tampering, and despite you and Shadowheart's gaping mouths, you knew neither of you were either.
So that's why it tastes like piss.
Astarion's voice in your mind startled you silent. You took a wicked quick look at him over your shoulder and he just cocked his head back to you.
You pushed back. Get out of my head.
Oh, but you're so far away.
Then get your ass up and enjoy the party.
Oh, he sounded a little less enthralled, but you're so far away.
You shook your head, turning your attention back to the others. Shadowheart grabbed her mace, wobbling for a moment and the three of you cleared out further for her than you did Karlach.
"Ten gold says she drops it on her foot," Karlach hissed, far too loudly for it to be as quiet as she intended.
"Ten gold says I beat all of you and get to keep my wine and affection to myself." Shadowheart sneered back, her eyes haphazardly narrow and heavy to be wielding a weapon.
"Thought the affection was off the table," you teased. "I'll try harder knowing it's back on."
"We bathed naked together this afternoon, I was literally right there. You missed your chance." She joked back, giving you a teasing glare.
You half expected a snarky comment from Astarion within your mind, but he didn't seem to have a retort to that one and you didn't turn to look and see why.
"I am missing out on a lot of fun being of the male variety, aren't I?" Gale murmured, making Shadowheart break her faux hostility and drop the mace back to the ground, not letting go so it pulled her over with it as she laughed.
"Yeah mate, got an enchantment for that?" Karlach choked through her own laughter.
"Um, no," he said slowly. "Well, actually -"
"No, Gale," Shadowheart almost screamed, making you clutch your mouth as you tried to hold back your obnoxious laughter.
You were now crying, watching Shadowheart fall apart to the alcohol and Gale's innocent musings. You tried to grapple her back up, but she was dead, heaving weight against your fuzzy fingers and you fell backwards too, yelping as the pain shot through your legs. You flopped to your back in defeat, covering your face with both hands now as both Karlach and Shadowheart were pointing and laughing.
"Ow," you groaned through joyful sobs, "don't laugh at me. It hurts."
"Oh shut it, we get it, you almost died," she mocked, sloppily wiggling herself around before she slapped your stomach, sending a wash of healing through your body.
"Ow! It doesn't help if you literally hit me with it," you gawped at her, but then you paused, wiggling your lower half. "Shit, actually it does."
"I know, no pain no gain babes," she said as she stumbled upright, grabbing her mace once more.
"I may have over enchanted," Gale whispered to himself as he tried to quickly haul you up from beneath Shadowheart's legs, likely afraid she'd drop her mace again and this time right on you. You tripped through the heavy layers of your skirt and ended up throwing your arms around his shoulders to keep from falling again. "Don't you worry, I've got you," he chuckled, wrapping his around your waist.
You giggled, watching the blush across his cheeks as you pulled back and just stared at him, absolutely zero inhibitions tangible to your mind. "You always do," you said teasingly, but the closeness of your faces made it feel far more intimate than you meant it.
"Hey," Shadowheart said sharply, pulling you away from your strange moment. "We're battling for my affection, not Gale's."
"No battle here," Gale quipped.
"So wine's completely off the table," you said with a wicked grin, untangling yourself from Gale but staying close enough for your shoulders to brush.
"Yes. And I'm on it," she shrugged.
"Gods, I thought I was fucking desperate -"
Shadowheart huffed loudly at Karlach's comment, wasting not a moment more before she flung her mace with wild fury, managing to clip right in the stuffed illithid's nether regions. "Fuck!" She shouted with the stomp of her foot.
"That's a win in my book," you snorted.
"You're all truly terrifying," Gale said, taking a sidestep from you.
The three of you cackled in unison, louder and by far the most obnoxious people of the evening, but your heart was soaring. "Please, please, you have to bring us more alcohol," you begged him, grabbing the collar of his night robes with the biggest eyes you could muster.
"Are you sure?" He asked, though he couldn't help but grin down at you. "I think you'll feel quite terrible in the morning if you drink any more. The enchantment was meant to make the wine stretch a bit further, not be consumed faster -"
"More, Gale, now!" Karlach roared.
"Quite alright," he said, his face blanching as he untangled your hands from his chest as you dissolved into another fit of giggles. When your eyes followed him, you realized Astarion was gone. You blinked, your laughter petering out as you looked for him.
You didn't mean to, but your mind reached out for him. Where'd you go?
Silence returned to you.
"Here, but I must encourage you three that this should be the last of it you drink," he said, passing each of you a bottle. Shadowheart and Karlach upended the wine bottles and in your drunken stupor, you suddenly felt left out and followed their lead. "Gods, pace yourselves!" Gale chastised.
"Pacing is for losers," Karlach gasped, breaking from her chug to give him a pointed look.
"Of which the two of you are," he said quickly to her and Shadowheart. "Now please win this so you all don't drink yourself to death," he begged you now, his eyes round in a playful seriousness.
You giggled passed the lip of the bottle, the hot wine sloshing through your insides, but you let yourself stop about halfway through it. "Fine. I'll finish it," you shrugged, putting the bottle down. You looked around then for a weapon, realizing you, as usual, didn't fucking have one.
"Oh, don't worry, mate, I've got -" But as Karlach went to go grab her axe, you grabbed an empty wine bottle and struck the butt of it against the log, leaving it jagged and broken on one end. "Or that works too."
"I've got this," you cooed again, shaking your arms and legs as you propped the cane against the log. You poised yourself, closing one eye in hopes of that giving you a clearer vision of the illithid figure, though it most certainly didn't. You pulled your arm back, using your other one to direct your eyes forward, pointing right to the spot in the center of it's mishappen face and chucked it as hard as you could with a battle cry.
It struck the chest, shattering it against the metal stake it was formed around, shaking the entire crude sculpture. "Fuck, I didn't have it. What do we do now? Who will bed Shadowheart?"
"Go again?" Karlach suggested with a raised brow.
"Yes, we fight for me once more," Shadowheart nodded stoically.
Suddenly, you felt the wind off an impossibly fast arrow slicing through the air and watched in shock as it struck right into the bullseye.
"Holy hells!" You shouted, wildly looking about for the culprit. Several feet back, Lae'zel stood behind her bow.
Shadowheart blinked rapidly, her nose doing that funny little scrunch she never seemed to notice she did.
"Shit, we have a winner!" Karlach bellowed, raising her arms up high in the air like she was announcing the birth of a king.
"What is my prize?" Lae'zel asked smoothly, lowering her weapon as she sauntered over.
You gave Shadowheart a quick, shit-eating grin before you turned back to Lae'zel. "Shadow-"
"Wine," she blurted quickly, face red in surprise before she shook the look from her face. "Wine, you win wine."
****
more tiefling celebration fun in Chapter 14 of Despite Everything. Singing, dancing, Lae'zel catches a fish with her teeth like that one meme, durgestarion smut at the end, and all that good stuff.
