dspsposts' Story Time
Hello, for the people who might be reading this. This is not that important and basically just a trauma dumping trash that I'd like to share because I'm annoying like that, hehe. This is also for my bigger audience on my Youtube channel (hey, you, if you're reading, welcome to my blog) because I'd also like to share my story with those of you who are interested.
I got into reading and writing when I was in 7th grade. English is not my first language, but I grew up with the English language being lowkey shoved down my throat. However, it was enjoyable enough since I grew up watching English Youtubers who, well, speak English and I adopted the way they speak, maybe also their accent and stuff, so yeah, a little bit out of topic but I just wanted to get that out of the way.
I was always interested in writing, because as a kid, I wanted to write my own songs, I liked to sing and write random stuff in my collection of notebooks. Then, in 2016/2017, I was introduced to the world of fanfiction shortly after I stanned BTS. I read a lot of them, I scoured the internet to get the goodness of those heavenly writings by talented writers who are generous enough to bless us all with their writing prowess.
Along the way, I got the ambition and desire to start my own blog, create my own Youtube channel, and have an audience, just like them! And I did! I had an audience and I loved every second of it. I adore the friends I made, the support, the comments, and just the everything. I loved it, and I still love it. Sometimes, I just want to cry just thinking back about it.
My Youtube channel was where my audience was the biggest, so it was the platform I was mainly focusing on. Writing and editing those videos were a lot of fun, I like to make them, watch them myself, and wait for people's reactions when I upload them. Yet, it all had to come to an end when all I felt was not excitement anymore. Just dread, just negative feelings whenever I want to follow through my plans.
I have seen it happen with other authors where they feel the burden of having people's expectations on them as a fanfiction writer. Honestly, maybe I was at that stage too when I stopped having fun writing and creating stories and videos. Not only that I stopped writing, I also stopped reading altogether, and it was a shame because reading was my biggest passion ever. It was the thing I enjoyed the most in my life, and I wish I had continued loving to do it until now.
Whenever I tried to pick up on reading, I always felt a sense of dread, like I just want to do anything else but to read. It felt like the worst thing ever. I know it has to do with my not-so healthy coping mechanism where I just avoid the things that make me feel bad. I avoid reading because I had associated reading with the negative feelings I got from not creating stories and uploading videos. I'm still sad thinking about it because I also drifted apart from being an army and also moa.
However, recently, I vented about all of this to my best friend, I don't know why I didn't do it sooner, because shortly after I let it all out, I found myself having fun reading the old fanfiction I used to read in the past. Some are still available on the internet, but some authors have deactivated and their works are not available anymore for me to read. Then, I have also begun to write again on my other platform, and also felt inspired to continue "Miles", a fanfiction I planned for Beomgyu before I went into long hiatus a few years back.
It's important to note though, that I haven't fully recovered from those bad feelings and I feel very prone to just relapse and potentially lose reading as my hobby again. I'm not making a full comeback, especially not on Youtube. Reading has been really fun as well as writing. I'm trying to just do it in my own pace, and I want to have fun because as one of my favorite authors on Tumblr said too that writing is supposed to be fun! I do believe that too! I really don't want to stop :(
I don't know how much I've changed in the span of the time where I've been away from all this, but I have. I have changed. I'm totally a different person now from I was before, and I don't remember how much or what I've disclosed to you guys, and I would like not to know (I'm embarrassed) :^).
I will try my best to finish it but I will try harder to have fun while doing so!
That's it from me! And hey, if you happened to have experienced similar situation, feel free to share your story! Or share your thoughts about my sob story, hehe.
See you when I see you! <3
