Rouxls glanced down at the round dumpling in his hands (Lancer). He could not tell why sudden thoughts took over his mind at this peaceful hour. But the longer silence lingered, the more of those thoughts arose inside.
“He really grew.” Or “Were I actually a good Vice Fathere?” Or: “Do you actually deserve to hold this child in your hands?”
Rouxls remembers how much he used to despise Lancer when he was first assigned to the Castle. How much of a nuisance the little one was to him and he remembered it so vividly: how he called the boy such mean names. He’d call him a water beetle, a silly worm, a yellow beak.
What.? Those words weren’t mean? Even if so, Rouxls will only remember those nicknames as evil in his book.
The more attached Rouxls became, the more hateful he felt towards himself for every small thing he had said or done to Lancer in the past. It almost felt like a cruel irony of fate, for he knew that his old self never would have expected to care for the child in the end. And although current Rouxls and past Rouxls are the same person, the current Rules Card feels that none of his feelings match anything that the past Rouxls once was. Some would say that Rouxls grew as a character but the reality of things was different. He never became “better”. Rouxls may have just experienced some fundamental change in his heart, - nothing more , nothing less. And the biggest part of said “change” - was his attitude toward Lancer.
As he stared at Lancer, he felt something deep, dark and heavy cloud his chest. A feeling that is hard to describe in one word. He was supposed to feel relieved when the child is safe and sound in his arms - fast asleep - yet he feels a strange sense of uneasiness and anxiety. Rouxls knows it comes not of his hatred to Lancer - he does not hate the boy - but rather of his care toward him. Why is the feeling that is supposed to be soothing and warming, is so dark and upsetting?
And then Rouxls starts to understand why.
He is afraid of losing the child.
It is strange.. Lancer is right here, yet Rouxls feels so much terror deep inside - as though Lancer may evaporate at any moment. The more he thinks, the more catastrophic scenarios he sees in his mind - equally dumb scenarios, yet Rouxls believes them all as much as he believes Lancer is blue. Kaard was never the smartest in the deck but he was no complete fool either. However, when it came to losing something (or in this case - someone), he was one of the first to succumb to believing anything.
Adults must never succumb to fear. When it comes to children, the adult must be indestructible. Rouxls was never the type to display a reasonable amount of confidence - for he had far too much of it for his own good - but among children it is better to be overconfident than insecure.
To adults, children are beings in need of protection.
To children, adults owe protection.
To adults, children don’t need to prove anything.
To children, adults must prove they are worthy of trust.
To children, adults must show loyalty til the end.
To adults, children don’t need to be attached forever.
Rouxls knew it all. He knew that Lancer owes him virtually nothing. Yet he could not help but find it unfair, deep down in his heart, that Lancer could leave at any moment, once the boy gets bored. But there is nothing he could do about it. There was nothing he should do about it. Rouxls understands that the only reason Lancer adores him is because the boy is still too young. In fact, Rouxls knew, deep down, that Lancer will grow up one day and he will see through all the lies and neglect the Rules Card has put him through. And Rouxls will not blame him for leaving.
The choice never belonged to Rouxls in the first place.
It was Lancer’s all along. And Rouxls dares never take it away from him. Not by force, not by pleading. Not by hinting. Rouxls must never show any ounce of doubt that may cloud Lancer’s decisions.
Only when Rouxls made sure that Lancer was asleep, he said quietly:
