I have a love dilemma...
So long story short, I’ve fallen in love with one of my classmates from the theatre institute where I’m studying since last year.
And I don’t mean like a “highschool crush”, what I’m feeling is real love. And I guess is the first time I’ve ever felt romantic love. Or at least, that deep. This guy (I’ll name him Dylan to protect his identidy) I known him since last year and I had started to develop feelings for him at the beggining of March when we started classes this year.
Is funny, ‘cause in 2021, when we started in the institute in Zoom, Dylan appeared as a very closed up or closed off person. He had trouble to open up to us the entire year. And when we came back into presential classes, at the end of the first semester, there was still something about him that it was a bit off. It also seemed he didn’t put enough effort to the works we were doing.
Maybe it was because he was very shy. I’m a very shy person too but I had a more easy time to open up with the rest of the class than him with time. But again, that’s not at all his fault, not everyone opens up at the same speed as others.
What’s more, there were false rumors about him bothering my other female classmates, classmates who subsequently left the institute, but for other personal reasons. Then I figured out that there were just misunderstandings and nothing bad happened.
Other moment when I realized I was developing feelings for Dylan is when we made our dancing class final exam alone together last November when we both danced an Evita the musical song. And it whent great! But also I felt a different connection with him, a sweet closeness.
Anyway, I realized how sweet, fun, funny and handsome Dylan is with the time, specially when I saw him acting. I still remember how he portrayed Proctor when we did The Crucible last year. I melted a little there not gonna lie. And when he temporarly played Creon in Brecht’s Antigone for a small group project, I was thinkig to myself when I saw him: “Oh, que hombre...” lol.
But two days ago, when we did our final project for the semester for physic theatre subject, I saw him givin a kiss in the lips to another classmate, Rebecca. I don’t know if they’re officially a couple or they were just playing around, but the image alone broke my heart. Internally I felt like I deserved it ‘cause I didn’t gave him the benefit of the doubt last year and I know he knows that there was tension around him around that time, but fotunately everything was cleared up.
Still, I feel he felt distance coming from me or that perhaps he felt I ignored him in some moments and maybe he is holding a grudge with me. I don’t know, that’s what I’m thinking. Maybe I’m exaggerating.
But honestly, now I feel depressed with this, I still don’t know if he and Rebecca have a relationship, I’ll comfirm it tomorrow. I feel guilty because I’m in love with somone who’s supposedly taken and I cannot even enjoy what I’m feeling for him because of it. I genuinely feel sad and I don’t know what to do. Should I pretend that I’ve never fell in love with him and just get over it? Being like rock that doesn’t feel anything so I won’t feel pain?
He doesn’t know at all what I feel for him and I don’t know if I ever get the courage to tell him in the future...
I guess, just to add some levity to the matter, I feel like Colette in my headcanon would’ve felt when she fell in love whith Holt. She first looked down on him, believing he’s not a big deal, not that interesting. Just a regular peasant. But in the end she saw what a wonderful man Holt is, and both fell for the other.