#e.rose.txt

[deromanus]

the university where I did my master's degree was looking for art history professors and my former thesis advisor is the program director, but I was scared to apply because idk I'm very sensitive to rejection lately and felt like if I didn't get hired I'd spiral BUT I ended up reaching out to him and he didn't even ask me to apply he was like "oh you're interested? Perfect! You're hired. You can teach all 3 courses we're hiring for if you want." So that was nice. A little bit of a confidence boost. It's just another adjunct position but I know I'll enjoy it.

[deromanus]

I thought I'd really briefly share some pics of my baby since I posted a bit about the pregnancy on here... her name is Rowan and she is just about 3 months old now. I won't post pics going forward because I am pretty against parents sharing images of children online but this is a very small audience here and she's just. so. cute!! anyway. I was just thinking about how unique of a social media platform this is, how i've been here since I was 15 (I made my account after my only friend in my sophomore year of high school begged me to so we could stalk an older girl with a hipster blog she had a huge crush on...), and now I'm 30 and I'm a legitimate (albeit junior) professor, I have friends and an incredible partner, I'm brave enough to be covered in tattoos and wear whatever I want and not care what people think, and I have a daughter!! what the hell!! I know my deeply shy, unhappy, and mentally unwell 15-yo self would be so amazed and impressed to see what my life is like now. sometimes I feel like this whole blog is a love letter to my childhood/teenage self, just assuring her that life gets soooo much better and it's absolutely worth sticking it out. and I genuinely hope that I'm still here in another 15 years when I'll be 45 and have a teenager of my own ❤️

[deromanus]

dragged my extremely normal husband with me to see nosferatu - definitely not his kind of thing, but he is a good man who is willing to indulge his pregnant wife and take her to the gothic romance monsterfucker movie

he liked it; I loved it, as I expected I would. on the way out I told him I thought it was about the horror of "what if you saw a really scary monster? but then even worse, what if your freak of a wife was into it? how far would you go to make her happy? would you let her fuck the dead guy if it was what she really really wanted?"

and he was like "I didn't get that at all I thought it was about like victorian sexual repression and the horror of death"

like yeah I bet thomas thought that too. life imitates art, you know?

[deromanus]

god i always knew that a cat's meow sounds kind of like a baby crying but oh my god it's so uncanny. like the baby isn't even in the house and i keeping hearing one the cats meowing downstairs (because he wants someone to open the front door and let him outside. never once in his life has this worked but it doesn't prevent him from trying), and every time it sends me into a brief panic. from a short distance it sounds exactly like a fussy baby. this is a form of psychological torture cats have apparently developed to manipulate humans. i'll never know peace again.

[deromanus]

cw for talk about death and pregnancy (but UNRELATED my baby is fine rest assured)

my grandpa who I was really close with died last night. I was literally the last person in my (very small) family to find out because they knew I'd be upset and everyone was worried about my "delicate condition" lol (as if I might spontaneously miscarry at 8 months pregnant because I got too sad. I guess it's possible but unlikely). It also wasn't unexpected. He'd been very sick for a couple of weeks. I did get to say goodbye and he recorded a video talking to my daughter. It just sucks so much. He was SO excited to meet his great-granddaughter. I'll never forget how ecstatic he was when I showed him the 3D ultrasound images a week ago. That's the hardest part for me. Just one more month and he could have met her, although even then it wouldn't have been in person. I won't go to the funeral because I live on the other side of the country right now and it's too risky to fly so close to my due date. you also can't travel with a newborn for 2-3 months, until they have all their vaccines. the timing is just shitty.

it just feels bad. and very unreal. he loved afternoon tea. he'd traveled all over the world. he was an air force vet and a high school math teacher. he donated blood every month for 30+ years and he volunteered with an organization that protects sea turtle nests on the beach. when I was six we planted some seeds from a poinciana tree in his yard together and now that tree is 50 ft tall growing in my parents' backyard and it blooms with the most beautiful red flowers. he and grandma were together for over 60 years. ugh. life is hard.

[deromanus]

man I have a pretty high pain tolerance but what I do NOT tolerate well is nausea or any kind of gastrointestinal discomfort really. nausea completely incapacitates me, I don't know why. I'm not even emetophobic I don't care about vomiting (it's usually a welcome thing because then I'm not nauseous anymore lol). I really don't understand it. if I'm nauseous it's all I can think about and I literally cannot function.

being pregnant that was a big problem for the first 5 months (thank god for prescription anti-emetics) but now it's the most horrible and hellish acid reflux that you could possibly imagine. like it doesn't really hurt but it is SO uncomfortable it almost incites me to violence. and it's constant because medications don't actually seem to help. it's from a combination of my stomach being squashed and the insanely high dosage of iron supplements (which are, like, biblically evil and I think designed as some kind of insidious torture devices to punish anemic people) that I am required to take. I've lost weight in the last few weeks which is obviously not ideal.

I know I'm being dramatic but no one's perfect and I'm allowed to complain as much as I want for the next 5-6 weeks before this baby is born. I don't want anyone's help or anything I just want to be grumpy and complain. my family understands this for the most part I think but like my aunt keeps trying to give me advice "have you tried eating saltines?" of course I've tried fucking saltines they're bullshit even drinking water triggers it. ridiculous. just listen to me whine and offer occasional faint noises of empathy. that's all I need. and ice cream. ice cream is the only thing that helps a little.

that said if anyone has any unique and creative advice for dealing with it I am willing to listen lol

[deromanus]

not a pregnancy fetish blog somehow finding the untagged post I made about being pregnant and liking and following me 😭 you can't have anything on tumblr. idk if they were hoping for pics or what. so creepy. blocked obviously lol. like this is my personal blog which I've had for literally 14 years (since I was 15!!! almost half my life!!) and sometimes I post about my life experiences here. don't love the idea of random people getting off on that lol. it's the internet though don't know why I would expect anything different.

anyway. for those who care for normal reasons I'm about five months along now and I am having a little girl, I can't wait to meet her <3 and because none of my friends or siblings have kids this baby is going to be so so spoiled by a whole squad of aunts, uncles, and nonbinary auncles? unts? (don't love that...) and we are all so excited lol

[deromanus]

so anyway I found out a week ago that I'm pregnant which was not intentional or planned at all but here we are.... and since morning sickness is kicking my ass into the twelfth dimension I've been laying in bed watching a lot of horror movies.... and I just want to put it out into the world that if this baby turns out to be some kind of demonic horror I won't even be upset about it. I'd love that actually. Or if it's like a horrible animal human hybrid because a dog looked at me weird or whatever I'll be into it. I'm not like other pregnant horror movie protagonists I'm different