Many stereotypes are regularly applied to humans. Some of these are wildly unfounded, but some are, admittedly, accurate and well-earned. One such stereotype I’d like to address in this report is how humans are considered to be thrill seekers, brave in the face of danger to the point of recklessness. While this is not always true for every human or in every situation, I feel I can confirm the validity of this belief, most especially when the lives of others are “on the line” (see report 0005 for euphemisms and idioms)
There are many examples I could give to back up my stance, many of which I will address in future reports. But as for this entry, I would like to present my findings on an enthusiastic community of humans who call themselves “Storm Chasers.”
By simple definition, storm chasers are humans who actively watch for powerful storms and make a great effort to intercept or otherwise be present during them. Storm chasers are famously associated with tornadoes, but can also chase cyclones, blizzards, ice storms, and other weather phenomena (see Earth Report 0002 for reference about types of Earth weather)
At first glance, this may seem like undue dangerous behaviour from the humans. However, there is a good reason these “chasers” seek out the storms. As summarized in Report 0002, Earth can at times be a frightening world to call home. Those who live on planets not categorized on the “Death World” scale might struggle to grasp the utter helplessness one can feel when faced with uncaring, unstoppable natural forces. There is no reasoning with them. There is no stopping them. There is no way to dodge their effects.
You can, however, prepare. And when it comes to Earth’s terrifying storms, that’s where storm chasers come in.
In my research efforts, I was able to ride along with a storm chaser by the name of Jack Mercer. Jack allowed me to accompany him during an outing in a stretch of land colloquially called “Tornado Alley.” To say I was nervous about going would be a gross understatement. I knew I was possibly risking my life in the name of research.
My worries were lessened slightly when Jack gave me a tour of his specialized storm chasing vehicle. It was a heavy-duty truck (see report 0003 about common means of transportation) outfitted with steel armor, bulletproof glass, a rather impressive hydraulic system, satellite sensors, a rocket launcher, and my personal favorite: safety harnesses.
My worries were right back and strong as ever when we saw our first funnel cloud. It did not make contact with the ground and thus couldn’t officially be considered a tornado, but Jack tracked its movements closely as there was a small cluster of homes near its projected path. The power of the wind was impressive, but thankfully, the truck powered through, seemingly unbothered, as Jack collected and recorded data.
The next funnel did touch down, and all my worries from before seemed very justified. It was truly stunning and terrifying how much devastation the tornado was capable of. Trees were torn up from the roots, buildings were ripped apart, debris of all shapes and sizes was spun around, and launched out of sight. All by the wind. Wind like I had never seen before, and would not believe possible on a habitable planet if I had not seen it with my own eyes.
Jack assured me the area had, thankfully, been previously evacuated. Why humans would choose to live where these conditions are common is something I suppose is my job to find out. When it was clear we would intercept the tornado's path, Jack lowered the truck as far as it would go and deployed hydraulic spikes to anchor us to the ground. He was able to deploy instrument pods to collect data from within the vortex itself, with us in the truck.
Before I knew it, but also after, it felt like an eternity at the same time, the tornado passed by, shrunk, and dissipated. We survived.
At this point, the question many may wonder is why? Chasers have been killed by the very storms they pursue. Why would Jack and so many other humans put themselves in such a dangerous situation? The answer: because they hope to make the storms less dangerous. As I stated before, natural forces such as these cannot be stopped, but they can be prepared for. The data Jack and other storm chasers collect is vital for accurate weather forecasting and warnings. Because of the work of past storm chasers, meteorologists can better predict the dangerous conditions, and evacuations are made beforehand. Lives are saved.
What was surprising to me to learn later was that Jack, as well as most storm chasers, is not a professional. They do not get paid to risk their lives for retrieving this vital storm information. There are a scarce few that can make a career out of storm chasing through recordings, tourism, or academia, but the vast majority of them chase storms as a hobby! A hobby! Most humans have hobbies like sports, art, music, blowing things up, or puzzles. But chasing the deadly elements of their home world?!
Again, why? Answering that question is, in part, why I am compiling this report. Humans are wildly varied and full of surprises. It is good that they have a few who seek the thrill of hunting the dangerous. Their bravery while facing down the unforgiving forces of their home world and of worlds beyond saves lives.
As part of the medical and health-related topics in this section of reports, I would like to make a special report on the topic of cardiopulmonary resuscitation. I’ve covered several “first aid” topics in previous reports, and will likely cover more soon as I continue to study humans, but this particular technique stood out to me in a way that I knew I had to make a report dedicated solely to it.
Cardiopulmonary resuscitation, or CPR for short, is an emergency technique that can be performed on a human whose heart has stopped beating. Such a condition can be lethal for humans as they only have one centralized heart.
The human heart is a fascinating organ. While strategically contracting and releasing different valves on average over 100,000 times a day, the human heart pumps nearly 3 solaric fluid plinks of blood every mentik. It is, without a doubt, made of some of the most tireless muslce tissue I've ever heard of. Historically, heart problems and diseases are the leading cause of death for humans. I realize that may surprise many. Out of all the crazy things humans do, get into, eat, etc. it’s their own vital organs that most often “do them in,” (a common human euphemism about death. See Report 0005 for more about euphemisms and idioms.)
When a human’s heart stops beating, they enter what’s known as “cardiac arrest.” In such a state, their heart cannot pump blood to the rest of the body. For those who know even the basics about human anatomy, it is easy to see just how dangerous and life-threatening this is in only a matter of minutes.
In an effort to save the lives of others, humans of all ages and backgrounds are commonly given basic training in CPR. After ensuring trained professionals are alerted to the medical emergency at hand, checking for a pulse (or lack of), and making sure the afflicted human is flat on their back, the human administering CPR stacks their hands, fingers laced, on the sternum of the afflicted human and administers hand compressions with the sturdy base of their palms.
I’ve attended a training on CPR. The instructor demonstrated how to perform it on a replica human torso made out of rubber and plastic that they call a “dummy.”
If you are even remotely aware of how strong a human can be, you might have some idea of the shock I felt when the instructor told the class to use as much of their body weight as they could to compress the afflicted human’s chest at a depth of nearly 1-2 inches (7 solaric micronills)!
What this means is that the human administering CPR is pushing so hard that they are basically trying to squish the non-beating heart in a pulsing pattern to replicate its natural pumping action and get the heart itself to start beating again on its own.
And it’s not just that either. You have to remember that the heart, being a vital organ, is safely encased in the human’s ribcage. Does this stop them? Absolutely not. In fact, the instructor clearly stated that while performing CPR, if you hear a bone snap or crack, keep going. To quote her, “It’s better to have a broken rib and be alive than no broken bones and be dead.”
Of course, the instructor also gave advice on how to try to avoid fracturing the sternum or ribs, but said that due to the nature of CPR, it happens about 30% of the time.
Beyond beating the heart back to life, CPR also includes forcing air into the afflicted human’s lungs. This happens much less frequently than compressions, and it involves the administering human to get air into the afflicted’s lungs the only way they have available - from their own lungs. They pinch the other’s human’s nose shut, seal their lips over theirs and blow. Those familiar with human displays of affection (see report 0010) may mistake this as a “kiss,” and while it is sometimes called “the kiss of life,” it is far from affectionate in any way. If anything, one might say it is more of a battle, if the opponent of their battle were death itself.
They follow up with more heart compressions and repeat the pattern until emergency medical professionals arrive.
At the end of the demonstration I attended, the instructor commented on the speed of the compressions needed. She referenced two songs, which many in the class began humming to themselves immediately and continued to do so after class. One, I thought was in poor taste, entitled “Another One Bites the Dust.” For those unfamiliar with human idioms (again, see Report 0005) to bite the dust means to die. Seeing as that is the complete opposite outcome hoped for with CPR, I preferred the title of the other song, “Staying Alive.”
She instructed that those administering CPR should perform chest compressions to the beat of one of those songs, hoping that indeed, their fellow human would be “staying alive.”
May the stars above forbid that a human ever tries to perform CPR on me, (or that I'd ever be in a situation where I was incapacitated enough to look like I needed it). Though I think that would be a quick way to go. Thankfully, they do have specialized CPR procedures for their small children and infants, as well as pets and various animals. They all typically involve a lot less... bone-crunching heart squishes.
The prompt idea for this story brought to you from Nugget7 on Ao3
Also, these "Earth Reports" are not in order (obviously) I just kind of write them and add numbers and reference others that I may or may not have even written yet
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To wrap up Reports 0066-0070 on “camping,” I’d like to use this report to transition from said topic to ones of more medical natures. Starting with a disease that can ofttimes plague human organs called the pancreas.
This all began, again, when Human Whitney invited me to go camping with her and her friends and family. After arriving and setting up camp (see Report 66 on the strange dwellings used for camping and my thoughts on them), a fire was started and meals that had been previously prepared and wrapped in aluminum foil were taken out and placed next to the fire and in the hot coals. They had even made one for me, which was very kind. It was a simple meal, the only alterations needed for my safety was the exclusion of the root vegetable known as onions. Whitney had even made a mark on the outside of my meal to indicate it was specifically for me.
I noticed that Human Mary also had a mark on the exterior of her meal wrappings, and upon my asking, I was told it was because her meal didn’t include the same soup-sauce that was in the other meals and had fewer of the root vegetables called potatoes. I gave it no further thought at the moment, after all, humans preferred tastes vary greatly from individual to individual. (See Report 0014)
However, after the meals were done cooking, I also noticed that Mary did not partake in any of the fizzy canned beverages. Again, I thought to pass this off as a personal preference until Human Ammon asked about it, inquiring if she wanted a different flavor they had available or if she wanted something non-caffeinated. (See Report about caffeine in Report 0028)
The discussion around the campfire turned to a discussion of health and these sodas, especially after Mary stated that she usually doesn’t drink them, and when she does, they’re usually the “diet” varieties. After many other humans giving input to such beverage selections and health impacts, Mary explained that the reason behind her beverage selection was because she has “Type 1 diabetes.” That seemed to clear things up for many of the humans, who “ahh”-ed or nodded in understanding.
Before the conversation could wander off, I questioned what this “diabetes” was and what having the first type of it meant. Human Mary took a small device out of her pocket that had a wire running up her shirt. She showed me that the wires actually went INSIDE her!
Honestly, I’m surprised at how well I was able to soak up the information she told me about her disease while I was in such a state of shock.
Please note here that my collection of Earth Reports is to focus largely on a more anthropological take on human and Earth life and cultures. There are plenty others who are compiling deeper research into human biology and medicine, and they are much more qualified to do so than I. That being said, I have taken upon myself to learn the basics of human biology, as it does play a large part in understanding many aspects of day to day life on Earth.
What I was told, and what I have since learned is that the disease known as diabetes is when the pancreas organ slows or even ceases functioning. The pancreas creates a hormone called insulin, which helps the human body regulate glucose levels in their blood. Without the hormone being created, those levels can fluctuate and must be manually regulated by the human in question, or through the use of devices like the one attached to Mary’s body. Without the insulin pump, as it is called, her blood sugar would fluctuate dangerously and could kill her.
With this new discovery as a catalyst, I now wish to focus the next section of my reports on human health and biology as it relates to my own field of study. I have come across humans in the past who were missing limbs and had replaced them with outside tools and gadgets. It is also known that humans are capable of donating various organs, bodily fluids and material post-mortem as well as while still being alive. And, well, apparently they can also replace body parts with machines that may or may not even have to be inside their bodies.
Humans are weird, yes. Understanding them so as to better help the galaxy interact with them has been my goal with these reports. With this and upcoming reports, I would like to further add that humans are very tenacious. They will not allow themselves to be stopped in the progression of their lives, even if it is their own bodies that are trying to impede them. They find a way through or around their obstacles, adapting, tinkering, and doing their best to defy even death itself.
To preface this report, Human Aaron invited me to share an evening meal with him and his family. I was quite excited, this is, as far as I have thus far studied, an important meal and their willingness to share it with me indicates that they have pack-bonded with me and consider me a friend.
Upon arrival, I was introduced to his wife Gina and their two young daughters Isabelle and Mari. -Human young are an interesting study, and I have considered beginning a sub-study on them. Though perhaps that would be a bit overwhelming. The humans have a saying that warns against “biting off more than you can chew” which I must say would be quite wise in my case.
Anyways, I digress.
The meal was enjoyable. Though humans are omnivorous and capable of consuming materials found on the Galactic Lethal Materials Index, Human Aaron and his family had carefully prepared foods that were well within safety parameters. (More information about human diets, food, and related topics can be read in reports 0023-0071).
After the meal was finished and cleaned up, we spent several Earth hours recounting memories and stories. Many such stories could have been pulled up on archives, but the way humans tell stories is uniquely enthralling. There were many times I felt like I was there on the missions with Human Aaron as he was narrating, even though they were of missions that had occurred before we met.
As Earth’s sun set below the horizon, the two young humans began displaying symptoms of weariness. After they were prepared for slumber, they returned to the main room where we had spent our after-meal time and began pleading with Human Aaron for a “bed-time story.”
Human Aaron began with an animated story of a family of bears. I was a bit confused with this- from my studies of Earth, I had thought that bears were non-sentient creatures, not capable of living in a “cute little house in the woods,” sleeping in beds, and certainly not cooking and eating a food called “porridge.” After an inquiry, Human Aaron informed me that the story is a fable - a story where animals are given human-like qualities in order to tell a story with a moral at the end.
It’s a strange method, I’ll admit, but not unheard of among all the storytellers that exist in the galaxy.
After that was cleared up, the story continued. It was quite entertaining. A small human with golden curly hair, aptly named Goldilocks, entered their house, consumed their food, and slept in their beds, only to be caught when the bears returned. I figured this was indeed a good moral - the young humans could relate to the girl in the story and they could see how breaking and entering homes was unwise. An odd lesson, but with humans, things usually are odd.
Young Anabelle and Mari, however, were not pacified by the story and begged for another. Human Aaron began another story about two young children lost in the woods after their trail of bread crumbs was eaten. - I would like to interject here that many of these stories happen in these “woods.” I’m not sure why humans keep wandering through them if they know they so often get lost there.
Hungry, the children in the story come across a house of gingerbread (see Report 0032 on Dangerous Baked Goods) and meet a witch who invites them into her home and tries to eat them!
At this point, I was understandably alarmed! I was unaware that humans were cannibalistic! This is not something that has been in any reports to the Galactic Guide, or at least not that I’m aware of! Omnivores are one thing, but sentient cannibalism is not something smiled on in the Galactic community! This… this could change things!
Seeing I was upset, Human Aaron paused his story and inquired if I was okay. I most certainly was not. After 122 reports, I thought I knew humans!
Human Aaron assured me that the children would be okay, that they would escape without getting eaten, and most importantly, that cannibalism was not a widely-practiced custom, that there were a few instances through human history of it occurring, but that to most of the world, it was abhorrent and unacceptable. That’s why the witch was the villain of the story, after all.
He continued with the story, but I’m not sure if I can clearly recall the rest of it. I was quite shaken up. And all this was in a children’s “bed-time story?”
The young humans seemed completely unaffected by the story, other than what must have been a happy ending, and went to bed.
I believe I have been given some insight as to why, or rather how humans are capable of remaining so calm to alarming and terrifying situations as adults. They are trained from a young age.
