Burger Nine: McDonalds
“The food is awful but they’ve created something truly brilliant.”
Remember when we let it slip that we were (not so secretly) looking forward to noshing on some McDonalds for the sake of this project? Well we did it. All these PT burgers take their toll on the pocket book so, in delving into some of our cheaper options, somehow McDonalds got propped to the top of the list.
McDonalds is an icon. And a complicated one at that, so bear with us.
Before getting into it we’ll say this: our burgers at McDonalds were easy as hell to eat, but f@#king exhausting to describe. The whole institution is so loaded—not just with calories, but with research, chemical manipulation, cultural, economic, and societal implications . . . the list goes on. Between all the documentaries, parental warnings, peer-shaming, and our society’s current food/health consciousness, we all know what’s bad about McDonalds. To sum it up, it exemplifies everything that is wrong with food today: poor quality ingredients expertly manipulated to excel at being mass-produced, cheap, and ADDICTIVE.
But instead of dwelling on all the things that make this burger experience bad, let’s talk about what was good: The Burgers! (That’s what this is about right?)
First, the Quarter Pounder with Cheese. Let’s move from the outside in. The toasted sesame bun is malleable but durable. Easy to bite through, not too crispy and oh so easy on the mouth. Next comes the first layer of all American Kraft Single Cheese. This hangs over the bottom bun just enough that its little corner points drape down, enticing you for what is to come. But don’t you believe that this piece of cheese is placed there haphazardly! It is crucial in protecting the bottom bun from the “juicy” meat and thus helps to both keep the bun from disintegrating and to maintain the burger’s sound structure. The meat is next. Don’t ask us what’s in it, where it’s from, or how they prepare it (do you know where the meat in your $18.00 fancy pub burger comes from? We thought not.) but we can tell you that it’s about a quarter inch thick and devoid of all natural juice. The patty is basically a vehicle for more salt and some sort of umami. This is then draped with another slice of cheese, which helps keep all the remaining accoutrements from slipping out. This leads us to the most exciting part of the burger: the ketchup, mustard, white onion and pickle amalgamation that brings about 90% of the flavor. There is just something about those pickles that tie the whole thing together. Pure magic!!
Next we ate the iconic Big Mac. This thing is a squishy, lettuce-dripping behemoth (small compared to traditional pub burgers yet big for McDonalds). It’s probably the most well-known burger in the world. It rocks the same bun as the Quarter Pounder but they slip another piece of bread in the middle for stability/satiability we assume. They start with the bottom bun by slathering it up with the oh-so secret big mac sauce, then throw some chopped ice burg lettuce on top. Next comes a slice of American cheese followed by the first of two patties. Now this, dear readers, is where the golden arches get crafty. They basically just build the exact same burger on top but with pickles. Absolutely mind blowing, we know.
As for flavor we felt that both of these tasted pretty much the same, save that one had lettuce and Big Mac sauce and the other did not. Neither one was juicy. Both were incredibly sweet and—despite their massive calorie counts— left us wanting more.
How do they cram all those calories into something that essentially feels like eating a flavored cloud? This gets down to the crux of the matter; whether or not you’re in love with the McDonalds burger, you can’t deny the genius engineering behind it. The science that they have put into creating a burger that is “made” in the time it takes for your car to drive the 30 feet from one window to another—and then survive the 10-30 minute drive home—and still be delicious is mind blowing.
Other things worth noting:
1.) Chain or no chain, the Port Townsend McDonalds has community. Patrons and employees alike were hugging, greeting, smiling, cheering. Everyone was happy has hell. There was a dude who had set up office in the dining room to make use of that free double arches wifi; some dapper old man came in for his regular weeknight dinner of Fillet-O-Fish and black coffee; a former employee popped in to check on her old crew; heck, one of our long-lost acquaintances even tried to hook us up with extra goods despite the fact we never patronize his place of employment. The vibes in this McDonalds are abuzz.
2.) This franchise is a clean one. Cool.
3.) McDonald’s Fries. These things have a shelf life of about three minutes but if you can get at them before that that time is up you are in salty, blissful heaven.
Tell us what you think of McDonalds. We know you go there.