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Love, Loss, & What Happens Now? post-basketball reflection by April Cook

The purest form of love for me was the love I had for basketball i thought about it everyday for 15 years i would wake up and know that i had this activity that i loved to do and no matter what issues i had going on, drama, girl drama, family drama, societal pressures… i had basketball as an outlet; a physical activity i could do that would help me to relieve stress. when you take that away from a person, something happens to you all of a sudden you have to deal with those issues you had in a different way because basketball is such a physical activity you have to struggle with you overall health & well-being when you suddenly stop playing & exercising at the level I was playing at you have to face those issues you can’t just work them out physically you have to see who you really are deep down inside without basketball which was my comfort zone but not only was it my comfort zone to deal with stress it was the comfort zone for my personality it was the comfort zone for the way a dressed it was the comfort zone for the way i met people and socialized with my peers it was the comfort zone for how i met people i wanted to date it was the comfort zone for my place in my community and what people knew me for it consumed me it was me because thats how i wanted it to be i was fully comfortable with myself during that time and i thrived because i didn’t have to worry about being insecure i didn’t even have to worry about my sexual orientation because being a lesbian of course was widely accepted in world of women’s basketball when basketball was over i had to completely start over i had to become uncomfortable and insecure and vulnerable but most importantly i had to grieve anybody that ever had to grieve knows that the cycle of grief comes around and around one moment you’re good and the next you’re depressed all over again. but you work through it you try to distract your mind from it you try to dive into another project or hobby or develop new skills meet new people try new things or fall in love you might even drink or do drugs a little more to forget about it and that works for awhile…until it doesn’t anymore then you’re like, “fuck” it time for me to re-focus it time for me to figure out what it is i need to do to find myself again i thought about it for a few months and decided my goal in life at this point is to become comfortable again when Im comfortable and confident in myself and my ability to perform a task i thrive i excel i feel happy i have a purpose i can be myself again i don’t quite feel like myself at this moment but i’ll get there eventually it took me about 10 years to become confident enough in basketball to thrive Im sure it will take at least that much time to become comfortable in this new life music gives me that same feeling that basketball did when i am around other musicians and creative people my comfort level goes up x10 when i’m in my room writing songs, making beats, or casually playing piano i feel content i feel love i get nervous when i think about pursing music full time because i know how easily something i love can be torn away from me i was first introduced to that feeling of abandonment when my father went to prison when i was in elementary school our family was perfect in my eyes and in one day it all got destroyed i have the same feeling about relationships many of my relationships with significant others, friends, jobs, etc have suffered because of me thinking negatively about the outcome sometimes i’ll say to myself, “oh none of this matters because something bad will happen and it’ll all be done with one day anyway” i am always afraid to go in on something 100% which is why it is difficult for me to pursue music fully i feel that if i keep music as my hobby i’ll always have it to myself and nothing can take it away. with that being said… i don’t feel like anything could hurt as much as it did to have to let basketball go just think about having to let go of what you thought was your identity, how you and how others identified you i use to question myself like.. “ok, who tf am i now?” and i know other people felt that way about me as well people i knew from basketball disappeared because we no longer had basketball as the foundation for a connection losing that additional network of people was hurtful at first, but luckily my real friends and family always stuck by my side it is still difficult for me to be involved in basketball in any way because it reminds me of how happy and comfortable i was when i was a hooper the thought of feeling that comfortable again is what drives me everyday to challenge myself and to be the best i can be at whatever it is i am doing my mind set is pretty much like, i’ve gotten to that level of comfort before and i can do it again i’ve been uncomfortable before i’ve been a rookie before i’ve been the new kid on the team i’ve been bullied i’ve been treated differently from the group i’ve faced adversity i do it daily but i’ve also had success and once you know what that feels like you’ll do whatever it takes to feel that way again So thats where I’m at

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