Another Day
The issue of the day -- my son has flipped into what seems to be a manic state. We've recently changed his medication, and if this is the result it's just not going to work. He's gone straight through happy and excited to agitated, constantly moving and talking, not letting anyone get a word in edgewise. We're all feeling the stress of it, and, of course, he feels it worst of all, because he's a very intelligent young man and he knows that there's something wrong. He's jerky, ticcy, never stops. He eats less than he should, and since he's growing heaven knows what it's doing to him.
However, I think my reaction isn't helping things. I worked with folks who had mental illness for many years (even though I left the field after about 15 years due to burnout), and I see in this behavior potential problems that may or may not be part of the picture. I am by no means a psychiatrist (we are lucky to have a fine doctor who takes good care of us in that respect), and this is based on experience with folks who had been institutionalized or were being cared for in the community because they had issues that prevented them from staying by themselves (mostly developmental disabilities). My alarms are not necessarily based in reality for this situation, and it's mucking up the actual situation with my (most likely mistaken) reactions.
When it comes down to it, I'm concerned about my son being in distress because of this state where he has a hard time controlling behaviors that mark him as different, even in the excellent, kind, and very structured and programmed environment of his school. He is lucky enough to attend a school for children who are emotionally disturbed and who have other issues such as learning disabilities. I have great respect for the staff and they're concerned along with me about this new wrinkle in his ongoing effort to be a functional, productive member of society. He is intelligent and capable, very bright in math and very well-spoken and informed. Due to his issues, he is growing up slowly and often befriends people who are younger than he is, because he missed a couple of years of growing up while we flailed around trying to find the right place for him in the school system.
I want to be able to wave a magic wand and make it all better, like any parent who has a child in such distress. I am reminded that my son has no disastrous physical illness, like cancer or some other fatal malady -- but folks with mood disorders are far more likely to commit suicide than the general population -- a parent's ultimate nightmare. And all I can do is remind him that he is having trouble that he already knows he has. Am I helping him or hurting? Luckily, we see our psychiatrist in a couple of days, and we will probably have a medication adjustment. Though that may not solve the problem per se (medication seldom does on its own), it may give us some tools to help him to be in control of himself. He is not in control now, and I know that it is distressing to him especially.
So, all I can do is love him and help him as much as I can. and hopefully he will come out of this state and have some relatively normall time. We can only hope.
Meanwhile, my daughter is hot to trot on the idea of going to art school. The program has her interest is a very career-directed, and the college has a very good placement percentage. It's not what I would call a well-rounded education, but my daughter is a reader and if she wishes to learn about something she has the capacity to do so. In art school, she would be doing what she wants to do, namely animation and those kinds of technology. It's on a quarter system and it's very intense, but she needs to make some decisions about what it is she wants. I happen to believe in a liberal arts education as a way to teach someone how to learn what they need to know, but I appreciate my daughter's extensive artistic gifts and her interest in all sorts of animation and technology. In the end we will do our best to give her a chance at this school if it is what she wants.
My daughter is desperate to get away from her brother because of his issues. She's had way more than enough of dealing with him, and it's understandable. She is, however, young and doesn't know that if she moves out a lot of her daily support will be different after the move. I hope she has thought this through, since it will have many, possibly unforeseen consequences. She'll have to learn to cook and take care of herself. I don't think she will have more than the normal amount of problems with it, but it's still early.
My son, on the other hand, may need to live away from the family in order to become acquainted with reality. Even though all of the same issues apply as for my daughter, I am trying to find a program that will give us some way to help him become independent with guidance from someone who isn't Mom and nervous all the time. Our relationship is difficult, and I want him to have the best shot there is at living a normal life; if it takes me stepping out of the picture to help him grow among others, that's what I'll do. It's not easy to admit that I may not be helping my son, but I'd rather that than have him home and dependent at 40. He needs his own life, and a chance to sink or swim just like anyone else, even though more support may be appropriate for him.
So, welcome to my stress. Though they were born within five minutes of each other, they are as different as night and day, and as I have told them, treating them fairly doesn't mean treating them the same way, but assessing their needs and strengths and treating them in accordance to those needs and strengths. All parents face this dilemma to some extent, and we are working to help them for the rest of the short time that they will be with us.