Or, What if Natasha Romanoff was a mermaid?
We feel like we should address this first. We chose this film because we both absolutely love it, but our star Scarlett Johansson isn't in it quite as much as we remembered her being. This bits she was in were divine, and we remember each part so clearly, but on reflection we do feel we've done her slightly dirty on the screen time. So we apologise.
@cassandrafey: Maybe we should class this as a Thanos film?
@cassandrafey: What if Thanos carried on being a dickhead only he worked in the pictures?
We then got slightly distracted over a gif set of dear Frank in Endings, Beginnings, which Becks hasn't seen but Cass has filled her in on why she should. We're both a bit flustered, but we're going to push that down now and get on with the task at hand.
Let us tell you why we love this so much. We really had to choose our words so carefully for this. It’s a comfort, but it’s not a comfort film. It’s a shared love of the Hollywood Studio System, our fond remembrance of a time we never experienced but were ingrained into as film student babies. It’s the rumours, it’s the grandeur, it’s the backlots, it’s the people. We feel like we know them, and each scene is just perfectly presented, and we just fucking love it.
We were joined by a guest for this watch through, who finished the film by saying:
"I felt not one single emotion. I may as well have sat staring at the wall."
Anyway, we will be cutting her out of our lives, so don't worry too much. Here instead are all the emotions we had...
We both started our notes with "Is that Dumbledore?" The second film we've watched that's been narrated, who knew it was such a big thing. Anyway, it was Dumbledore and he tells us all about what Thanos is up to. Being punished in another life for all his past crimes in the MCU, no rest for the wicked you fucker.
We'd do well in Hollywood.
@cassandrafey: What would we do there?
@becksxoxo: You know, things, and stuff, and people would just appreciate us.
@cassandrafey: ah Tinseltown.
We're going to go for a character based narrative of thought this week, because the plot dances around a delightful amount and may become unwieldly.
We're going to start with the perfection that is Scarlett as DeeAnna Moran. We love her rising out of the water, a goddess, and then unleashing her full blown rage at the conductor, flinging that crown with a panache that we haven't seen since the finale of Miss Congeniality. We both really loved the synchronised swimming, we were mesmerised by the shapes and colours. Cass had a wild moment of abandon and thought it might be something we should have a go at, but then could only see the French and Saunders ballet scene in her head, and soon decided it was a terrible suggestion. The whole premise of her being this silent beautiful starlet, and the reality of her being this potty mouth broad is just so perfect. Her secret sleazy marriages, her questionable baby daddy choices, we just love her. We also love how interested she becomes when she finds out just how reliable Joe Silverman is, a legal personhood. And most of all we love her removal from the mermaid's tail. After her eye rolls at Chris Evans saying how easy the Black Widow outfit is to slip on and off, Becks likes to think it was much more like this each time she had to get in and out of it. And who doesn't love the yelling the line:
"So you go and strap on a fish-ass and marry Arne Seslum."
She's just so good at being this character. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE
Hobie Doyle is a wholesome little puppy. Not our usual type, but we are terribly fond of him. Cass has suggested it’s his prowess with the lasso. Other than our absolute favourite scene in the whole film, which we will discuss in a moment, what we love most about him is the fact that he sat and listened to Eddie have a small breakdown about the shit going on, thought about it for a moment and then took it upon himself to help.
"This is bad. Bad for movie stars everywhere."
And he did. The solemn way he says:
"You got Mr. Mannix worried sick."
is just too much. We don't think Eddie was at all worried about Baird, but we just love how much Hobie cares. We completely ship him and Carlotta Valdez. Their little date, no matter how set up it was, was just so cute! Her little dancing, his little spaghetti lasso, HIS TEETH! Totes adorbs. We were also very impressed by his horse acrobatics, you know Cass and horses. Also he was shovelling away a mighty large portion of beans.
Now we have all that out of the way we shall share his part in one of the most perfect scenes in cinematic history, alongside the wonder of men, Laurence Laurentz.
"Would that it were so simple."
Words cannot describe the perfection of this sequence. We can't write everything that we loved about it, because it is literally everything. It’s just perfect, and it’s hard to imagine anyone involved in it achieving anything better in their careers.
The differences of the two of them, and they're trying so hard. The names, the words. It’s just so good.
You'll be glad to know we're both sat here trying to say the word suit now (in the way that a posh person at Cass’ work says it rather than the nice normal way anyone else does. Very hard to do, makes our voices go quite high for some reason).
Laurence is being so kind, but you can see him dying inside. A struggle we've all faced from time to time.
Also when Hobie is told to look serious and pouts Becks got heavy Sebastian Stan vibes. And ladies, is that ever a bad thing? What a mouth...
What a perfect scene. We can't think of anything else to say other than it’s just so perfect.
Severe himbo energy. Didn't seem at all bothered being dressed as a Roman, being kidnapped, and getting offered finger sandwiches. Just another day in the life of a Hollywood Movie Star. He was just happy to be there, thrilled to be part of a club. Imagine just being at that much peace with your life, either getting your end off or being brainwashed by a cult. Must be nice.
Our friend, who didn't like the film, also doesn't understand people being attracted to George Clooney. Another reason for her continued bafflement.
We don't really know how convincing the communists were, although you know we're all for it #jointheunion but they seemed just as pleased to be able to listen to him tell his stupid stories as to share with him the whole economics business. What a nice little study group, discussing all sorts of jolly things.
Until he is slapped round the face by Mannix, and told to get his mind back on the job. Movies don't make themselves you know.
"Squint. Squint at the grandeur."
Now, we're not ones for Channing Tatum. We're neither for or against him, we're just indifferent. However, singing and dancing commie Channing Tatum, quite good fun. The whole bar scene is great, the singing, the dancing, the homoeroticism.
Becks has a small fantasy revolving around this scene and the Howling Commandoes. So she'd just like to leave that gem of a thought in your minds, let it go whereever you wish it to.
We also love the little twist of him being the leader of the Hollywood Communists, off to defect to Mother Russia, with such flair and drama as he springs onto that submarine. Submarines are a difficult subject matter for Becks due to that time she was depth charged as a child, so this part of the film could have taken quite the turn, but the leap and the dog saved it.
C. C. makes Cass very nervous, with the whole room being a smoke filled danger zone, the cigarette, the machinery, the scarf. And she was proven quite right about this. (Becks' notes just read choking kink? so we won't give her a voice at this stage...) It’s a good little scene with her, Frances McDormand is always a treat, it’s very atmospheric, and we get treated to a flashback of our favourite scene, so what's not to love.
Thora and Thessaly Thacker
Isn't it a treat when you forget about Tilda Swinton and there she is, twice! She's so fucking good. Such a wonderful woman in fact that Cass made no notes, she was so caught up in watching her. Becks waxed lyrical about her hats, and her tenacity.
To be honest, we always forget that really Eddie is the star of the film, because we're so caught up in all the other little stories, which we suppose really is the point of Eddie as a fixer. He isn't there to be the star, he is there to make sure everything works, everything stays right and no one knows the dark and shady underbelly of what is truly happening.
Neither of us are Catholics, but we really felt for that priest. That poor man just wanted to go home, and haven't we all been there? Someone just constantly pouring their troubles out on you, demanding you to pardon their soul for their stupid little actions. Although we bet the gossip you get from a confessional must be great, but we suppose that's not really the point.
"Baird, go out there and be a star."
Cass and Becks like to pretend to be Patsy and Eddie, so we've just hissed Eddie, Eddie, Darling, Eddie, Sweety, Eddie, at each other and Cass is now going to spend her afternoon drunk and carry on with that. (Truly, I will in fact be wearing a little black leather mini skirt that has Patsy all over it - and perhaps I’ll have a Stoli…)
All in all, a cracking film. We will have to do another with ScarJo in it, because she wasn't in it that much, but she did steal the show. The whole film just works as a good story, but also as a homage to the golden age of cinema.
The cinematic quality may take a slight nose dive next week, as our chum Clint joins us in a little fairy tale romp, all this to say we're watching Hansel & Gretel : Witch Hunters next week. Strap in kids, it’s gonna be great, or not, who knows, not us!
