I thought of writing this letter, to those that have helped me in the past, thanking them for their kindness, once shown …, but the subtext would be only for them to help me again. And while I may personally feel that THIS TIME is the NOBLEST TIME of all, and that their gifts would not be squandered but put to good use, to finish this education that I’ve stopped and started a few times, now, I can’t in good conscience write that letter, because I know, if truth be told, IT WAS ALWAYS YOU, that only used those different vessels, for the different seasons of my life.
And if I dig deeper, I’ve always been a little resentful that you allowed others to bless me, and not blessed me directly, internally and anonymously but always publicly to either live or die by the generosity of the spirit in others. Why was that? You know I’ve had many a sleepless and tear-filled night, wanting to be stronger, in my own eyes. But you won’t let me have it ‘my way’, will you? Is that a lack of trust in me to be fully present, the day after that kind of individual blessing? Are you afraid I’ll become even more, publicly, of the recluse than I am already in my heart, privately? What gives? Why don’t you really trust me to do the right thing with wealth? I don’t have the immediacy of family, but you do know I’m connected to many who would immediately benefit from my sudden elevation. You’ve already seen what I do with any excess I have, anyway, so I’m writing the one audience that already knows my deepest and darkest secrets, desires, thoughts and wishes. So what is this hindrance that often feels like a downright blockage, of my own hopes and dreams, to be the singular resource of my own well-being and journey, again?
It is hubris on my part, to pray for such, especially when I witness so many others have that simple modicum of self-respect and self-sustainability? Why is it, now, and frankly has always been ‘different’ for me? What have I done that is so heinous that I don’t get to live , but off the breadcrumbs of others? You can’t say that I’m not ‘yours’ … I’m where I am today, frankly, because of this journey to you, that keeps me moving, discovering, testing, questioning and examining everything that others often just take on Faith. Yes, that’s never been enough for me, because I know how I feel, deep inside, and if I truly found one other, person or place, that truly resounded in my spirit that they were my HOME, the place where I know I can truly grow and vibrate as my highest self, I would gladly lie my head down, and exhale in glorious peace.
But you like no other, know the compromises I make, to fit in, ALL THE TIME. You know what I don’t say, because I dare not risk cutting off a potential source and how tedious that is for me, as I grow older with less and less desire or ability to filter myself. I’ve become my own worse enemy, which for me, would seem like all the more reason for you to finally GIVE ME THAT AUTONOMY, I so long and pray for.
I want this to change, or end, this incessant waiting and searching and pleading/begging to be loved, to be seen, to be heard and understood … and in lieu of that, you know I’m good, ALONE, if I’m able to sustain myself, ALONE, especially. I don’t need to vote as to which I would prefer, because you already know that for me to continue living like a pauper, just isn’t life.
You know I haven’t lived, well, for some time, now. So if you have a purpose for this place I find myself in, all too many times, please make it clear to me and that knowledge might allow me to wait, a bit longer, but I need that enlightenment or the fulfillment of my initial desire to be STRONG FINANCIALLY, again. And neither of those results I can bring about ,save you allow me to have what I obviously don’t have, today, namely, Clarity OR Financial Freedom.
Brother Eden Douglas Edward Powell
P.S. Can we marry my past and present to a certain future, once and for all??!
