#edgy journal

[lunettastars]

you were red, and you liked me because i was blue but you touched me and suddenly i was a lilac sky  then you decided purple just wasn’t for you

[skylers-journaling]

Journal Entry

[myinnermostmask]

Wednesday, September 2024

I don't try to write unless I have big feelings because just writing the small, one sentence vents have proven to make me more neurotic. I focus too much on what that one sentence meant in the midst of the many and I end up re traumatizing myself like a fucking moron.

So instead I lay in the darkness and shroud myself in music to erase the feelings.

The feelings of uselessness. The feelings of guilt. The feelings of unwantedness. The feelings of self loathing.

Fly said they weren't going to judge me for anything but I know they are. Even if we can live through each other's fun escapades, I just feel like of all people they should be the most shaming but they're not. I'm grateful actually. I know they won't judge me. They love me.

I will be enough one day. I know I will. Fuck, I probably am now. But I don't feel it.

So yeah, I lay sprawled out like a fucking sack of shit and listen to End of All Things by Panic! On repeat until I can gain some semblance of humanity again. I've apperantly deleted all of my sad playlists so I have to curate a good list again. Funny, in my acts of self care I seem to deprive myself of my coping because I think my ass DOESN'T NEED EMO MUSIC to feel better. But it's a cure all. How else can I rise if I don't live vicariously through others sadness in an act of commisery with other tortured souls waaaah.

Boo fucking hoo.

My body hurts. My stomach wants to retch out everything in it. My hands are sore and my nails are scratched and my jaw is tense. Everything is hurting. For what. For fucking what...

Get out of here, depression. No one likes you. Besides, anxiety has the steering wheel. Let's fucking gooooo!

[myinnermostmask]

Friday August 2024

Im trying to sleep but the uselessness of what I am is bogging me down. I close my eyes and the void beckons. The fog is comming and I can't stop it.

I see myself, a 3rd person POV and I see myself operating the electric rigging machine in the Theater Department. Doing the bare minimum because I can't remember knots so I had everyone else rig that while I just press the button and check security. It's the easiest job.

I see myself failing my classes. I was doing so so well. Then I had to go to urgent care nonstop during finals week. Urgent care isnt an excuse it should have been fixed enough but then i was hospitalized for a month a week later. I failed it all. I bled and changed my stupid pads 5 times in a two hour class period of my history final, unknowingly having chronic anemia with a deathly low amount of blood in me. I left all of my electronics on his desk because I told him I'd have to be in and out. I bet he thought I was cheating. But I bled in the seat, an embarassing thing as a 28yold with bloody pants going to my professor who was just 6 years my senior and asking him for cleanjng supplies. I managed to get myself a C, because i couldnt fucking function! I was losing my vision and function but i tried!!!

But my other classes...

My god, why is it I am FATED to fail all school? I don't regret failing when I was 18 because I knew I wasn't cut out to go without a break. I needed the break. Then I failed 2 years before they just put me on probation. Then I came back. Almost 10 years later. And I tried so hard. Fuck, and the unmedicated/untreated ADHD doesn't help at all. I'm a hindrance to myself. I always have been. But I had to push! What else was there to do? I pushed. And then struck down for having a fucked up uterus that won't even give me kids, so why have it?

Will I just forever be nothing without a degree in something? I'm still on probation forever pending whether or not I'm intelligent enough by others standards. I feel stupid. I feel misguided and small. I feel like I'm not worth the money they spend to keep me employed because I have no training.

Wherever I go I am forever stuck with minimum sage. Wherever I go I am reminded I'm not supposed to have a degree in anything. I am not supposed to.

I am the class they step on to ensure there is always a burger flipper to their 5 am McGriddle on the way to the office.

I am useless to them.

I am loved but man, am I so so disappointing as a person. I know that when my mom looks at me she sees all I could be. But doesn't like what I am. And what I've done. I'm just a bitter, small idiot who cries at beautiful movie scores and cares too much about others.

Because folks, I've said it before. I'll say it again.

What is my worth if I can't help others!

This will pass. It just sucks to be up at 3 am and unable to sleep because you're just a useless train of failed education, medical bills, credit debt and personal debt.

[myinnermostmask]

Thursday, August 2024

I don't deserve your sympathies.

I sit at the doctor. The ac is groaning. The papers are in front of me. I'm waiting for the doctor.

They arrive.

I apologize for not getting my labs done. I'm honest about why I'm skipping my medication.

Suddenly they're sympathetic.

They tell me I deserve better because my anxiety and depression survey was too high of a number. They're apologetic that I'm poor. They're kind and want to help and review my safety plan. None of the other specialists here actually ask me this. They just ask how my therapy/psychiatry is going and when I say "infrequent/not well" they give the sympathy shrug.

This person is trying to talk to me.

To sit with me. Look me in the eyes. Tell me that I deserve more than to feel this way.

This is the first time a doctor stopped to ask about my mental health and I'm doing everything in my power to not cry because why extend such kindness. Why tell me you want me to get better and not feel this way. Why ask about the history of it. No one els has. Why are you?

They leave and I have to hold back tears. The sheer attempt at knowing me in a cold, sterile environment is painful.

I don't deserve thjs kindness.

[myinnermostmask]

Tuesday August 2024

You ever rehearse arguments in your head?

I think only people who are neurodivergant do. I ask people and only those with really prominent symptoms, diagnosed or not, can tell me that they argue in their heads.

My arguments aren't bound to happen, I think. I wonder "What would happen if I said this?" Usually the answer is bad because the things I want to say are hard truths of my feelings. Things like why I don't want to get married. Things like why my relationship with one of my best friends would be almost ruined if they get married to their partner. Things like jealousy over something thats never going to be mine or ever happen. I can argue all day and fantasize about losing those I love to circumstances I cannot control.

I can control them.

My control is silence.

My control is forcing a smile.

I just want to disregulate myself.

My meds keep me calm and apathetic and I want to stop taking them. I want to feel again. Feeling rage and sadness and letting the darkness consume me is so much better than living life day to day because I can function. I know I need a talk therapist, but it would be so fucking good to feel what I used to feel for once. To cry would be incredible. I haven't really cried in eons. Small, choked up tears every now and then when emotions are high but nothing like the headache inducing, raw throat breakdowns I used to have. I'm romanticizing the disregulation and the purity of the raw intensity. I know I am. God, do I miss it.

I miss having passion. I miss having obsessions to distract myself. I miss the feeling of completion that something gave me when I knew all about it. The dive into the temporary friends that are all brought together by one subject, only to be my mutuals I never speak to again if it isn't about our shared interest from 3 years ago.

I miss the disaster I used to be because at least I was interesting then, and interested in myself then. I had passion. I had something. Now I have two pills in the morning to keep me up and going. To keep my anxiety down. Two pills at night to make me sleep without anxiety.

The apathy in my day to day life is appalling.

I wish I could feel the intensities of my emotions again.