Child Discipline: Why Do We Shout?
My previous weeks musing or better still, reflections centred on children and things that affects them-exercise and self-esteem. This week’s will slightly be different as I want to take a close look at shouting…yes, you read right, shouting. A few days back, I took time out to dash to Ogunlana Drive, somewhere in Surulere to see a friend. I went by public transport to avoid the stress of driving through the impossible-to-avoid traffic that is a regular feature on Lagos roads. The bus I entered was relatively new for a Lagos Danfo- a fact that got it filled up immediately. Our ride was going sweetly and smoothly until the bus conductor started collecting fares-one hundred naira. One passenger was ‘unfortunate’ to bring out one thousand naira note. This appeared to be a cardinal sin in our conductor’s bible as he began to should at the passenger who seemingly did not expect the reaction. The passenger quickly got over his surprise and match the conductor tone to tone, decibel to decibel and expression to expression. Soon, our bus was a shouting match between conductor and passenger, those who are trying to diffuse the situation, a select few who were justifying the conductor’s ‘grievance and those justifying the passenger’s returned outburst. In the midst of that melee, I observed that the woman sitting between the passenger and the conductor had brought out a change of four N200 notes. I equally sighted the unmistakable colours of our hundred naira bill in her hands. The woman had found the solution to the ‘problem’ at hand but the two ‘warring’ parties were too far gone as they had worked themselves into a fine temper and were already spoiling for a fight. The long and short of this was that I alighted at my bus stop and went my way, wondering if both parties succeeded in achieving anything meaningful through their vocal exercise. I thought my encounter with shouting matches for the day were over after I left the bus, I was wrong. My friend who I will like to call Tunde for the sake of protecting his anonymity (I hope he doesn’t read this), was also having vocal ‘warfare’ with Tinuke (not real name) while I was at the door knocking. I had to knock really loudly before I got their attention. My friend’s embarrassed looks when he opened the door for me was enough compensation for my time wasted waiting. Tinuke had disappeared to one of the rooms with her crying 16months (thereabout) toddler when I entered the house. Back home in the comfort of my room, I tried putting aside the happenings of the day as I flipped through my WhatsApp messages. Usually when I do this, I just discard forwarded messages, copied messages or the type-amen-if-you… messages. But I came across one that resonated with events of the day. I will narrate it as much as I remember. Here goes:
A saint asked his disciples, ‘Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?’ Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, ‘Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.’ ‘But, why do you shout when the other person is just next to you?‘ asked the saint. ‘Isn’t it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you’re angry?’ Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the saint. Finally he explained, ‘When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the louder they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.’ Then the saint asked, ‘What happens when two people fall in love? They don’t shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small…’ The saint continued, ‘When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that’s all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.’ The story ended with a moral: When you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return. Hmm, that is reflective. I do have sincere questions that require sincere answers though here, they are just rhetoric questions. How would you define shouting (I am not shouting is many people’s response when they are doing this sometimes.)? Have you ever been at the receiving end of someone shouting? Do you consider yourself to be someone that frequently shouts? Have you ever used shouting to rebuke, correct, or reprimand another? Have you ever found yourself uncontrollably shouting? If so, you are in good company, because a large percentage of our society continues to utilize shouting. Yet what good comes from shouting and losing personal self-control? A recent study in the Journal of Child Development found that children who are raised in an environment that shouting is the normal way of life, have a higher probability of developing psychological issues and conditions. Moreover, when parents and guardians purposefully use shouting as a source of correction and discipline; the children have an increased risk of developing a number of psychological issues: including behavioural problems, anxiety, stress and depression. Researchers and clinicians disagree on the benefits and the harm of shouting. Naturally, they almost all agree that shouting to protect someone from real and certain harm, threat or even a perceived danger is acceptable. While there are a variety of reasons that one may find themselves shouting; this article is looking specifically at shouting as a source of chastising, rebuking or correcting another. Researchers are now discovering that shouting in relationship to discipline, can prove as vile as any other form of abuse. Further, researchers have found that shouting seldom eliminates or alleviates an issue; nor does it cause the yeller’s triggers to subside.
WHY DO WE SHOUT? For many, shouting, screaming, belittling, and personal name calling are justifiable means to get others, especially children to do what we want. In fact, it is very common for a yeller to be a screamer, belittler, and a name caller. As a society, we justify such behaviours by excusing them as care, protection and motivation, but the reality is, there is seldom an environment with which shouting is justifiable. What would be considered a justifiable reason for shouting? As a society, we have created a justifiable list of reasons with which shouting is permissible and acceptable. The list often includes: Parental correction and discipline For coaches, teachers, or instructors: desire to inspire his or her students An employer’s rebuking and correction To gain the attention of another To assert oneself over another To incite or stir up emotions To encourage or stimulate a particular outcome Etc As a specie, we are emotionally driven, impulsive, confrontational, and fundamentally influenced by opposition. While as a specie we are driven by opposition; shouting and verbal confrontations rarely positively inspire or motivate another. When attempting to motivate through negative reinforcement, the stimulus evokes and provokes strong emotions. Such emotions are negative and resistant in nature rather than positively influenced. If we motivate through a positive, encouraging and persuasive approach, we are more apt to create a positively influenced environment. Shouting has an ability of conditioning those who are receiving or engaging in the act. It is the nature of shouting that makes it reflective of other forms of corporal punishment. The intent of corporal punishment is to deliberately and severely correct, chastise, rebuke or reprimand another. The complexity of shouting is its dichotomy of objectives. Shouting can be used as a source of rebuke and chastisement; it can be used as a source of expressing excitement, eagerness, and exuberance; and/or it can be used to draw attention to a threat, risk, and/or communicate an emergency. Shouting is seldom a singular event. According to the study I quoted earlier, people who choose to shout, frequently and repetitively use it as a form of conditioning others to meet a specific set of expectations or desires. The conditioning is being used in order to develop obedience or compliance of another. Shouting in the corrective form is always unnecessary, excessive, and tiresome. As an educationist, I have no reservations in saying, that shouting decays the human spirit. It breaks the essence of the person receiving the vice, and it is unbecoming of the person enacting or engaging in the tantrum. Yes, in most cases, shouting is a tantrum being propelled from one person and being received by another. Shouting is one of the most reprehensible acts of abuse. Well, that it for this week. Perhaps you have a contribution, question…whatever, you can reach on…… See you next week! Read the full article