This is not going to be an eloquent post. I am so fucking pent up with emotions, and I can't even release them anymore. I don't know why my releases just stop working sometimes. I can't release it through exercise, books and movies aren't doing it, writing it out only provides a small amount of relief, and even screaming doesn't give me much of a relief. Not like I can go around screaming all the time, either. I feel like the last two years of my life has just been me being constantly shit on. I've been betrayed, hurt, cheated on, fucked over, forgotten about, devalued. I am so, so fucking angry. I want to sit all of them down and one at a time scream FUCK YOU at them until I let go of how they treated me. Seriously, FUCK ALL OF YOU. I didn't deserve any of that. I fucking deserve to be treated with respect, kindness and love. All of which you assured me you felt for me. Fuck your words, fuck your attitude, fuck your immature, emotionally crippled psyche.
All I can think about is how fucking badly I need want someone. People probably read that and think, damn that dude is desperate. You know what? I am. You know why? Because I don't have a damn person in the world, and every damn person who I thought I had I never really did, and never got any real affection from either. My closest friend lives thousands of miles away from me. I don't remember what it feels like to have someone who really, truly knew me in the same room as me. I can't remember the last time I hugged someone I care about (edit: actually I can, but I'd rather not). I am starved for simple human touch. I'm starved for affection. I need to slide my hand over someone's hip. I need to feel the softness of their skin. I need to smell their hair. I need to hold them as close and as tight as possible without breaking something. I miss what it feels like to have someone's lips against mine. This isn't just some small thing I can write off and forget about, damnit. We were fucking born to be affectionate towards each other. We are animals. We need our clans. We need our mates. Instead we spend most of our time being alone, and not in the sense of without people in the immediate area. Truly alone. Without people we deeply connect with.
I need sex lots of sex a metric fuckton of sex. I need to cry until I'm exhausted. I need to scream until my throat hurts. I need to hit a punching bag until my knuckles are numb. I need to cuddle until I fall asleep. All in the same fucking day.
God damn, I must have stolen someone's true love in a past life or something. I probably orchestrated Edmond Dantes' imprisonment.
