The Eggs! The EGGS!!!!
Rating: Explicit 18+ only!
[Ao3 link]
[[TW/CW: blowjobs, cum, anal beads, Christ mention]]
Summary: April Fools 🎊😅
He puts the lotion on his skin.
Mmmm so moist.
Moist.
Absolutely moist.
“Mama’s wet boy,” Vistri purrs.
“So wet,” Astarion whispers.
There is a cake in the middle of the room. The cake is shaped to look exactly like Halsin’s booty cheeks. Vistri and Astarion wiggle their way over and lick a frosted cheek each.
“Time to eat the groceries,” Withers says, suddenly appearing with his big naturals.
“Oh my! What big honking naturals you have, sir!” Vistri exclaims and then faints.
Astarion, overcome by Withers’ big naturals, shrieks like a fox in heat.
"You there," Withers addresses Astarion and then narrows his eyes, "Wet boy."
"Yeeeeeeeeesssss?"
"Pick up your slut."
Astarion gives a salute to the big tiddy goth god and bends to retrieve his fallen drow.
"Come now, my sweet chili cheese sauce," he murmurs, gathering her up in his pale, lathered arms, "Time for us to make nachos for the devil."
Vistri slides out of Astarion's arms as he rises. He's just too wet!
"No! My beloved!"
"You have failed, wet boy!" Withers shouts, his big naturals shaking with emotion.
Astarion weeps, "But I must not fail!"
Gasping, Vistri rises from her unconscious state. It is a miracle! She has risen!
"It is a miracle!" Astarion exclaims, "She has risen!"
Withers suddenly grows eyebrows just to wiggle them, "So have I."
Astarion gasps, "No wonder they call you the bone man!"
"They also call me: Rigor Mortis."
And with that, Withers exits in a flash. Sparkles are left behind in his wake, and when Astarion peers for a closer look, he finds the glitter to be confetti shaped like little dicks.
"My gods!" Vistri cries behind him, "He vanished into the remnants of a bachelorette party!"
"And took his big naturals with him," Astarion despondently states, head hung low in despair like elderly testicles.
"But all is not lost! We still have each other!"
"You're right!"
Astarion runs over and grabs Vistri by the bum.
"My toot-toot!" she exclaims, leaning into his hands.
"Yeeeesssss," he says ravishingly, "I'm going to slide into your toot-toot like a hot noodle."
"Mmmmm," she moans, "Fuck me like Ramen."
"Not so fast!" Astarion insists, moving his hands to her front, "I'd like to invade your tooter and your cooter."
Vistri cums.
So hard.
It's such a hard, long cum.
"That was nice," she says after.
"I haven't even started," he promises.
"I have."
Astarion smirks proudly, "Yes, you have."
"I did a big cum."
"Yes, dear. I was there."
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
"Okay."
"Yeah."
"You done, love?"
"No! Watch this!!!"
Vistri jumps and runs around in a circle a few times before diving to the ground and throwing her legs up over her head. She reaches between them and pulls out a row of brightly-colored anal beads.
Then another. And another!
Like a birthday party clown, Vistri pulls row and row of anal beads out of her tooter.
Astarion has tears in his eyes, "You're so talented. I couldn't love you more."
"It's all for you. You have to know—It's all for you!"
OH NO! LOOK OUT! IT'S THE CHAT BOT!
THE CHAT BOTS OF AO3 HAVE BREACHED THROUGH THE COMMENT SECTION AND INVADED THE TEXT ITSELF!
Your Tavstarion one shot masterfully transforms the text to be full of tension and woe. I really liked when Withers big naturals rescued the wet boy. Do you think the juxtaposition of being wet and a boy will lead to the resolution of Vistri's big cum?
OH MY GOD! AN OPPONENT HAS ENTERED THE RING WITH THE AO3 CHAT BOT!—AN INFLUENCER APPEARS!
Come with meee as I walk to the local whorehouuusse on this little unknown path called Times Square New Yooork. I picked up a local delicacy called Little Ceasars Pizza. It's super cute! Super sexy! And it's PACKED with proteeeeiin.
HELP US! OH DEAR LORD GOD! THE AO3 CHAT BOT AND RANDOM INFLUENCER HAVE BEEN EATEN BY THE MODERN CORPORATE WORKER!
Let's circle back.
"No!" Astarion shouts, "No! This is too much! I don't WANT this! Wet boy needs to get his pee-pee ate!"
Vistri drops to her knees, drooling profusely like a komodo dragon.
"Put your corpulent log into my drenched maw!" she begs, "All 24,000 inches!"
"But my penis! It's too big!"
"I don't care how large it is, Astarion! I want to tickle it with my pink lips!" she insists, full of love.
He grabs her head, fingers singing opera in her hair. A German one.
"Give me sucky-sucky."
Vistri looks him deep in the eyes. So deep it rivals the lowest trenches of the most bottomless seas.
"I will give you sucky-sucky," she says seriously. It's the most serious thing Vistri has ever said.
She closes her eyes and opens her mouth wide, and in he goes.
And out.
And in.
And so forth. Until his love juice bursts forth like a geyser!
"Ooooohhhhhh GODS! I am having a cum!"
There is a chorus. They are dressed in full church choir costume. They are all Gale.
They sing, "Oooooooooh! GODS! (Goooooooods!) I am!!!!! (Oooooohhh I aaaaammm!) Having aaaaaaaaaaaa (aaaaaaaaaaa) aaaaaaaa cum! (cum cum cum)!"
Vistri swallows all of it. Like Kirby. It turns her into a ball.
Astarion adoringly strokes her face, "My darling little nut sac."
She smiles and the jizz inside her begins to absorb. Gradually, Vistri reshapes from a cum-ball back into her usual form.
"It's because I'm a dragon," she says.
"Yes."
They kiss. It's sweet. The whole chorus of Gales start to jack off.
"Off with you, Chorus-Gale!" Astarion yells, "This is a private moment!"
Vistri stomps her foot, "Let him/them watch!"
Astarion rolls his eyes and sighs obligingly, "Alright. For you, dear."
"Oh! You make me so happy I could cum!"
She does.
So does Chorus-Gale.
And Astarion again.
"Wow! What a party!" someone says.
It's Karlach. But she's turned into a giant chicken. But she also has a large pussy on her chest with large, heavy flaps.
"Behold, Astarion!" Vistri points to Karlach with wonder, "Christ has risen once more!"
Karlach winks, "Christ. Jesus Christ. Shaken, not stirred."
They all start sobbing and cumming so hard. It's so loud and so powerful. It's like a super storm, but horny.
"And that's the true meaning of Easter," Giant-chicken-with-a-huge-pussy/Jesus Christ-Karlach says before making her departure.
Shocked by the holy revelation, Vistri and Astarion turn to one another.
Astarion's voice is shaking when he asks, "Do you know what that means?"
Vistri nods enthusiastically, looking like a slutty bobblehead.
"Yes!"
"How the Easter Bunny lays its eggs?"
"Yes!—The eggs were Withers' big naturals all along!"
Astarion, crying freely, nods, "They were! They were always Withers' big naturals."
They hug, overcome with the revelation of Karlach-chicken-Christ.
"I love you, my cunty medical drip," Astarion coos.
"I love you more, my nifty nipple clamp."