#crack fic

[archenemy-notfound]

I randomly pitched the idea of Berdly finding the death note to my friends and unfortunately they loved it.

[kingofargent]

Divine Armor Evangelion

"...

In front of the remaining four angels stood a humanoid shape. Its torso was triangular and segmented. The limbs were thin, but more angular compared to the angel’s round, clay-doll shaped ones. The not-quite-metal exterior was mainly colored white with small orange accents, except for the bright red crystal that composed its single ‘eye’.

Before the monsters had time to react, The White Nerve Armor rushed forward, swiping at one of the creature’s legs. As it fell, Its face was grabbed and in one fluid motion its whole body was spun in a half circle before being slammed against the ground with a sickening crack.

..."

A vaguely Kamen Rider / Power Rangers inspired AU, where the NERV pilots utilize special devices to transform into the Nerve Shifters!

The chosen children have significantly different origins, and thus are subject to a new, different fate.

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

So this little bugger of a crackfic idea was glued to my brain for the better part of a month, and the more i thought about it the more i saw the potential for an interesting story.

Hope you can get some enjoyment out of it!

[sailorsenshishitposter]

The Adventures of Broccoli Boy Part 46

Part 45 can be read here

Post by @sailorsenshishitposter · 1 image

💬 0  🔁 0  ❤️ 0 · The Adventures of Broccoli Boy Part 45 · Part 44 can be read here 💬 0  🔁 0  ❤️ 0 · The Adventures of Broccoli Boy Part 44 

"THE DEAL'S OFF!"

"Why are you dressed like your father?"

Broly stormed back home, only to run into a group of confused villains that he unfortunately lived with.

"Move past that already! Unless you're my old man, then you can beat it!"

The gang spoke in hushed whispers.

"I guess that explains why Paragus is nearly nude and sporting a black eye..."

"Should we put him in a healing tank?"

"Raditz, you idiot! You know that we don't have those!"

"Well, what else are we supposed to do? Put him to bed and nurse him back to health!?"

They then all looked at Black.

"For the last time, just because I enjoy cooking, that doesn't mean you all can treat me as a maid!"

----------

Unbeknownst to them, a stranger lurking outside happened to hear their conversation.

"A maid hmm. That gives me an idea..."

----------

After debating over what to do about their landlord, the tenants just gave Paragus to Krang. They figured the octopus would know what to do with the one eyed man. Besides, it was dinner time and they didn't want to delay it any longer. While Black was at the oven, he heard his phone start to ring.

"Blasted mortal inventions! Can one of you ningens get it?"

"You can't keep using that word on us!"

"Yes I can, I'm Goku Black! Even if I'm stuck in human flesh, I'm still a God! Now will you answer the phone or do I need to bring the scythe out!?"

"I'll get it..."

Turles was currently left with nothing else to do after his failure to show his roommates that infamous shock video.

"Yello?"

Without checking the ID, he answered the call.

"May I speak to Black?"

"Who is this?"

"...And just who exactly am I speaking with?"

"Turles. It's actually Tullece but everyone just calls me-"

"I don't care!-"

The stranger then composed themselves.

"My apologies... I'm calling about that contest-"

"What contest?"

"...Is that really important?..."

"Yes."

"You know, I would really be much more comfortable with Mr. Black on the phone..."

"Too bad cause he's busy."

"...How else am I supposed to tell him when to pick up his prize-"

"Prize? What prize? Is it good?"

"I can assure you that Black will love it! I just need him to reach this address-"

"Whatever you need signed, I'll do it, just drop it off here!"

"My... Persistent aren't we?"

"What can I say, I'm just a guy who likes treasure!"

"..."

"Hello?"

There was just a dial tone coming from the other end now.

"Eh, I'm sure it's fine!"

- Meanwhile on the other end -

"Fine! If I can't get Black to see me than I'll just  have to go visit him!"

----------

"Did you guys hear that?"

"Oh boy, my package!"

Turles rushed outside and saw a crude, cardboard box on the door step.

"Man, that was fast!"

Hey went back inside and placed it on the table.

"What is that you're holding?"

"Dunno Bojack, guess we're gonna find out!"

Right as he was about to open it, the lid flew open and the content came out.

"What the?"

"Is that fucking Zamasu!?"

The God stood on the table, scowling down at Turles.

"I thought this was supposed to be a present!"

"IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR BLACK, NOT YOU!"

The green kai was dressed in a French dress, with a choker, black high heels and lace fishnet stockings.

"Ooooohhh, that's why you kept wanting me to put him on the phone-"

"YES!"

The loud noise was now attracting other members of the household.

"Can you cut it with the shouting!? If Broly wakes up then we're doom- ...Zamasu?"

"It's so good to see you!"

"I don't understand, how did you even manage to find me!?"

"I put a tracker on your phone. Mortal technology was never your strong suit."

"You shouldn't be here!"

"I know... I've thought about what you said and you're right. I've decided to let you eat food-"

"The fuck does he mean by decided!?"

"That's not going to make me change my mind."

"What if I served you wearing just this?"

"Don't do it Black! Hoes before bros!"

"That's right! If she breathes, she's a thot!"

Turles and Bojack then looked at each other.

"Wait, isn't Zamasu gay?"

"But I thought the kais were non binary? They come from trees right?"

"But then why would Arinsu have boobs?"

"You know what, I'm done here. My brain can only think so much at a time!"

"Screw it, why don't we get drunk and marathon Pirates of the Caribbean?"

Turles gave Bojack the manliest hug of all time.

"You know me so well man!"

The two Gods watched as they held hands while chanting merry sea shanties. They then waited for the mortals to leave the room.

"I'm glad that nonsense is over with!"

"So what do you say Black? Will you take me back?"

"I'd like to but I'm currently living here and I doubt that you would be able to room with me..."

"I know a simple solution."

"What do you have in mind?"

"Let's fuse! That way we can be together and it will still work out!"

"I love you!"

"I love you more!"

They then touched tips and became one. Fused Zamasu was looking at his body when he felt his hand clamp over his mouth.

"It seems that I have the sudden urge to vomit an entire months worth of meat!"

[sageera]

dear sage... have you read this? https://archiveofourown.org/works/82272431

if you don't please do, I want someone else to experience this too 😭

is this like reality, are we really human? or are we just members?

I'M CRYING. NOTHING. LITERALLY NOTHING COULD HAVE FUCKING PREPARED ME FOR THIS. I EXPECTED ANGST I EXPECTED ANY OTHER CONCEPT. BUT THIS????? now everyone else has to read it, I'm not suffering alone. If you truly loved me you'd READ IT TOO. you MY FRIEND, ARE GETTING NUKED!!!!!!/j https://archiveofourown.org/works/82272431?view_adult=true

[c0smic-eyes01]

Welcome to the World Baby Sonstarlet

Notes: I'm sleep deprived, this popped into my head, I wrote it, and now I'm sharing it with you

Consider yourself very lucky

There’s a moment when you hold your child for the first time, that everything comes to focus like it never has before.

The rest of the noise fades out, the beeping of the hospital machines. Your boyfriend’s grumbles that he would like the baby back now. The nurse asking if you’d like something to eat. The rest of the room fades away; it’s just you and your newborn.

Shiro can’t believe that this tiny little thing that he hold in his arms was the red screaming mess covered in blood and guts just an hour ago. Clearly there was a switch. This baby is peacefully napping, it’s head titled in the crook of his arm, not making a single sound.

Jean-Paul gripes from the bed. “Shiro, I said—”

“I heard you the first time.” Shiro tells him. “Give me a minute, I would like to hold my son now.”

“You’ve had him forever.”

“I’ve only had him in my arms for five minutes, you held him for at least forty.” Shiro snaps. “Technically you got to have him for nine months.”

“Along with him I had morning sickness, headaches, and every time I so much as sneezed he’d kick me in the bladder.” Jean-Paul complains. “I don’t see him trying to punch you.”

Shiro opts to ignore Jean-Paul’s complaints in favor of focusing on his son.

His son.

He has a son now.

He never imagined that a possibility, holding a little Shiro against his chest.

He also never imagined how tiny that baby would be. Of course, he knew his child would be small, but when he glanced at its teeny, little nose, it’s small feet, and it’s itty-bitty fingers, he realized just how fragile this little creature was.

It was impossible to imagine himself as resembling this creature in the slightest. Surely there was never a time when Shiro was that small. That innocent. That defenseless.

He holds the baby a little closer, he lets out a small wine as it’s body rubs against his father’s chest. Thankfully, it falls asleep right after.

“He really does look a lot like you.” The nurse comments as she hands Jean-Paul a cup of water.

“No, he doesn’t.” Jean-Paul sets his cup down.

“Yes, he does.” Shiro retorts.

“It’s too early to even tell.”

“He might be an hour old, but he has the same dark eyes as me,” Shiro lists. “Same ears, same nose…”

“Same giant forehead.” Jean-Paul cracks a smile and takes a sip of his drink.

“I’m going to assume that’s the drugs talking.”

“The drugs wore off an hour ago.”

“So,” The nurse attempts to break the tension as she writes something down on Jean-Paul’s chart. “What are you naming him?”

Jean-Paul and Shiro freeze at the exact same time, they both turn to stare at each other.

In the hustle of finding out Jean-Paul was pregnant, debating if they were going to keep the baby, and deciding that they were going to have the baby. The last few months of their lives had been hectic to say the least.

Arguing over where the baby was going to be born and then finding somewhere to live took at least two months. Once that was decided they rest of their time was spent with dozens of doctor’s appointments, getting baby clothes, setting up it’s room. In all that chaos the discussions of what to name their child never came up.

Shiro stares back down at his son, the little boy opens his eyes for the second time that day. It’s dark eyes meet Shiro’s, burning as intensely and fiercely as flames.

With that Shiro knows exactly what to name him.

“Sonfire.” He answers.

“Sonfire” let’s out a yawn, sweet and simple as his little arms curl out of his blanket to brush against Shiro’s arm.

Every hair on Shiro’s arm stands up, but he gives his child a soft smile as he tucks “Sonfire’s” arm back into the blanket.

“No, absolutely not!” Jean-Paul protests loudly, running a rather touching moment. “You are not naming my baby Sunfire.”

“No, Sonfire.” Shiro explains.

“Sonfire?” Jean-Paul’s eyebrow arches. “As in  S-O-N-F-I-R-E.”

“Yes.”

“Give me my son!”

Jean-Paul yanks “Sonfire” out of Shiro’s arms. The sudden movement startles the baby and he let’s out a wail. Brand new tears gushing out of his eyes as Jean-Paul cradles him to his chest.

“It’s a good name.”

“It is a terrible name!” Jean-Paul snaps.

“No-longer-Sonfire” lets out a wail, screaming as Jean-Paul begins to rock him.

“Poor little, Jean-Louis.” Jean-Paul coos. “Already traumatized and you haven’t even been alive a full hour.”

He glares directly at Shiro as he says that last part, “Jean-Louis” begins to calm down as his papa rocks him.

“Jean-Louis?” Shiro asks. “No.”

“Why not?” Jean-Paul asks. “It’s leagues better than Sonfire.”

“The L sound doesn’t exist in Japanese.” Shiro tells him.

“Jean-Marc then.”  

“No.”

“Would you like a minute before filling out the birth certificate?” The nurse glances up from her chart. “Or…”

“No, no, no.” Shiro says. “Give us a minute we’ll come up with a name.”

“We’ve already come up with a name, Jean-Marc.” Jean-Pual insists. “Give me the birth certificate and I’ll fill it out.”

“Northstar, that child is also mine, I have a right in deciding what his name is going to be!”

“Don’t call me that!”

Shiro groans and tilts his head back, pressing his fingers to his nose he suggests. “Ryūnosuke!”  

“No.”

“Jean-Adrian.”

“Eiji.”

“Jean-Julien.”

“Katsuo.”

“Jean-Gabriel.”

“Fumio.”

“Jean-Nicolas!”

“Masahiro!”

“Jean-Gilberte!”

“Hiraku.”

“Jean-Baptiste-Antione.”

“Now you are just making up names to make me mad!”

This goes on for a good thirty minutes, Sonfire—Jean-Louis—Jean-Marc— Ryūnosuke—Jean-Adrian—Eiji—Jean-Julien—Katsuo—Jean-Gabriel—Fumio—Jean-Nicolas—Masahiro—Jean-Gilberte—Hiraku—Jean-Baptiste-Antione watching as his father’s bicker over his name.

“I’m still fond of Jean-Louis.” Jean-Paul says.

“And I already told you we’re not naming him Jean-Louis.” Shiro tells him. “So pick a different name: Ryūnosuke, Ichirou, or Shiro.”

“We are not naming the kid after you!”

“All of your names have been Jean something!”

The nurse had long since left, leaving the two new fathers alone to argue over something they should’ve decided on a month ago at minimum.

“Fine, how about Raymonde, there I’m giving up the J’s completely.”

“Raymonde” lets out a babble as if to agree, he curls into Jean-Paul’s arms happily.

Shiro shakes his head. “Ryūnosuke.”

“Ryūnosuke” begins to whine, tired and exhausted over a debate he can’t really understand.

“You’re making him cry.” Jean-Paul snaps.

He begins to rock the baby, whispering in it’s ear in hopes to quell it’s cries.

“You do not get to blame this on me; he’s two hours old he fusses over everything.” The new father looks sadly down at his son and runs a hand over his head.

‘I’m want this over with too.’ He thinks. ‘Just tell your papa to stop being so stubborn!’

The door opens as Raymonde begins to calm down. “Monsieur,” She says. “You have visitors Mademoiselle Beaubier and Mademoiselle Yashida want to meet their nephew.”

Pushing past the nurse is Jeanne-Marie with a small teddy bear, following her is Mariko who clutches a bouquet of flowers.

“Hello,” Jeanne-Marie wraps her arms around her brother. “Is this him?”

“Say hi your nephew.” Jean-Paul holds up the baby for Jeanne-Marie to see. “Mon amour this is your Tante Jeanne-Marie.”

“You're so cute." Jeanne-Marie smiles at him.

The baby coos happily as Jean-Paul hands him over to his sister.

He leans back and stares at the bouquet sitting on his table.

“These are very nice flowers, Mariko.” Jean-Paul says.

“I’m glad you like them, Jean-Paul.” She smiles.

“Where’s Amiko?” Shiro asks.

“Downstairs with her father.” Mariko says. “They’re getting something from the vending machine, but she looks forward to meeting her cousin.”

Jeanne-Marie walks over to Mariko. “Do you want a turn?”

“Yes, please.” Mariko carefully cradles the baby’s head. He closes his eyes gently as she gently rocks him.

“So?” Jeanne-Marie asks her brother. “What did you name him?”

“Yes, I spoke to Shiro on the phone so many times, but I don’t think he ever mentioned a name.” Mariko remarks. “What are you calling him?”

The women watch in horror as both men give completely different answers.

[elronds-library]

Metrology

by InfiniteRiver (@infiniteriver)

Seven gifts (of questionable usefulness) that Annatar would have offered to the Realm of Lindon.

General, No Archive Warnings

Words: 2,232

[lululuzzz08]

Lululuzzz steps onto the stage, they nervously fidget with their hands and look around at the audience, she walks to the center of the stage towards the microphone. Trembling as she grab the microphone from its stand, she brings it to her lips. Taking a breath— preparing for her demise, the crowd seems to be holding their breath, there are people praying and children who were running around mere seconds ago stop to look at the brown haired speaker. Wanting to get it over with she quickly bursts out her crime “All of my original characters have she or they in their pronouns and i’ve never had trouble making the stories in my head interesting!” before becoming pale and taking a few quick steps back. The crowd gasps. People faint and everything dissolves into an uproar. Children crying and running around.

Somebody shouts “I bet those bangs are grown out micro bangs!”. A white haired lady at the front starts throwing tomatoes after hearing that. All of their faces enraged or confused. “But how is that even POSSIBLE?!” A woman in a long skirt wonders out loud. A man at the back clenches his fists, probably mumbling about the problematic youth.

Frightened, Lululuzzz stumbles away from the stage, eyes burning and clothes covered with tomatoes but stops at the stairs when a cloaked figure enters the room… “Wait! They’re right!” The crowd looks back at the mysterious person. It’s DANA TERRACE!

@danaterrace

[pearlflavoured]

love writing crack longfic because I can be 200k words deep writing about serious consequences and life or death decisions and in the same chapter I can insert html audio player of the vine boom noise.