#crack fic

[chaotic-entitled-alignment]

Was rewatching kingsmen movies while going through my closet and au where Shane goes to Wimbledon and meets the Swedish princess and it’s the same princess she’s flirting with Shane and offers anal but Shane misunderstood and is like yeah sure you can peg me so that’s how Shane gets in to a trashy magazine twice like princess of Sweden and the prince of the ice going hot and heavy and then not too long later hockeys golden boy ditches royalty for Hollywood sweetheart rose Landry and Ilya is truly in hell

[fujorina2shy]

crybabyvalko! x MCreader! (I guess lowkey? Kinda crack tho)

second drabble, this one’s really just a self indulgence lol. It is Valko x reader but lowk, but you know it’s more crack and fluffy than romantic. I jus think Valko would be so devoted and caring liked he’d worry so much…infold istg💔💔💔 he’ll be back tho trust trust(i hope) wc: 500~

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If you told your past self that the intimidating man you met that night on the rooftop would be curled in your arms crying and whimpering like a pup while you sat in a hospital bed, you would've thought you lost it. This time for real. But alas here you are consoling a 26 year old man because you “got hurt” and he's convinced himself you're on death's door.

“Babe I promise it’s not that bad I just sprained my foot”

“sniff–I don’t believe you–sniff”

You really can’t help but chuckle at his state, it's too cute. Valko’s ears are pressed flat against his head, his tail is wrapped around you so tight you might pop and his face… eyes all puffy and red from crying. Zayne stood behind him with the most repulsed expression on his face, he was also worried when you came on saying your foot hurt but a quick examination proved that it was just a minor sprain… however you were currently regretting your choice of having Valko as your emergency contact. 

“She's not dying…it’s a minor lateral ankle sprain, she'll be fine in a week or two.”

“You don’t know that! sniff–What if she's downplaying her pain so we don't get worried and really she's about to go cardiovascular collapse because it hurts so much–hic.”

In your many years of knowing Zayne no one made the vein in his forehead pop more than Valko, the wolfman always found new ways to test Zayne's patience. You sighed gently, rubbing Valko’s back as he sniffled into your chest, completely distraught by the situation. A situation which would not have happened if Valko didn't leave your snacks on the top shelves when he came over, because low and behold you fell trying to get them.

“It’s highly unlikely for her to go into cardiovascular collapse considering that her leg is intact and her heart rate is normal. As this is my profession I would expect you to trust my judgement.”

“He’s right Val’ I’m okay, I promise”

Valko looks up at you, fat tears rolling down his cheeks pooling in your palms as you cup his face. He looks far too cute like this… almost makes you wonder…what else makes this absolute unit of a man cry. His voice is shaky when he speaks and breaks through his hiccups.

“hic–you really promise you're okay?"

“Really, I'll make sure to take care of my ankle so it heals quickly too.”

“hic–m’kay–hic–I believe you…”

You smiled knowing that you'd tease him relentlessly later… your train of thought was very rudely interputted when the door of your hospital room swung open with a monstrous amount of force. Revealing Linkon’s one and only Colonel Caleb Xia of the Farspace Fleet. His face was pale and he was crying too… if there was anyone in the world more dramatic than valko when you got hurt it was Caleb. Without a doubt it was Caleb…unfortunately it seemed you wouldn't be going home anytime soon.

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Thank you so much for reading! Hope you enjoyed. Ugh I love Valko so much I just know he’d be so doting…💔💔💔 I’ve see the Zayne and Valko being friends thing on twt and think their dynamic would be so cute, Valko a cutie always tho. Again this one turned out more crack than romantic lmao!

[the-ms-meep]

I'm back on my bullshit, i.e. working on So Complex I Gave My Therapist A Complex instead of anything people are actually reading. :p

In the upcoming installment, Akira makes his move on Iwai. Little snippet below for my bad-decisions enjoyers.

Akira turned to flash him a grin. “This isn’t the part where you tell me I know too much and throw me off the mountain, is it?” 

“Nah, you passed knowin’ too much a couple months ago,” Iwai laughed. He dropped a heavy hand on Akira’s shoulder. “Seriously though, you’ve been a big help. I’m grateful.” 

A jolt went through Akira, like the feeling he got in a Palace when it was the perfect time to ambush a shadow. This was it. There would never be a better chance to make his move. 

“There’s one more thing I want to know.” 

“What’s that?” Iwai went tense as Akira leaned in close, rising slightly on his toes. “Kid, I don’t think–”

Akira reached up and plucked the ever-present lollipop from Iwai's mouth. He brought it to his own and gave it a showy lick, wrapping his tongue around it like he was tasting an exotic delicacy. “Mmm, cherry.”

[armpitsniffer420]

So um, update they fucked

There is Gaylord Mansex (pink hair)

And Venus (black hair)

So um yeh I mean Maria is a mommy dom but whatever this works too

[k-h0neyy]

Rating the Blue Lock boys’ potential as Kpop idols (Idol AU):

part 2!

Loki: 8/10

Mbappe oppa 🥹 (you saw this one coming didn’t you)

He’s the cutest ever I love him so much

Gets asked to do partnerships the most since he’s probably the most brand safe member

Loves airport appearances for the fans but hates them because the whole team wants to act a damn fool. He almost lost Rin because he passed out and Shidou left him where he was

Gets asked to perform aegyo the most on variety shows

Sorry can you tell I like Mbappe 😞

Hugo: 8/10

Absolute beefcake. That’s all I’ll say

Also his name is literally perfect for a Kpop idol like yes Vivian Hugo sunbaenim

I feel like his whole aptitude and destiny philosophy aligns so perfectly with the Kpop training system

Says “beep beep” when he wants to politely tell a staff member to move or alert the members to fix formations

He said “beep beep” at a radio show and it got edited over the “beep beep” in Itzy’s icy 😭

Sendou: 7/10

Gorgeous and talented but can he PLEASE be less thirsty omg

1000% a Music Bank MC and has fallen for all of the girls he’s MC’d with. There are compilations titled “Kpop idols folding under zero pressure” and he’s in every single one of them

Despite this, he’s terrified of Dispatch (Korean news service that exposes idols for dating)

Star quality through the roof

Bachira: 7/10

Main dancer for sure

Has AMAZING star quality, but scared tf outta the other trainees by mentioning his monster

Everyone’s ult bias. Even if they don’t stan the group, they still stan Bachira

Begged the merch department to release plushies of the members in honor of their first comeback

Hugged Isagi one too many times at an awards show cause he missed him

Ness: 6/10

Like Kaiser, good visuals, but would need media training to control his jealousy

Would literally be seething if the stylists decided the match the colors of Kaiser’s outfit to Isagi’s and not his

Violently sobs when he meets fans and they tell him he inspires them

Leaks Isagi’s fugly predebut photos from his parents’ Facebook

Forced to do lives with Kaiser to prevent him from trauma dumping to their fans

Shidou: 5/10

Honestly 50/50 with him because he’s so funny but HE IS NOT BRAND SAFE AT ALL

Actually obsessed with the Riku shake and youngho bounce (management had to tell him to stop)

He would get on Ig live at night and when he starts getting bored he’d say “Guys… isn’t it so romantic that we’re all here at the same time?” and then chat starts clowning him

Got told off by the PR team (Loki) for saying “Oh em gee aren’t we literally Nikocado and Orlin right now” while doing a mukbang livestream with Charles

[8lcd]

Me: man what where the 90s era comics on *remembers crack tag* ohhh literally

[cicada-swarm]

John Arbuckle and Megamind ship crack fic rapidly becoming unironic

[ri4naaa]

jeff the killer x reader ig????

does this even count....... cw sligjt;y suggestive (mentions jerking it)

a/n: this is the first and last fic any of you are getting from me unless i build the courage within the next like 5 yrs ,,,, enjoy the slop