#ehaan

[morbidmacabremin]

When you've lost as much as I have, some days it becomes hard to imagine your life differently. What if I hadn't lost you? What if I had chosen to keep you? What if your father actually stuck around? What if you weren't conceived with regret and fear? What if I had met you? What if I will ever meet you? What if you had brought us closer? What if my entire life wasn't ripped apart when I lost you?

I hate it when people bring up anything related to pregnancies or protection because I never had a choice with what was happening to my body. All 3 of the times, I very openly addressed the concern of not using protection but I was told it won't be a problem. I never had a say in what was being done to me and most days I beat myself up about not being strong enough to say no and leave. With him, I felt nothing anymore. It was the 3rd time and I knew I had to take care of my physical health myself because nobody else would. I hate what had happened and I hate that I have to talk about it all in therapy.

No one gets it, really, no one does. They can empathise, yes. But no one can feel the pain of having to hear a heartbeat on an ultrasound knowing you'll never hear it again. No one can understand what it feels like to sit on your bathroom floor cutting ultrasound pictures and drinking the strongest alcohol to get rid of feeling anything. No one knows the months I've spent holding myself and my tummy ‐ singing lullabies and then crying myself to sleep.

None of it makes sense. No, I don't want to talk about it with a man who has never felt this way. No, I don't want to talk about reproductive rights when I didn't have any. No, I don't want to talk about abortion laws or pro-life or pro-choice. No, I don't want to talk about how cradling a child is the best feeling ever or knowing that there is nothing stronger and more beautiful than maternal instinct. No, I don't want to talk about body autonomy when I had no control.

I feel like a shitty human being and I know for a fact that I will never be a mom again. I can't even imagine being one and now I just don't want to. I always imagined looking at a pregnancy test and feeling happy, rushing to the love of my life and having him be ecstatic too. For the past 3 times I have felt nothing but fear.

I can't keep doing this. I can't keep feeling this. No, no, not anymore. I just can't do this alone.

[badlydrawnalchemists-blog]

*whispers* could we see some baby pics?

not exactly baby pics (minus Aylin) but like smol gremlin pic. 

[badlydrawnalchemists-blog]

Here’s the gremlins’ family tree. 

[badlydrawnalchemists-blog]

family tree ver 2.0 

because the relatives play some roles in the story might as well put them up here too

[badlydrawnalchemists-blog]

Ehaan’s clothing ref

[badlydrawnalchemists-blog]

Life after Death

At the very top of the Garden's mountain stands Saint Aylin's statue. She oversees Her people from afar with observant eyes sculpted from bronze. Having been placed on such a remote area, isolation was not unfamiliar but it was what Her fleshed self would've wanted, so long She could see oncoming danger, loneliness was a small price to pay. Even Her brothers were placed far from where She stood, but that was alright. She was the Garden's Eagle, and She will stand vigilantly armed at the ready with her bow and arrow.

Saint Vafi's marble statue is crouched knee deep in the clear western sea water, with manta rays often  seen circling around Him as though they were receiving food from His outstretched hands. There was a belief that the manta rays came for his blessing, before going their way to spread the kind intent. His body at one point shone bright white with a tinge of grey hues like the pigeons and doves He would frequently play with, but as time passed His form began to crack on the surface where water does not touch.

Saint Vafa's proud form was made of hardened lava rocks to symbolise the fiery strength that He has given the people, and the same given prowess that pushed His people to advance themselves further. He sits amongst the lava as they flow freely around His shoulders and down to His boots. The rocky structure beneath made Him look like He was seated on a throne. The lava does not harm Him, for they recognizes Him as their own, an unstoppable flow of chaotic fury when faced with too much force.  They  only serve to reflect the light in His sculpted eyes with an intimidating red glow.

Many thought Saint Ehaan's statue would be build in the river where His first husband's ashes were scattered. His stature and placement was the least grand out of the five siblings, only standing half His siblings' size and placed at the Garden's only glass factory. But he was the most difficult to create. His being was made entirely of glass, just like His preferred element in alchemy. Fragile yet sturdy, the position of his statue reflects that with His upper body draped resting against the factory's roof, legs curled in a relaxed position on the ground. His were eyes closed, content and at peace. He looked like a translucent giant, too real to be glass.

The eldest sibling whose name continues to be known only as The Prototype Saint, has His statue build at the very core of the Garden-- Grandmaster Thaqib's atelier courtyard. No one truly knows what material He was created from. Some say the alchemists merely used clay and mud, while others claiming it was a secret mix of rare metal alloys. Whatever they may be, Prototype's passive face showed he cared little for such a trivial matter. Student alchemists dare not look Him in the eyes, His posture resembled that of a harsh professor ready to give a blunt critic to their assignments. In contrast with his rigid stance, His eyes watch the young alchemists come and go at the courtyard with a melancholic expression, distant but caring at the same time.

[badlydrawnalchemists-blog]

Some facts:

- Aylin has never been outside the Garden wall before. 

- Ehaan is the only alchemist who incorporates glass into his alchemy style. 

- The twins’ actual age are 20 but their physical body is 15, they would need to have a new body made soon. 

- Vafi’s the one who made the mountain within the Garden, using alchemy arrays of course. But it was done singlehandedly. 

- When Dhiyah cries, his eyes leak ink instead of tears. A common trait amongst Inkmen. 

- Ekua’s Innocence isn’t completely gone, so she still is technically an accommodater. 

- Muu’s scars were the result of Equivalent Exchange. His left eye isn’t blind either.

[badlydrawnalchemists-blog]

@badlydrawntykimikk exPLAI N YOURSELVESS