#eio speaks

[fataldaye]

the dichotomy between nite being bpd-coded and potentially ocd coded and being severely mental unwell vs daye who does experiences depression but is otherwise mentally healthy

[fataldaye]

oh fuck me it's 3 am again

[fataldaye]

i need to be put down

[fataldaye]

i hate that i get scared to share anything too freaky bc like... most of my mutuals are some of the freakiest beings known to humankind (affectionately)

[fataldaye]

having ocd fucking sucks

[fataldaye]

if my mental health could stop teeter-totting that would actually be great

[fataldaye]

no bc now i'm nite brained and it's 1am and i can't sleep (kinda spoilers ahead ig? mainly regarding his relationships. also it's a whole novel so be warned)

nite only learned "love" in unhealthy ways and like OF COURSE that's going to warp his perception of his relationships with others and even with himself.

like aleah's only way of loving was through obsession and the only affection (if you even want to call it that) she'd show him was through the lens of her obsession. then there was the fact that the servants, tutors, and others never showed him love and if anything showed him nothing but pain. there WAS marcella, his first love, but her love could only be categorized as slightly maternal and she had to keep a distance bc of aleah. and not to mention she was literally his caretaker/nanny so...

the only healthy relationships he had were eventually ripped from him. so like, love to him either means obsessing over someone, loving them from a distance, or knowing expecting they'll leave in some way or other.

that's why i think his relationship to his twin and to his eventual partner is so interesting? he does try to push these ideals onto them- his borderline obsession with daye, and the avoidant (?) attachment he exhibits with his partner (idk if that's the right style but we move).

he's scared he'll lose daye again, that he'll be another lost object in daye's tampered memories. daye already forgot him once, who's to say it won't happen again? and it keeps nite up at night (ha) bc daye is his world, his life, his entire purpose, and he acts like he could survive but it would break him if he was forgotten or discarded by daye. i mean the man literally would not be able to live on if daye died. nite risks his life to find his way back to his other half and what would it mean if daye threw him away? but throughout the entire story daye never gives him a reason to make him think this way. OF COURSE that doesn't stop nite from being overwhelmed by anxiety that any moment daye could change his mind. and while daye DOES change his mind it's him accepting more and more that nite is also his other half, his beloved twin. literally in the story there's a moment where daye is asked what is the one thing he can't live without and he'll eventually come to the realization that it's nite. but that's a whole can of worms for later...

and then there's nite's eventual partner. i'm so extremely biased bc i love these two together more than anything but i honestly don't think there could be anyone better for him. like i don't want to outright say nite is toxic (i've had a few debates with friends over this so i'll leave people to interpret it how they want) but he's that typical case of pushing people away in fear of being hurt and then becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy when they eventually leave bc they can't take it anymore. which is why he never forms relationships with others, keeping it strictly physical, using sex as a release and as a shield. so he tries to do the same with this person, knowing full well they want to sleep with him and wants to use that to his advantage. he gets what he wants and they get what they want.

except it blows up in his face. not to say there aren't people who expect more after nite fucks them but he can end things, get rid of them, whatever it is he needs to do to create that distance.

but that. won't. work.

not with this person. there's too much at stake to just let this person go (especially since daye wouldn't have it and nite will listen to daye first) so he tries the whole "i'm so sorry, this was a mistake, let's pretend it never happened". THAT doesn't work either bc this person calls him out, that it's basically impossible to pretend nothing happened. but nite won't have it bc he can't- won't form a relationship with someone. but he also knows they're right and also, he has repressed desire that seems to well up whenever this person is around. so he decides to just declare their relationship as something purely physical, nothing more. and so they continue in this strange in-between for a while. nite knows the kind of feelings this other person has but nite ignores it like he ignores his own wants/needs. but when nite tries to sleep with others, something not out of the realm of him to do, he finds it extremely difficult. it's not enjoyable and he can only think about one person.

it's terrifying bc he fears what this could mean. if the first 2 check boxes are being ticked off (obsession, it being from a distance), then that can only mean that the 3rd is/will be true too. so now it's time to push, push away. the problem? this person won't let him. like i'm being so for real, nite will say and just about do anything to get this person to leave him, to abandon him. like i'm remembering specifically a comment about only keeping a dick wet -_- but they won't leave. no matter how much nite knows it's for the best bc nite knows what's to come. but they just won't listen to him!!! don't be fooled tho, nite is also secretly happy with the fact that someone is fighting for him and fighting to be WITH him. it's not something he's ever known and it's scary and unfamiliar but god, does a part of him long for it.

idk i feel like i've rambled for wayyy too long so i'm just gonna kinda cut this short but nite really is the oc that i've put way too much thought into.

[fataldaye]

"is it mutual?" i ask knowing full well it's mutual but i can't say it's mutual bc what if it's actually not mutual even though i know it is mutual but they don't know it's mutual but maybe they do know it's mutual but like how can they know it's mutual if i won't say it's mutual but what if-