#eldest born

[hephaestusshield]

man of the house (eldest daughter)

[muskaanayesha]

I am the eldest daughter, which is to say that I am a sponge that absorbs all the trauma of the household. Life is spilt milk and I am a kitchen cloth burnt at the edges. I am falling apart at the corners, threads coming away, rips and ripples like I am torn and trembling in an ocean of nothingness. I am the eldest daughter, which is to say that I empathize with everyone. The love of my life marries someone else, and I find myself hoping that he loves her the same. My brother wishes hell upon me and I toss and turn in my sleep over the tears I saw in his eyes. Life is an accidental fire and I am water. I attempt to stop a tragedy I did not start, to go blindly into a catastrophe that I cannot halt. I am the eldest daughter, which is to say that I am silent in my needs. My father asks me what I'd like to eat and I say that I am not hungry. I will chew on my guilt and swallow my pride before I even think of asking for anything. I buy myself a sweet and nothing tastes as bitter as it. Life is a metaphor for debt and I am drowning in the desire to be as insignificant as possible. I demand nothing and nothing demands me.

[seaweedbrain404]

foreverever - leanna firestone // becoming the lastnames - will wood // thumbs - lucy dacus // matilda - harry styles // summer child - conan gray // mirrorball - taylor swift // eldest daughter - isabel pless // oldest brooke alexx

[dyslexic-dyspraxic]

I don't think there is enough acknowledgement of the trauma of being the eldest because from a very young age, you are made responsible for people frequently not that much younger than you and it is expected from you, your feelings, plans and considerations be damned

If your parents aren't there, you can't just goof off and have fun because you have young children to beware of and make sure they are safe, even though you, yourself are still a young child

You learn to do the chores first and are the one expected to do them and then they don't really care as much about your parents doing the chores because well you're already helping out

If you go anywhere with your family and you decide to go the loo, a small gift shop or anything just on your own and your sibling decides to come with, well know you're responsible for them and you have to make sure they're behaving and they know what they're doing and they're okay

And in all of this, you never really get the choice to say no, your parents have made plans with the expectation that you will be looking after your siblings, so if you say no, you will be inconveniencing them, you'll be ruining their plans, so you just have to say agree, and rearrange your own plans because the parents can't be responsible for their own kids

And it is very traumatising because this is ingrained from a very young and completely expected of the oldest, people go 'oh they're so mature' and celebrate when the oldest sibling is seen looking after their younger siblings but it is a weight on the eldest because they didn't consent to their parents having kids, they haven't consented to looking after their siblings, and they are still a child themselves

These kids are carrying the weight of looking after someone else from the day their younger sibling is born, no matter how young they maybe, you see it even in siblings with only a year between them

These poor kids are bearing responsibilities adult themselves struggle to deal with, and yeah they aren't doing all the parenting but they constantly feel responsible for their siblings, they constantly feel expected to look after someone else, and they're just kids and we celebrate the way they are treated, we celebrate them taking responsibility and they can't escape the trauma

[amuseumofmoments]

Exposing myself when I'm in my poet arch

[muskaanayesha]

Watching the eldest daughter take on the second mother role in a family (cannot interfere, it's a canon event)

[muskaanayesha]

There’s a certain beauty in the idea of becoming. Of turning dust into light. Every eldest daughter knows this process intimately. We learn to piece ourselves together from the expectations of others, shaping identities out of fragments. Sometimes it feels like performance art...playing the obedient daughter, the responsible sister, the quiet dreamer. But beneath all of that, there’s something more. Something raw, something real.

- Seven letters to Saturn.

[muskaanayesha]

There is fire in the distance, enveloping everything in it's way. It's trying to find its path to me. To us. There is I, and another I, and another I too. I am as I am right now, gazing back at myself in a mirror that morphs my reflection. There is me as I was a few years ago, young and angry but silent in my rage. There is a shadow of a girl from a hazy decade and some years ago, watching innocence wave a timid goodbye.

What? What is this? They're pointing at me, crimson faced and frightening in their stance. What is this? Profanations and accusations. They hold their torches, there's hell everywhere. A sparrow nearby flies into my eye. Blinded. What? What is this? They rush by me, whizzing past my ear like flies in mass. They say I am selfish? Selfish? What? What is this? I asked for air to breathe for myself.

Oh, eldest daughter. You do not dare indulge in yourself. You are everyone's healer, everyone's supporter, everyone's lover. You are everything to everyone and nothing to yourself.

Put yourself first. It is but a challenge. Watch the rebellion light up the flame of surprise, shock, disgust as they look at you. You chose yourself? How very selfish of you. How very selfish.