#eli jayne's text posts

[raptorscreeches]

practicing my violin cuz I finally got it back and marked with the fingering positions

cue endless repetitions of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star until I can manage to not make horrible squealing noises when I switch fingers

[raptorscreeches]

I am so frustrated and tired

tired of every time I'm hanging out as part of a group that gets into a discussion about anything SOMEONE ends up interrupting me, talking over me, or ignoring that I've said anything at all. Just because I'm quiet most of the time doesn't fucking mean I don't have anything to say at all, I just don't tend to say anything without knowing what I'm going to say. Or I'm waiting for a lull in the conversation, or thinking of a good way to say what I want to say. Like, speaking up when I'm with friends isn't hard, usually, but the disappointment when they do this is more than it would be if a stranger dismissed me.

I hate feeling ignored and invisible when I'm making an effort to be social and contribute to the group so when this shit happens it only solidifies my decisions on other occasions to sit and ignore the group and play on my phone or read. But then I'm the rude one for not socializing so I can't fucking win. The world and people around me treat me like I'm nonexistent then blame me for when I react to it in a way that makes it someone easier to deal with. 

[raptorscreeches]

Seriously getting tired of your shit, girl...

Well Nico's ex is being snarky-but-vague about him on Facebook, again. Every few days or so she posts something or other referencing him and his behaviour/lack thereof. Well, this time, she's said "Wow...it's amazing how apparently someone who cared so much about you, can just so easily pretend you no longer exist."

Fuck you. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. You. Broke. Up. With. Him. You are the one being a motherfucking yo-yo with him, spitting venom and vitriol one day and making noises about being friends/whatever the next. He's being guarded with her, but I am pretty convinced that she is just trying to sucker him back into her same old shtick and try to use him as an emotional crutch. She's the one that deleted and blocked him on Facebook and cut off all forms of contact. What the hell did you expect to happen? For him to keep trying to contact you after you expressly stated you didn't want contact from him at all? But now, that you "might" want to be friends with him, he's supposed to fall all over himself and prove how much he still cares about you? I think he should be pulling you out of his life by the roots because your shit was toxic and apparently still is. You want boundaries and space to get your head in order, but you want him to read your mind and give you exactly the attention you need, when you want it, in the right amounts, and for the exact amount of time, and anything slightly deviating from that and you'd be whinging about that, too. Oh, and the thing that she's mad that he didn't respond to in a prompt enough manner? Something sent to his Dropbox account, while he was at work. And thus, busy. He can't reliably check his stuff while at work, because it's work. He doesn't always respond to me immediately, she doesn't get higher priority because she wants immediate gratification.

On top of that, I feel weird talking to Nico about this, because, well, she's his ex and I'm sure he feels weird about her to begin with. But she didn't unfriend me or block me, so when she puts up a status that's clearly about him, I don't know what to do except to talk to him. 

And everyone I can rant to about this in real life is incommunicado, sooo I'll rant about it here. 

[raptorscreeches]

New name, darlings!

I've decided to try out a new name, both for myself and my blog. And, since my blog is basically where I keep my gendery stuff, and seeing as I'm mostly keeping that on here, it seems appropriate to make it my blog url as well. I've been wanting to change the name of this blog to something more representative of me, since the old one was a character name for a game I now play only sporadically, and I'm no longer feeling as connected to that character anymore. She was a good part of my life, though. 

So, for now, my name is Eli Jayne. I feel like it's time for me to do this. 

[raptorscreeches]

On my name, or why my nickname is more important than my given name

I don't like my given name, Elizabeth, or the common nicknames Liz and Lizzy. They were used to tease me in middle school (by a boy who may have had a crush on me, but that's irrelevant), so during the end of my 8th grade year, I (with the help of my friends) decided to start going by my first and middle initials, EJ. Over the years, I've gotten all my friends and family to call me by EJ, and whenever I meet new people, I introduce myself as EJ. Inevitably, those new people ask me what it stands for, and I tell them, with the addendum that I don't really like going by my first name. Everybody (with one exception, who you've read about if you read my earlier post) calls me EJ. Even my great-grandma, may she rest in peace, called me EJ til the day she died; she even addressed holiday/birthday cards to me as EJ. 

Now, recent developments in my understanding of myself make me incredibly grateful that I chose EJ over Beth, Betsy, Betty, or anything related. So I'm kind of attached to being called EJ, and dislike it when someone calls me Elizabeth, especially when I've explained that I don't like it. Said recent developments are closely related to my gender identity, which I've been pondering a lot lately. That is a subject for a separate post, though.

However, a new acquaintance from work has decided that he likes to occasionally call me Elizabeth. He thinks it's funny. I give him "the look" every time he does it, which apparently is even more funny. I guess he can't respect me enough to call me by the name I've chosen for myself, even though all my friends and family do. Not even my fiance calls me Elizabeth. 

If everyone who matters in my life calls me EJ, then why the hell does he think he can ignore that, even in jest? I don't even have the words for all the rage this instills in me...

Wonder how he'll like it when I start calling him Munchkin, since he's short (and insecure with it, too). Vengeance! My sister-in-law came up with that one. I love her a little more for that bit of perfection.