When I first read Ethan of Athos I was in middle school and had absolutely zero concept of queerness. It just sailed right over my head (as did most romance) (cough cough foreshadowing) and sure some of that was subtle ‘it’s the 20th century we don’t say that’, but I was particularly thick headed. I mean they basically secured their victory by holding Terrence C’s hand and thinking gay thoughts! Regardless, I got to the climax where Ethan and Eli are shoved in a cramped space, buck naked, left to die. And baby me rolled their eyes and was like ‘ugh now they’re going to kiss and somehow that means they save the day’. And Ethan of course is reacting reasonably to the situation and is scared and slightly disgusted. And then the book ends and they’re just friends and I was left reeling because I didn’t know that was an option. It was that baked in assumption that the boy and girl get together at the end that was truly my only understanding of romance. And for a baby aro/ace, realizing for the first time that romance isn’t just the Herero checkbox needed for the happy ending, well. It was kinda life changing. This seed got planted in my head, even if nothing would come of it for longer still. So, sure it took years and a lot more exposure to queer circles for me to take a double take and go oh my god they’re hom of sexuals, but obviously I was already dense enough to barely understand the hetero relationships shoved down my throat. I still found queerness through it even if it probably wasn’t the intended kind. And that was incredibly important for me.
