DA:I Companions and Their Chances of Being Eaten by Hannibal Lecter
Cassandra: Probably won’t be eaten, due to Hannibal’s Do-You-Remind-Me-Of-My-Mom variance; she’s driven, blunt but sincere, and receptive to courtesy. Hannibal would like her, which might be worse than not being liked, given his track record with people he actually likes.
Leliana: Would almost definitely be eaten. Too much interesting stuff under all that red hair, but not enough to merit her survival. He’d play with his food, but it would get eaten in the end, essentially.
Josephine: Hannibal would consider it rude to eat someone so genuinely courteous and sincere. Neither is she interesting enough to merit being eaten. Josie is probably the safest from Hannibal Lecter you can get without being Clarice Starling. He does like her, though.
Cullen: Ok now this one is gonna be kinda 50/50 because the answer depends entirely on two major mitigating factors: first, the amount of access to Cullen’s psyche, and second, Cullen’s receptibility to Hannibal’s inevitable fucking around in his head. See, one of Hannibal’s favorite flavors is trauma, and a man like Cullen — having deep fractures in his psyche besides grappling with his own moral compass — would be absolutely delectable to Hannibal. Depending on these two variances, Cullen rides the tipping point for Hannibal between being Interesting Enough To Eat and Too Interesting To Eat. If the latter, the fate of poor Curly would be arguably worse: Hannibal’s curiosity is even more destructive than his appetite.
Varric: Hannibal would rather not have to kill Varric. If he did, he would consider it a shame. Unfortunately, Varric can get a little nosy, and there stands the chance that he might find out too much, and that would be the end of him. At the very least, Hannibal would be honored to eat him, should that occur.
Dorian: Keep Dorian away from Hannibal Lecter. Remember what I said about trauma being one of Hannibal’s favorite things? Doubly so for family related trauma. Hannibal wouldn’t just eat Dorian, he’d break him, glue him together, then break him again, feed him oysters, and then eat him.
Sera: Definitely would be eaten by Hannibal. Just…she’d be swine to him. Sera is just so much of what Hannibal considers to be ugly – vulgar, rude, arrogant, constantly pranking people, etc. She’d be finger food. Like…an appetizer. That’s how much Hannibal would be offended.
Blackwall: Again, hard to say. It’s possible, but most likely he would be considered Not Interesting Enough to Eat, and since Blackwall’s generally courteous and such he might be in the safe zone. Of course, Hannibal might be able to amuse himself picking at the whole Rainier Revelation for a bit, but honestly he’d find it boring very quickly. Really, he would only kill Blackwall out of boredom, if at all.
Vivienne: Hannibal would 100% most definitely eat Vivienne de Fer. She is everything he likes in a victim: high-class, elegant, beautiful, ambitious, steely, and uses courtesy as a weapon. Being insincerely polite is on equal standing to being rude in Hannibal’s mind, so Hannibal would eat her and make a grand spectacle of it. You can bet she’d wind up an entrée in a five course dinner party given by Hannibal for some of her closest Court associates. That being said, Hannibal wins The Game by default because he does this kind of shit.
Cole: KEEP COLE AWAY FROM HANNIBAL LECTER PLEASE. IT WOULD BE A BAD TIME. WOULDN’T BE EATEN. WORSE THAN BEING EATEN.
Iron Bull: Again…ehhhhh Bull is so straightforward there’s not much Hannibal would be interested in about Bull. He might find Bull rude occasionally, which could merit a place on his table, but it’s only a medial chance.
Solas: Mannnn I don’t….I just don’t fucking know about this one. Probably not eaten, but then Solas has this thing where, like, he knows everything but wants to play it like he doesn’t but he Does. At the same time, Hannibal knows everything because just knowing everything is a state of being for Hannibal The Cannibal. So like….Solas is super interesting??? And maybe not to be eaten??? Solas is very polite, true, but he can be catty. He’s racist, too, which Hannibal is like “sometimes that counts as rude and sometimes it doesn’t.” So???? Idk man it’s not super likely but you never know ‘cause Hannibal could decide he just wants to eat him out of respect for him. Because that is also a thing he would do.
This is your fault somehow. You’re welcome.
DA:I Companions and Their Chances of Being Eaten by Hannibal Lecter
