“You have no immediate family. You don’t even have a dog.” Stratt’s voice echoed across the room. The whole room was staring at me. Actually, the whole world was staring at me. But I repeat: I am NOT an astronaut!
Stratt’s voice finally registered through my brain and a lump formed in my throat. I wanted to tell them. I should’ve told them. But at the end what’s the point? You’re gone. You were gone a long time ago. And deep down I knew even if I told them I had someone, it wouldn’t have made a difference.
I was going to die and Stratt was right.
“Can I think about it?” I asked.
The ground was cold and hard underneath me. The wind was almost razor sharp and there was shouting below as the guards went about their regular duties. Some stood in place looking up at where I was making sure I wouldn’t run away, but I wasn’t paying attention to any of that. I don’t remember when I had climbed up to the roof of the building or how, but that was the least of my concerns right now.
I shivered. But it wasn’t from the cold. My body trembled with heat and hot, steamy tears rolled down my cheeks. My muscles refuse to relax even as my hands grip my hair so tightly it hurts.
Then for some reason I pulled my phone out and I opened up my contacts. I pressed call.
Please leave a message for–
“Hey Colt, it’s me again, Ry–” I sniffed.
“Remember that project I talked about? Well, long story short there was an explosion and our entire science team was killed leaving me as the only backup for the mission.” I sniffed again, trying to steady my breath.
“I mean, technically we do have other backups who actually wants to go on this suicide journey. People who are much–” sniff, “stronger, and– braver than I am.
“But I’m the only person that’s ‘mission ready’... the only person that knows all we need to know about Astrophage. Heck! I’m the world’s leading authority in Astrophage biology, of course they would want me. I even got the coma resistant gene and all! Stupid coincidence. But I’m not ready, Colt.” I start sobbing again.
“I can’t. If I get on that ship, I’m going to die. I don’t want to die, Colt. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t!
“And I know it’s selfish. God, I am so selfish. I’m trading 8 billion lives for one. But I just want to live! Is that so wrong? God, I am so fucking selfish.
“I wish you were here. I wish I could see your stupid, dumb face again. I wish you could tell me I’ll be okay. I wish you were here so I could show them that I have somebody! That I-I have a brother— a twin brother! That I’m not just some expendable nobody…”
I paused for a long second.
“Stratt gave me 3 hours to decide, and there’s– I think– a little more than an hour before I have to convince her to not send me to my death, haha.
I wish I could be braver. I wish I could hop on that ship without hesitation, but I’m not– I can’t. My mind is made up.”
“I know you are never going to hear this but uh– I love you Colt and I miss you everyday. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me, or this world… I just… Just uh– wish me luck! Haha.
I snapped my head back, almost hitting Rocky’s xenonite wall.
“Grace sure? Grace leaky, statement.”
Oh. I hadn’t realized I was actually crying.
“No, yeah I’m fine. I just remembered something.” I swiped the tears away with the palm of my hand.
“Oh, no. No, no… it’s nothing. It’s fine.” I attempted to smile and give a thumbs up, but it was… bad. Hopefully Rocky doesn’t notice.
Rocky did notice, but he didn’t push. He just had his carapace tilted up, like he was staring at me.
“I'm gonna go to sleep,” I said. “We have a lot of time to kill anyway. It’s gonna be a long trip to Erid.”
“Oh okay. Rocky will watch.”
