#emdr intensive

[keepingthehopealive]

EMDR #6 pt 2

I attempted actual EMDR.

After we came back from the short break, I sterted to get super anxious about even trying to do EMDR. It was partially about just not being able to tolerate it or do it, the fear of getting or feeling trapped in it and it being too much and not being able to communicate that or stop it since thats a common feeling for me. ET talked me through what it would look like and explained how it would go. We were using the buzzers for bilateral stimulation, which i know for me is a better option than eye movements since I cant usually keep my head up or maintain eye contact during sessions.

The bigger fear was more about when we actually get to working on addressing the mom stuff though. I expressed how im so afraid to have these conversations and even thoughts because I dont know how it will change things in the relationship (with my mom and others) and the stress in the family if there was that shift. ET is not and has never told me to change my relationship or level of contact with my mother, but its more that I know that the relationship is unhealthy and unhelpful for me and affects everything so im afraid to address and acknowledge things. ET reassured that anxiety that us talking about it or doing something with this does not mean anything needs to or will change and that we are also not making any decisions right now about anything. Im reminding myself that we are doing this work because I am struggling to do therapy and help myself with trusting the people who are trying to help me. The trust, lack of it, is one of the barriers and affects all my relationships too.

It took a bit but we determined a work situation that would be a good "tester" situation/theme to trial doing EMDR with. I took the buzzers and we started to talk about work. She set it up beforehand that we were going to have the scene be a movie on a big screen so we are just watching it as we talk about it and do the EMDR. She had me imagine my dog being next to me since hes a good grounding resource for me but also mentioned that we'll do more work to build up the supporitve resources for doing EMDR. The situation is that were understaffed at work most days so my anxiety builds a lot as im driving in and coming onto my shift knowing were gonna be busy and the assignments will be hard. So I imagined the room where we start our shifts by doing huddle, basically a quick meeting with updates on the unit, hospital, kids, families etc. ET asked about what the belief is that we could use and its the "I cant do this" and just the huge overwhelm of anxiety. I said the replacement belief id like to feel is that im capable of providing good care to the kids even if its stressful, busy and understaffed. We moved on to the somatic sensations which was tightness, particularly in my arms, and freeze. We were doing the bilateral stimuation with the buzzers and I did notice some movement and change in the sensations as the tightness moved down my arms and shifted to a more heaviness.

We somehow ended up in a more parts work approach because we were talking about the "I cant do it" and the overwhelm and she was asking about what the imagry with it was. It was myself curled in a smallest ball/fetal position (which is often how I am in therapy sessions and outside of them) trying to keep myself safe and bringing down the distress. She was coaching me to try to imagine a kind, caring figure comforting me and reassuring me that its ok. For a quick second I actually was imagining my grandmother being the caring figure with me in the room. I wasnt super close to her but she was always a kind caring safe person in my life growing up when I did see her. She used the examples of how i would respond to a baby or kid at work in those moments of dysregulation, so things like physical comfort with touch and holding. My judgemental critic immediate came out strong and blocking it. ET tried to guide me through imagining that part on the other side of a soundproof wall where it could still be there, but didnt need to be involved or control it. That part was too strong though, telling me to get over it, deal with it, grow up and be stronger. It was short lasting before I started to fully panic and wasnt able to seperate from that.

I was spiraling with the shame that I couldnt do it, do the EMDR all the way through, once again. ET tried to normalize that she often does little bits of EMDR intertwined with parts work and then more somatic based regulation skills and was just generally trying to say that it was OK and that we would keep working on it.

Because the imagry of curling up and being in a ball was what we were focusing on, the urge and sensation in my body to physically do the same was so strong and loud and I really struggle to not do it. I expressed that I needed to stop and asked if I could put the buzzers down which ET was fine with so i placed them on the couch. I was able to verbalize the need to curl up but also how I didnt want to do that because it doesnt really help me regulate and usually actually increases the panic, hyperventilating and distress. ET suggested me taking a blanket nd wrapping it around myself and then crossing my arms across my chest and gently rubbing them with the opposite hand to get the bilateral stimulation and I believe some comfort or safety too. I did accept the blanket but had it in my lap and was gripping on to it. ET had her blanket wrapped around her shoulders the way she was trying to encourage me to do, but that felt too hard for me. I also wasnt able to rub my arms or do that piece but i did have one finger that was keeping some movement in my body. These 2 things were also the homework she gave me to try to work on, especially in my therapy with PT. I realized after that I think the main barrier to me even attempting these things is that i cant fathom the thought of comforting or being kind to myself. Its the opposite of what I deserve. And it feels like itll just feed the neediness and the weakness instead of a harsher approach which would stop it.

[keepingthehopealive]

So I had EMDR today (my 10th session which is crazy) and we are changing up our sessions a bit at ET's suggestion.

We were doing 3hr intensive sessions monthly, which is what she mainly offers and does, but today she suggested we do 90 min or 2 hour sessions every 3 weeks instead. So shorter sessions but closer together. The reasoning is to help my nervous system and be able to work with the protective parts better. We did a 2 hour session today and we didnt do any EMDR or parts work even.

A part of me agrees this might be the right step and plan to take as sessions have been getting harder to tolerate and manage as times goes on, which everyone (me, my primary therapist and ET) are all on the same page with why that is. The protective parts and the defenses are doubling down and getting stronger because they feel threatened. So this change is a way to work more closer to a window of tolerance (im never truly within my window of tolerance in a therapy session, or maybe ever) while still being able to do the work. This part felt some big relief and a release at the suggestion of doing this. Also supporting that is when we were talking about something else she mentioned a specific protocol/method of EMDR she wants to do with that belief and part next time as she needs to review it a bit before we do it together. Its something that is EMDR specific for OCD thoughts called distancing approach. So I should really appreciate that she is putting in a lot of work to work with me in the way I need and that is helpful. But of course my brain says no...

The flip side, the part that tends to be and get louder, is that this is a rejection and proof of failure. ET has never, not even today, agreed with me when I talk about how im a failure and can't do EMDR and haven't made progress and have been too weak to do it, but this feels a bit like that. That she is overwhelmed and feeling the hopelessness and defeat so she is just slowly rejecting me and pushing me away. Which is backwards I guess since we're actually increasing our session frequency. She usually does 90 min sessions as a "step down" option from 3 hour intensives, but we're not even close to that point and so this feels like a failure because its more that I cant tolerate it on a nervous system level. I know that this is just that part looking for evidence to support its beliefs and there is likely a high level of distortions and projections at play.

Because of scheduling im actually going to be seeing her in less than 2 weeks before we get on an every 3 week schedule. Next session will be 90 mins but the 2 next ones we book she said she has the flexibility to do 90 min or 2 hours so it can be whatever I need.

[keepingthehopealive]

EMDR #7 pt 2

We attempted to revisit the EMDR we did the previous session and open up a dialouge about it through the parts lens. I was heavily shaming myself for not being able to do it, which ET was responding to with the basic fact that I did do it and that I did try and we did EMDR. She was pushing that we cant dispute that. I said the lasting feeling after was that I didn't do it good enough, the shame and guilt and failure. She did talk through a way we could try to do EMDR without letting the judgements or protective parts into it, but her main response was that this is how it goes with complex protective parts and she is comfortable with and does interweaves of parts work for many reasons, so basically that it isnt a failure because this is the "work".

ET asked about getting the parts of me to start a conversation, using the example of talking about the previous session. She started asking what parts were showing up and we identified the protective parts, the willing part that wants to try and commit to this, critical parts, the OCD and controlling part (that says I can only let the defenses down and do it if it's perfect or clear cut and it knows what its going to look and feel like), the fearful parts, the shame. ET tried to see if we could introduce a mediator for the conversation, a wise part that could be there and help. for some reason this was an absolute wall, an absolute no. I tried to go with it and imagine or "build" this part and ET seemed to try all approaches to get me to be able to do it, and I just couldn't. We ultimately paused on that and this was when we took a break in the session because it was becoming too much. (The sessions are 3 hours so we usually do one 5 to 10 minutes break about halfway through)

When we came back from the break I had shifted out of the freeze a bit by looking at pictures on my phone but when ET started asking about it, I started shame spiraling with not being able to talk about anything positive because its wasting my time and not the point of going to therapy. ET rebuttled that and said thats going to be a big part of our work to build up my tolerance for positive emotions when im so stuck in and used to the shame and pain that I feel. She talked about using flash technique to do some of this since it pulls on the positive feelings and moments to help process and decrease distress. We did not do any in the moment though or in the session.

ET kind of summarized and shared her thoughts on where we go from here and what we focus on, which was building up the wise part to facilitate the internal conversations between parts, interrupting the cycles before I fall into freeze and use those behaviors-ie asking for and communicating my needs before everything shuts down, using flash technique to build upon positive resources and emotions and embodying and working with the anger and activation thats under the surface.

I appreciate how she is willing to lay it out for me and is willing to give the reassurance to me and some hope that we can do this work and that she doesnt see me as difficult or hopeless like I do myself. One other distortion she was challenging is that I have a super rigid view of things being perfect or failure with no in-between which she challenged will always result in failure, never perfection or enough.

[keepingthehopealive]

EMDR #7 pt 1

I took notes on my phone during our break mid session and then wrote some stuff down right after the appointment too, to try to remember a bit more. We didnt do any actual EMDR this session which is always shameful and frustrating for me, but I know its "OK" and still helpful and worth something. It was very parts work heavy.

Gonna split into 2 parts so it's not as long

A big theme and focus of the conversation was about how the therapy work needs to be internal conversations between the parts of myself. ET talked about how I have a very heavily protected system and how the protective, critical parts of me run the show almost all the time. What she encouraged me to try to do was to facilitate a conversation with the protective part to see if there's space for it to step aside and to understand what it is trying to protect me from and do so we can find another way to meet that need or to even address the fear.

This resonates with me and I was trying (and have been trying since) to engage with it and attempt the exercise in the session but it proves to be very challenging. Its challenging to let myself do it and also to fully understand and then articulate what the need and the fear is, because I don't know if I, or any of the parts, truly completely know what it is. Meaning I don't know if that protective part fully knows what its trying to protect me from when it jumps in. I know, and it knows, that the current approach isn't working or moving me in the direction I want to be moving in, and yet I cant out argue this protective part. I also know the point is not to try to out logic this part and that its more about accepting it, listening to it and finding a way to meet all the needs of all the parts of myself. The instant judgement and shame make this feel impossible and adding in the layer of how somatic the experiences are, it's never going to be an easy or simple thing for me.

What im currently working with in what I've been able to identify and then articulate is that the protective part is trying to protect me, and others, from the intensity of my emotions and needs, particularly attachment feelings and needs. Its protecting me from the flooding. I know cognitively there should be a balance of these things, a middle ground of feeling and allowing things without it flooding me or consuming me, and that same goes for attachments and relationships ..i might know this cognitively but I don't actually believe it nor do I have a lived experience of it, so thats a block.

In having this conversation, I started to physically withdraw and started to curl up and hide. ET reflected that she is noticing and feeling that my freeze response and shut down is actually a physical manifestation of a need in the moment, that she thinks it's a need or desire to be rescued. She asked and then strongly encouraged and pushed a bit that its because I am feeling the need for a break and to back off the hard topics and intense conversations. I was immediately feeling the shame and embarassment and self hatred in needing or wanting that, but her arguement was its the way to go forward, by stepping back before it becomes non-optional and out of my conscious and physical control like it does when my body retreats, hides and freezes. She asked if I could ask for that instead of physically and behaviorally communicating it. It took lots of her prompting me in the moment and basically feeding it to me to say "I need a break and to ease off".

I do agree at least partially with this observation and approach, and I don't know what the answer is to how to deal with it because having the underatanding is not the same as being able to overcome what's happening enough to do something different. I actually expressed some anger and frustration about this towards the end of the appointment. We once again came to a place of where we were doing bilateral tapping and trying to hold on to both wanting to work on having conversations with and working with the protective parts and not wanting to do that work or wanting that change. I slightly went off on ET (she had to really encourage and prompt me to do so though) that they are making it seem like it should be this choice that I make and then thats it and I can or should be able to just do the work, that its getting oversimplified and no one is telling me how to actually do it or helping me to do it. Then there is the comparisons that they will never be able to understand or get it and actually help me, fears and believing they are judging me the way I'm judging myself, shame with being a burden and difficult and more. ET commented on the anger, which is a piece we've talked about prior to this and how we have to find a way to embody this anger and the big emotions and get them out. She talked about some different ways we might be able to start to work on it and let it out. I was apologetic and shameful at this point because I did kind of "go off" and expressed the emotions more than I wish I had, but she said that she is not taking it personally or mad about it because she knows these are the conversations that I need to be having internally with myself. I was responding in a pretty extreme physical way to the conversation too, where I was sweating and having muscle twitches, talking louder and faster, and was fighting what she described as my conditioned response of the shut down and collapse. ET said its fighting to get out and how it could actually lead to relief for me if I was able to let it out.

She was actually excited and passionate about working with embodying the anger and emotions. Its another situation where I do agree on a cognitive level and can understand it, but don't know how to bring that to fruition or reality and how or really if im going to be able to do it. So thats a pretty sad hopeless place to be in.

[keepingthehopealive]

EMDR session 6 (pt 1)

This is just part one because its long but was the first half of the session before we actually tried EMDR. I see her again this week so wanted to get this written down before then and hopefully it helps someone for me to share my experiences

Started with small talk but I was already quiet and frozen which ET commented on. She first commented that I didnt have a drink which I normally did, and then that i was much quieter than normal.

We talked a bit about last month and how I felt like it was a failure. ET brought up the first time she asked for percentages of how much of me wants to get better I said 5% and last time I said 20% so that is big progress. She also mentioned that we tried flash technique again and I cut it down and said I couldnt do it and I failed. ET will say that she knows we have a different view and opinion of things instead of arguing back to my beliefs and arguements. I later asked if she ever tells people that EMDR is not for them or gives up on people (because she is a huge advocate for and super passionate about EMDR and has a lot of confidence in her skills and knowledge in general) and she said people usually come to their own conclusion and decide to leave on their own. So she turned it around on me saying ive continued to show up and try.

ET asked about things with PT since we had talked last time about how the freeze has been tough and weve been stuck and the ways we cycle in our sessions. I talked about her kind and gentle responses being so triggering and challenging for me because a part of me wants it and then theres so much shame with that and the part that doesnt want to need it.

This led to a conversation about needs and not getting them met in the right way when I was young. I argued that I did get enough, its just my problem that it was never enough for me and so I shouldnt need or want it now. She said that it will never be the right thing now but it can be something. Her analogy was that it would be like trying to fill a gas tank with diesel, that maybe it was offered to me but it wasnt the right thing so it would have never worked or been enough. Her approach to it was very nonjudgemental and nonshameful which of course was my feelings and reaction. We tried to do an exercise of just sitting with both the wanting the care, validation and support and also the rejecting that happens and the shame with it. I really struggled with the balance of it because of how strong the shame is and how loud that voice is.

ET asked about anger and if it is something I ever feel. I said only internalized and anger at myself, not with others. She pushed that its likely there, that I just dont express it or feel safe expressing it. She talked about there being felt anger towards the attachment figures who havent met my needs; my mom, K, PT, and even her. She talked about how when we grow up constantly having to protect others emotions, its a normal response to become an internalizer. Weve talked quite a bit about my mom but she made an observation that still kind of took me back with the accuracy of it. She started talking about how my mom is an externalizer and asked if theres any part of me that would want to externalize the emotions, the anger, my needs, in a similar way to the way my mom has and does.

ET asked about my mom as a therapist, at least my interpretation. Which might be valid given im pretty much her supervisor and she has no boundaries. It was funny when I said I think my mom is pretty relational in her approach and ET commented how thats ironic given shes not strong with relationships in her life. This conversation led to us talking about how my mistrust with therapist stems a lot from my mom. ET asked if that would be something that I would want to work on with her and EMDR, and talked about how she believes its important, and contributes just as much as the stuff with K (former therapist), especially since it comes before then. I said that yes I would be willing to do it but that also the hopelessness of us knowing that I wont be able to do it and wont be able to tolerate it. ET had this moment of passion and excitment about it and said she is so down to do this and wants to help me with it. One thing is for sure is she is very very passionate about EMDR and her work.

ET talked about how we could approach it two ways. We could do flaah technique or like a different form of EMDR that would be a little less intense for me to bring the intensity of it down so we could do full EMDR with it, or we could try doing EMDR with something unrelated and not as activating for me to just have the experience of what its like to do EMDR and what its like to bring down the distress with something through EMDR, to have that positive experience wirh it so we can get to this stuff when im more ready. That was what we agreed to do ultimately and it was almost exactly halfway through the session so we took a short break before jumping into it.

[keepingthehopealive]

EMDR #5

This was Januarys session so I dont remember too much and it was definitely not as productive of a session so I left feeling more discouraged and didnt write anything down

I dont remember a ton about this session because it was now 2 months ago and ive had a hard time getting myself to write about it.

I know it overall felt a bit more discouraging, that the freeze was worse than it was in the previous session. This speaks to the fact that im getting more comfortable with her and with what to expect in our sessions, and that triggers the unsafety (safety and attachement is unsafe) and shut down much worse.

we somehow ended up on the belief of "I cant" and how that goes all the way to "I cant try". ET asked how young that belief is (i think we said like as young as 5 or 6 i can remember feeling this way) and we explored a bit how it came from outside messages and restrictions on me. She hesitated a bit (knowing I might feel it as a judgement) to say its learned helplessness.

I know we tried a more IFS activity again with trying to give the critical part its own room and safe space and then let other parts of me talk and be in control. I think ive made improvements in at least being able to imagine it and try it, I still am not able to let myself fully do it or go there. The critical part is still too loud and overpowering to let anything else happen. Its a huge, very frustrating barrier and contributes and leads to the freeze and shut down that happens too as it becomes such an overwhelming

She asked at some point how much of me wants to get better and work on things and I must have said 20%. I try to just answer in the moment before overthinking it, before the fears or anxieties come in and change things. We talked about what the fears are with things changing or improving, what the fears are with me even imagining feeling better and different. I realized after that its just still hard to connect with the fears because other protective feelings and parts block it and come in full swing. I can identify that im afraid to get better and to not get better and fail, afraid to feel differently afraid of what itll mean, but it still feels like that doesnt describe it or its not quite enough or accurate or true, or just that it goes much deeper than that and I dont have the words or way to describe what that piece is.

We attempted to do flash technique with the same memory as last time (termination session with K) but i wasnt able to maintain it or do it. The activation started at a nine I think, which was higher than we had gotten it to last time, but I struggled to be able to regulate enough to do it so I dont think I ever even "flashed" back to the memory or image as I was struggling to talk with her about whatever the easy topic was. I ended up fully collapsing and curling into a ball, which is the first time Ive done that in an EMDR session with her.

ET responded to the dysregulation in a helpful but pretty non threatening way. She just started talking through her own breathing and regulating herself but she wasnt asking me to do it myself. She moved towards asking if I could try to take longer breaths as hyperventilating often happens for me in the freeze and dysregulation, and eventually as I usually do, I reach a point where I snap out of it and it was the end of session at this point so I was able to regulate for a minute and then leave which is helpful because I feel so shameful for what happens that I was glad I could get out of it.

[keepingthehopealive]

I had EMDR today, our 6th session. I never ended up writing about the one from last month, partially because of my busy schedule, but mostly avoidance. Last session felt more disappointing for me, I felt that I didn't accomplish or do anything productive and that I was bad. The freeze and struggles to talk and communicate was significantly stronger and louder and I felt like an utter failure. There were still some things that were helpful or productive, so I might try to spend some time thinking about and writing about it. I know it'll later really bother me if I dont.

Anyways...today was something. It was definitely more 'productive', although I do still feel like a failure and the hopelessness. We attempted actual EMDR today and I couldn't really do it but we at least tried? I don't feel that, but I know thats kind of the facts, even if my inner voice is just stuck in "I failed" and I couldn't do it, this is hopeless, I'm a failure etc etc. I did attempt it and it was very intense what happened for me in trying to do it, so we did have to pull back and then trying to cope after and regulate was hard, but I also tried my best to listen and stay with her and try to do what I could to help myself in that moment.

My nervous system is absolutley shot right now. Im glad I have another day off work tomorrow and see my primary therapist as well.

I'll write more later when im able to but right now I have a wicked headache and probably need to focus on some relaxation and calming my system.

[keepingthehopealive]

EMDR session #2. Taking what i sent to PT after the session.

ET-emdr therapist

PT-primary therapist

When I went in, ET asked how the last 3 weeks had been and I said "a shit show" which she laughed but then asked more about. I briefly touched on some medical stuff I'm dealing with and then some stuff with my animals stressing me out.

ET asked if we could talk more about the relationship with my mom since we started to touch on it last time. That relationship and dynamics was already really activated because of the session I had with PT a few days prior where it came up (+ an upcoming visit with mom). I said how the compassionate response in childhood probably would have been that my needs were different than my sisters versus the response and narrative I got of youre needy, dependent, too much and the accompanying shame. ET asked what it would have felt like to hear that as a child or even how it felt now to say and hear that. I said it felt like a vice around my body, restriction and tightness and the freeze.

I talked about how the self hatred really goes back to infancy. Not in a cognitive way, but that when I look at baby pictures of myself as a baby all I feel is disgust and judgement, mainly "I've always been ugly" and watching videos of myself as a young toddler/child (my mom videoed our childhood and then it was something we watched a lot too) how annoying I was, too much, how bad my anxiety was even at a really young age etc. I know these narratives come from my mom, she makes these comments constantly. Its sad and pathetic though. I think of the babies in the NICU or at work now, even the most difficult, exhausting toddlers, and can never fathom feeling this way about them, yet I cant disconnect these feelings when it comes to myself.

We talked about my therapy history with K, P, L and my current therapist PT and those relationships. ET was saying how I needed the relational and attachment work and how K ended up reinacting my mom. When I argued that I shouldn't need it now, and need to do it for myself, ET said the young wounded child part of me needs it and that the adult me wants to be able to do it for myself and by myself, like to find safety in my body and in myself versus through relationships and others, particularly in therapy. She asked about talking to that part directly, which was really challenging and she validated that most of me couldn't hear it because of the protective parts. ET said she isn't trying to get rid of those protective parts, just wants to work with them directly.

The biggest theme of the session was my disorganized attachment, starting with my mom. With the lens of parts work, she talked a lot about how strong my protective parts are, that im a "super well protected" system. Im able to conceptulize it, but the freeze, shame and other shields come up immediately when trying to feel it in my body or apply it to myself from an empathetic view. She talked about the shame as the "monster within". 

In terms of how I was in the appointment, it felt different than last time in that I was able to be a bit more open with what I was thinking and experiencing in response to her. She is heavy on psychoeducation, which is fine and I do appreciate and find interesting, but I was more open about what I was able to hear or accept and what I wasn't. I struggled more this appointment with talking and my voice and the freeze, in different ways than last time. At one point I was completely collapsed and curled up and was shame spiraling. ET had to go to the bathroom anyway so we used that as a break and it helped in that I was able to uncurl a bit once I was alone for a minute. 

ET does a lot of bringing attention to my body and how im experiencing things, which is newer for me in therapy and is where I really struggle, dropping out of the cognitive intellectualizing and into my body and somatic experience of things.

If we view it from this lens then I think the struggle with the fact that not only do ET and PT see the child part that's struggling but theyre compassionate towards it and trying to work with it, when Im only working against it. thats what I've been told and taught to do from the time I was that child. So it makes sense that I feel like PT treats me like a child or as weak because they are seeing and working with a different part of me.

Its hard enough to intelluctalize it this way, but when I try to experience and feel it somatically, its impossible. ET would talk about ways that doing EMDR can help get there, which was triggering a lot of shame in the moment of how Im not even able to try it or do it, because all we did was talk and I could answer questions and intelluctually talk about things, but when it came to doing anything physical or active, i tried a few times but could not do it. She said that we were still doing EMDR because we are doing the first steps of history taking and resourcing and talked about how sometimes EMDR ends up very "front loaded" with the work and other times it's more back loaded and that its more than just the reprocessing work. Which I know and understand on a cognitive level, but can't get myself to feel it as OK in my body or in the moment when im spiraling feeling like I'm failing (EMDR, therapy, myself..) and weak and stupid.

We did also talk about the hopelessness being much more present than the maybe 5% of me that has hope things could be fundamentally different. ET frames it as state change versus trait change.