i do want to have sex with you.
a lot.
i miss your body. i miss the way you feel and the way you sound.
the way you taste.
i miss all of you.
i miss just fucking talking to you. hugging you. smelling you. laughing with you. sleeping next to you.
i hate this shit.
it’s just a fucking relentless ache.
it’s more than an ache. my stomach hurts at every fucking moment. my heart feels like it’s being squeezed in a goddamn vice grip.
i can’t even cry. i’m too grossed out.
i’ve been trying to be “zen” and “cool” … but i’m so tired of being forced to do that. my insides are completely wrecked over this shit.
and every time i try to think about us together sexually, i picture you with her. the last person you fucked. the last person you shared yourself with. the person you were thinking of apparently the WHOLE FUCKING TIME i was trying so hard to show you how much you mean to me.
you belong with me. so do the kids.
you’re so fucking special.
i thought you felt the same about me.
i just feel so fucking dumb. just so stupid. i hate that i ever believed you at all. i hate myself for this. i hate that i fucking moved here. i never should’ve come here. i can’t stand that i’m down the street and this is the way shit is. this shit is fucking torture and it has been the entire fucking time i’ve lived here.
you insinuated that i “ruined this for you” and you “lost a lot (her)” because of me.
how fucking dare you. like fr. go fuck yourself. or her, i guess. maybe her child bride will find out about it this time.
go get your fucking stubby fingered, mole-faced, poser p3d0 back and live your blake lively, morgan wallen-loving, 7th grade reading level, can’t dance, can’t dress, spoiled, entitled, never-faced-anything-real, white, racist, bumpkin-fuck gender-role-stereotyped-even-tho-she-doesn’t-even-support-trans-ppl-but-call-me-“daddy”-in-bed corny-ass fantasy life together. maybe she can learn how to not change the way she treats her children based on your every fucking mood when the wind blows the wrong way. maybe she’ll actually grow a spine or develop any redeemable morals or values or a point of view (that’s not just appeasing you) at all. lol. right.
but i guess you’ve been into that shit the entire time and i’m just seriously an idiot.
you may belong with me. but you sure af deserve her rn.
you both—your actions—make me sick. i honestly feel bad for her gf. i’m sure she wasn’t in the market to get used and cheated on by a person nearly twice her age to get her gf’s ex back. that’s so fucked up.
you’re both mothers, for fuck’s sake. i mean, jesus christ. how low can you go?
it’s all so fucked up. but also predictable af. i mean i’ve called literally every single thing about this. other than the fact that you “never (“don’t know if you ever”) loved me” and your heart/mind were “always with her.” you really fooled me there. mostly bc you fucking lied to me for 2 fucking years telling me that you didn’t have feelings “like that” for her and you’d “never be with her again.” lol. all you do is fucking lie. to her. to me. mostly to yourself.
and i’ll call it again: you feel lost rn bc the last 2.5 years of your life have been based on these lies in one way or the other. and she was your “safe place” after your marriage, so you feel she’s the same for you now. only—you’re actually growing. and she is a “peaked in high school” kind of person. so fine—maybe it’s nice and comfy for a few months … and then what? you start missing me. you start missing my brain and the way i fuck you. and then we start all this over again? lol. nah. you want her so fucking bad? you’re “so distraught” that “i” caused you to “lose her”? lol. go for it, babe. i PROMISE YOU—you’re gonna be way more disappointed than you think. because not only will she not fulfill you in the way you’re thinking she will, but you’ll have also lost me completely.
it’s all just fucking disgusting and the opposite of nearly everything i believe in. because unlike her—and i guess you too—i actually believe in the right thing.
and you really have the fucking nerve to come at me like i “did this” to you and caused you to “lose” her. while you’re telling me i never meant anything real to you.
lol. go get your girl.
i really hate myself for this. i fucking hate that i let myself feel hopeful—even a little bit.
thanks for taking my blinders off, i guess.
you made your fucking choice. over and over. i mean, clearly that’s what you want. but in the bedroom, you’re always gonna wish it were me instead. and if you’re listening to music. or watching a movie. or playing with the kids. or anything that involves any kind of grace or taste or higher intelligence or thoughtful conversation.
or—it was *always* her, right? lol. cool. okay. enjoy those 4th period vocab words and fingers that can’t even make it halfway thru your vaginal canal. hope you like shirt-on sex. and i just *know* her breath smells. i just know it.
as mentioned, i hope you have the life you deserve together.
i hate her with every ounce of my soul. and i hate the lack of character you turned out to have.
i look forward to finally moving on.
