Episode Thirteen: Crop Circle Jerk
[intro]
Ben:
Good evening! You’re listening to King Falls AM – that’s 660 on the radio dial.
Sammy:
Folks, we are jumping right into it tonight. We got Deputy Troy on the line live from Libbydale Farms. Hey, Troy, can you hear us alright?
Troy:
Loud and clear, Sammy. Heard you real fine, too, Ben.
Ben:
Suck an egg.
Sammy:
Okay so, Troy tell the listeners what you just told us right before we went on air.
Troy:
Ladies and gents, in all my years – and I mean all – I ain’t never seen anything like this. Not even comparatively close to what I’m lookin’ at right this instant.
Ben:
POINT. GET TO IT.
Troy:
Gosh darnit, Ben. I’m trying to sell the magnitude of what I’m feasting my eyes on!
Ben:
Who even knew you could see Libbydale Farms from so far out in the Kiss Ass Sea of Worthy SS Backstabber.
Troy:
You know GD well I’m not on a ship nor would it be called the SS Backstabber if I were. Don’t be so damn sore, Ben. Everybody knows I’m sorry! Plus I reckon my ship be called the USS Super Badass.
Sammy:
[clears throat] Troy. Ben. Let’s put our differences aside and let’s get to the matter at hand. So, Troy, you’re live at?
Ben & Troy:
Libbydale Farms.
Ben & Troy:
I’m trying to talk!
Sammy:
Guys!
Troy:
As- as I was sayin, I’m out here at the farm and out past the barns just hours ago, Old man Libbydale called us in and acres upon acres, boys, have been de-stroyed.
Ben:
Where were you earlier this evening, Troy?
Troy:
Using my keen detective skills and ninja like mental agility, I can see you’re trying to place me at the scene of the crime, little buddy. However Ol’ Troy was sawing logs next to the Mrs before my shift.
Ben:
While crimes are being committed? Typical.
Troy: Now that’s a low blow. Just because –
Ben:
NO! NO! YOU-
Troy:
Ben come on –
Ben:
[sarcastic] Ohhh yeah ohhh just soooo good at –
Sammy:
GUYS! Guys! I understand there’s a new intensity between you two, but Ben, as co-host of this show and a respected journalist…put it away. Troy, you’re the first friend of The Sammy & Ben Show and a deputy sheriff. You guys don’t have to be best buddies, but let’s please report on the news story at hand.
Troy:
Couldn’t have said it better myself, Sammy.
Ben:
Jesus.
Sammy:
So, Troy – Oldman Libbydale called you out. Acres of his lands destroyed. How so?
Troy:
Y’all ain’t gonna believe it, but you know I always shoot you straight. Two words: Crop Circles.
Sammy:
Crop circles?
Troy:
It’s like a live action Led Zeppelin album cover as far as the eyes can see. Big ones, little ones…the craziest damn designs you ever could imagine.
Ben:
Troy, I assume you and the rest of Gunderson’s thugs – I mean deputies – inspected the circles and the surrounding areas for man made tools. There have been stories of men with boards tied to ropes that can replicate what people believe crop circles to look like. Bending the crops at the right angles, etcetera… did you find -
Troy:
Didn’t find anything, Ben. Not a board, not a footprint, nothing but hunched over crops.
Ben:
So you think…?
Troy:
Oh there isn’t a doubt in my mind it’s the UFO’s or those lights. I mean, whichever you wanna call it. No man made these. And in just a few hours to boot!
Sammy:
Okay, so has this ever happened here before, Ben?
Ben:
No. Nor abductions. Not even the lights being so close to town. The past few months have been a hotbed for extraterrestrial activity, it would seem.
Sammy:
It would seem? So you aren’t certain?
Ben:
[laughs] I only said it would seem so you wouldn’t get all defensive about it.
Sammy:
Okay, alright. Well as much as I hate to say it, I definitely feel there’s a lot more than meets the eye here in Kings Falls.
Ben:
I’m not one to say I told you so. But I did tell you so!
Troy:
Just so everybody out there knows, Libbydale Farm is private property. So, unless you’re doing the dairy farm tour in morning, this is not an attraction for looky-loos. There is an official investigation still on going here. Plus don’t nobody need another person gettin’ snatched up by the Martians either.
Ben:
Martians are from Mars, Troy. They aren’t representative of all extraterrestrials.
Troy:
Whatever, Ben Nye the Science Guy. I’m headed out to the field again. I may not be smart as Ben about the aliens and such, but I can definitely sniff out a spot where the Williams Boys will come lookin for mischief and mayhem. [hangs up]
Sammy:
Deputy Troy, folks. Now I didn’t realize you and Troy were still so angry at one another, Ben. You can’t let that hostility –
Ben:
Thanks Dad… we’re just gonna take a break to hear from one of our fine sponsors. Maybe Sammy here can talk to me about the birds and the bees after we get back.
Sammy:
Maybe…
[ad]
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[intro]
Sammy:
You’re listening to King Falls AM and we’re opening up the phone lines to you. 424-279-3858.
Ben:
We’ll be talking about the apparent crop circles situation at Libbydale Farms as well as if any of you out there have had any experience with this phenomenon.
Sammy:
So give us a call or tweet us @kingfallsam. So, you’ve heard our story, now let’s hear yours.
Ben:
Line 3.
Sammy:
Good evening you’re live with Sammy and Ben.
Cynthia:
Good evening? For who? Certainly not King Falls!
Sammy:
Hi, Cynthia. How about you tell us how you really feel tonight.
Cynthia:
Well, to be honest I’m a little rattled over these gang signs these aliens are leaving on our turf. Literally.
Ben:
Cynthia, there is no way to tell if those circles are angry or happy, even. They’re just symbols.
Cynthia:
So’s a swastika, Ben Arnold. Get your head out of your tuchus!
Sammy:
Okay, obviously, we aren’t trying to raise alarms here, Cynthia. It’s just, uh, an interesting story. Especially here in our own backyard. Would you not agree? Uh, you know, it’s not every day you can see this kind of handy work, man made or otherwise.
Cynthia:
You two sound so happy. We’re getting tagged in an intergalactic war and all us in the Falls are sitting around at ground zero.
Ben:
I don’t think that’s fair –
Cynthia:
That’s the problem! You just don’t think. It’s all Tim Jensen’s fault, I just know it. We didn’t have any flying saucers and land tattooing bedlam before he chased those lights.
Ben:
He didn’t chase anything! He was driving from work and called to report on a breaking news story.
Cynthia:
Watch your tone, Ben. I’ll buy one of those disease ridden sugar flyers and toss it in Lake Hatchenhaw just to spite you!
Sammy:
Goodnight, Cynthia.
Ben:
Sugar glider. And they’re illegal.
Cynthia:
So are illegal aliens, but you’re just getting ready to throw them a parade. I can’t! I just can’t! [hangs up]
Sammy:
Heh, alright, uh… Line 12 you’re live on King Falls AM.
Emily:
Hi, Sammy! Hi, Ben!
Ben:
Emily! I – I didn’t realize you were back in town!
Emily:
I just got back. I was listening on the way in. My mom and I actually drove by the farm and saw all the commotion over there. Police, reporters, big lawn mower thingies…
Ben:
Lawn mowers?
Sammy:
Uh, you know, if you don’t mind me asking, Emily, why were you out of town?
Emily:
Oh I flew out to Buford, Wyoming for the annual small town librarian expo, and I had my mom pick me up from the airport since Ben was on the air.
Sammy:
Wow, so you guys are in the taking and picking up from the airport stage of your –
Ben:
Friendship. Is that the word you’re searching for, Sammy?
Sammy:
That was exactly the one, Ben.
Emily:
[laughs] You guys are so silly. But I just wanted to say hi and tell Ben I’m back home now! Oh! And starting next week, I’ve got a whole bunch of fun activities I learned from the expo to start doing at the library. Hopefully we can get some of the scared kids back now.
Ben:
I’ll call you later, Emily.
Emily:
Goodnight, Ben. Night, Sammy.
Sammy:
Emily Potter, ladies and gents. King Falls librarian and Ben’s…friend.
Ben:
Yeah, yeah. Lucky Line 1, you’re on King Falls AM.
Caller:
Hi, guys! It’s Greg Frickard!
Sammy:
Hi, Greg! You know, we appreciate you running the ads on the show, sir. It’s so nice to meet you… uh, over the phone, of course.
Greg:
Thanks, Sammy! I think we’ve talked before and uh, glad to run the spots. Me and Granny Frickard love the show! You should hop on down to the Froggery and we’ll hook ya up!
Sammy:
I might have to take you up on that offer, Greg!
Greg:
We’d love to have you! You too, Ben…
Ben:
Greg, you’re a lifelong King Falls resident…we’ve been talking about the crop circles out at –
Greg:
Oh I know. I’ve been listening, but I was actually calling about something else if that’s okay.
Sammy:
Uh yeah, sure thing, Greg. What’s on your mind?
Greg:
Well, I heard Ben and Ms. Potter a second ago and they made a declaration of friendship? Is that correct?
Sammy:
Oh. Uh. Is this about Emily?
Ben:
Did you call before when Emily was in the studio, Greg?
Greg:
Uh, no… [nervously laughs] that must have been…somebody else. But is that true, Ben? Are you and Miss Potter just friends?
Ben:
Good friends. Close friends. Real close.
Greg:
Huh. Welp that’s all I needed to know. Thanks a million, buddy.
Sammy:
Hey uh, Greg – you didn’t have a comment or –
Greg:
Oh, no. I just - [laughs] I don’t know the first thing about crop circles and what have you. Uh, it’s real interesting and all, but Ms. Potter’s lovely voice just…speaks to me. I always just assumed that Ben and Emily were bf and gf respectively, but… if that’s not the case then…
Sammy:
Ben? You okay?
Ben:
I don’t like putting our personal lives out there in the public eye.
Greg:
Well, gee, Ben. I’m only asking because if you’re into friendship with the lovely Ms. Potter, I’m afraid I just might be into courtship. Granny wants to see me married before going into the great By-and-By
Ben:
Okay, bye bye to you too, Greg. Looks like we lost line –
Greg:
I’m still here, pals! Now about that thing-
Ben:
[hangs up] Line 7 you’re on King Falls AM?
Sammy:
Did you just hang up on –
Ben:
I would never. Line 7.
Herschel:
I’d like to voice a complaint, right this instant.
Sammy:
Herschel?
Ben:
Is everything okay, Mr. Baumgartner?
Herschel:
Would I call into you nincompoops if everything was honky-dory?
Ben:
I guess not…
Sammy:
So what seems to be the issue, Herschel?
Herschel:
All this yackin about GD UFO’s and crop circles, for starters. Makes my damn di[censor] itch.
Sammy:
Sir! This is –
Herschel:
Did you call me to tell me what to think, comrade? Or did I call you to talk about an issue?
Sammy:
Please continue, Mr. Baumgartner…
Herschel:
Thank you. So, I’m out on the lake tonight – got up bright and early so I could make sure I got my special spot.
Ben:
Got up early? It’s just now a little past 2…
Herschel:
You the sleep police?! Ya little bastard… I thought not.
Ben:
Sorry, Herschel.
Herschel:
So I’m trollin, out on the – well, that parts top secret, boys. But I’m trollin, so I don’t scare the biggins away and those [censored] damn sons of [censored] rainbow lights start blowing through the sky. Looked like Joseph’s Amazing Technicolored Dreamcoat was fightin that big Jap lizard!
Sammy:
Godzilla? Please don’t use derogatory –
Herschel:
McCarthy would’ve skinned your ass alive, you red sack of [censored]! Can I tell my story?!
Sammy:
Of course, I’m just asking you not to –
Ben:
I’m on the button, Sammy. Herschel’s gonna Herschel…
Sammy:
Okay, so you saw the lights tonight…
Herschel:
Saw? Hell, they scared the literal piss out of me. The trickle down my Carhartt looks like the state of Florida. I’m out here naked as a jaybird! Not a fish in sight.
Ben:
I’m sorry, did you just reference a musical, Mr. Baumgartner?
Herschel:
Oh just cause I like some colorful metaphors means I can’t be refined, Ben?!
Ben:
I wasn’t – I didn’t – imply- I um I’m just saying-
Herschel:
Oh Mrs. Baumgartner – god rest your sexy soul, Edna – used to love those hippy-dippy singing plays. And I’d do anything to keep in those pants, fellas.
Sammy:
Oh, god.
Ben:
Awww. Can we get back to the lights?
Herschel:
That Edna. Oh, lemme tell ya… oh, uh, yeah – the damn lights! Yeah, so, I saw ‘em. What the hell else am I supposed to tell ya about it?
Sammy:
Well, you were calling to complain about them, I’m sure.
Herschel:
That’s right! I’d like to report that no good drunkard! Cecil Sheffield! Called that cumbersome ass-wart damn near 15 times to come bring me a pair of skivvies to no avail! Avoiding my calls and his duties as a co-winner of this damn boat!
Ben:
It’s so late, Mr. Baumgartner. I’m sure he’s sleeping now.
Herschel:
You would take up with him!
Sammy:
Ben’s just sayin that he isn’t avoiding you so much as he’s, you know, probably asleep.
Herschel:
Sleeping one off! Soggy son of a [censor]ch. He knows if I ring the special line, it’s a damn emergency.
Ben:
So, you guys have made up?
Herschel:
Made up my ass! If he’s gonna be co-anything with Herschel F. Baumgartner, that tallywackers gonna have to keep up his end of the bargain.
Sammy:
To be at your beck and call in case you… soil yourself…
Herschel:
Don’t be crass!
Ben:
So, you guys are actually sharing the boat? That’s awesome! I figured you-
Herschel:
I ain’t sharin a damn thing with that son of a [censored]. Stop stirrin the pot or I’ll make what Charlie did to John McCain look like foreplay, Ben Arnold!
Sammy:
So, to the point, you’re calling to complain about Cecil because he’s sleeping through your time of need?
Ben:
But he is corroborating seeing the lights, Sammy! That’s a big deal.
Herschel:
Just have an intern or something bring me some britches and stop the fiddle fu[censored] fuss! 32 long! I’ll be at Begley’s. He’s probably peering out his window lookin for a damn show… I don’t like beige! [hangs up]
Sammy:
You’re on King Falls AM with Sammy and Ben.
Riley:
Please hold the line for Mayor Grisham.
Sammy:
This again?
Ben:
[groans]
Sammy:
You know, I wondered, do you wake him when we say special key words, or…?
Riley:
Mayor, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.
Grisham:
Sammy. Ben. I hate to rain on your topic of discussion tonight, but let’s shut it down. It would be much appreciated.
Ben:
What?
Sammy:
The always fair, Mayor Grisham, folks. Remember this come election time next year.
Grisham:
Do you think that a public servant should have to call the local Tom & Joe Chuckle Hut Show to ask them not to jeopardize a police investigation?
Sammy:
Do you ever call Channel 13 and tell them what to report and how? We are a topical late night talk show, Grisham.
Grisham:
Mayor.
Sammy:
I didn’t vote for you.
Grisham:
Fair enough. I don’t expect you to respect anything but your own pathetic grab for ratings. Now, regarding Channel 13 –
Ben:
Sorry, Mayor. Obviously, Sammy is flustered. He wouldn’t have used such a bad example if he was thinking straight -
Grisham:
The answer to your question, Sammy, is no. I wouldn’t call in and tell a reputable news agency how to do their job. BUT, amazingly enough, I continue to have to ask you to stop your rhetoric seemingly once a month or so. Interesting, don’t you think?
Ben:
You do realize the only people that watch Channel 13 are drunks that can’t find the remote and animals left alone with the TV on, right?
Grisham:
Whatever helps you sleep better, Ben. I can tell you for a fact that right now Storm Sander’s is probably not working a local yokel interview and digging up the muck. He’s reporting on city ordinance 29.44371.
Ben:
Storm is knee deep in a barrel of backyard bathtub hooch during commercial breaks.
Sammy:
So, Mayor, what is this ordinance? Ya know, since we aren’t reporting the news to your liking, give us a glimpse into what works for you.
Grisham:
The add on to the local YMCA. The new menu at Rose’s. I’m not paid a handsome salary to do your job.
Sammy:
Oh, right! I forget you think you can dictate what we report on, for free.
Ben:
Sammy… they’re destroying the crop circles! That’s the ordinance!
Grisham:
There’s hope for you yet, Ben. Don’t go down with this ship. I’ll put a good word in for elsewhere.
Sammy:
You son of a [censored]! You’re destroying the crop circles? That could be the only thing that brings Tim Jensen home!
Grisham:
Don’t bring Tim Jensen into this! The city is paying Libbydale Farms a fair share for their remaining crops! But it is in the public’s best interest to mow down this batch of mischief accordingly! Especially after this broadcast.
Sammy:
[laughs] You are despicable.
Grisham:
These affairs aren’t your business to ramble on about. Do the weather! Talk about traffic! I mean, I filled those potholes! Stop making trouble!
Sammy:
Freedom of the press. When your assistant isn’t typing out our every word, maybe have her look it up and tell you all about it.
Grisham:
I can’t wait to hear about it! And here’s a little phrase for you to look up too: obstruction of justice.
Sammy:
Uh-huh.
Grisham:
Do you think using your connections to officers of the law to report on breaking news is fine and dandy, Stevens? You are perverting the course of this case. Certain things, especially ongoing issues, aren’t mean to be talked about until all the facts are out there. And you idiots are prying on the scene reporting with your bagel eating buddy who happens to be a cop.
Ben:
Not my buddy…
Sammy:
Ben.
Ben:
I’m not throwing you under the bus, Sammy. I just hate Troy.
Grisham:
So, the moral of the story would be, gents, somethings require couth. Somethings require kid gloves when handling. And most things don’t need to be aired in the public for ratings and entertainment. A perfect example being how I’m sure Sheriff Gunderson handled Deputy Kriegshauser on his own for calling into this joke of a show with police business constantly. Doubt you’ll see that done during a press conference.
Ben:
Uh, is that really necessary, sir?
Grisham:
This show is a breeding ground for incompetence and you’re now dragging your pals down with you. Straighten up and fly right.
Sammy:
Troy doesn’t need to be punished for you to make your point, Grisham.
Grisham:
Out of my hands. I’ve already had Riley send my opinion on and over to the Sheriff. Now again, I ask you, pick a different topic of discussion. Maybe one that won’t lead to the continued pain and misery for all those around you. Night, night, fellas.
Sammy:
I’m gonna call Troy.
Ben:
Umm We’ll be back after this, King Falls. We’ll take some calls about uh… I guess we’ll see…
[outro]