Fish chips
I know I usually do this on DeviantArt, but considering I haven’t done shit on that website for the past fucking 6 months or so, I figured I could dump this on Tumblr because I don’t have many followers here anyway. For the people who have no intention on reading a shit ass long message about absolutely nothing at all except for my anger and emo ranting, you can scroll past this and don’t even give this a single glance if you want to. I’m just putting it up here to lift this from my heart in the hopes of finally being able to move on with my life and getting happy again. Please don’t view this as attention seeking or anything like that.
Year reviews. Ain’t they fun? You can look back at the year and remember all the fun times. Cool, right? Well, let’s start off with my thoughts on 2013 in two words. Fuck 2013. I have never had this much a shitty year as 2013 has been. At first I thought it was the usual: Feeling down for nothing more than a couple of hours. Then I thought I could handle it. And then it crushed me entirely. It all started fun. I’ll admit I had my luck and laughter throughout the entire year and I’m glad I did, because that’s what kept me sane. But sometime during April, something just broke in me without even something happening.
I did things I’m proud of. Like coming out. That’s something to be proud of. Then I did things I’m not proud of, like lashing out at my friends for no fucking reason at all. Thinking back at those times, it still pisses me off. I still piss myself off. I’ve acted like a big, selfish jerk this year and that’s something people aren’t used to, I guess. Heck, I don’t just deserve the ‘jerk of the week’ award. I deserve the ‘jeark of the year’ award. Not that I’m gonna blame this entirely on me. There are certain things I still stand behind and certain people who need to get low fived in the dick. I’m sick and tired of being the bad guy and that’s exactly what I’m going to stop doing. Not just causing unnecessary fights, but also blame myself when it clearly isn’t just my fault. It might cost me some friends, but so be it. A wise woman once said that ‘if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best’.
So yeah, I’ve been a dick, but I feel like some others have been too. It’s thanks to these people that I’ve lost more trust in people than I already had and they’re one of the reasons I have difficulty opening up to people and showing my emotions. Do you know how much it sucks when someone makes you something or buys you a present and the only thing you’re capable of responding with is a sincere ‘thanks’? It’s not so easy to randomly hug someone for me and I personally hate it when someone tells me to ‘just do’ something when I clearly stated I can’t. Which brings me to my next point:
Throughout the last six months I’ve heard people tell me how they hate how easily I give up things now. How I run away from my problems. How much they hate to deal with me feeling down. Yeah, good call. Keep telling me that and I’ll hate myself even more. Do you think I like the way how I deal with things? It’s not like I love to feel this way – I’d much rather laugh too, thank you very much. I’m hating enough on myself as it is. You don’t have to make me feel worse about it. How about, instead of telling me how wrong my method is, you help me out, huh? How does that sound? I personally don’t like the fact that I run away, but as long as an issue gets prevented, then I don’t see the harm. Especially not when it’s an uprising fight I’m trying to dodge. But eh, if I run it’s no good and if I tell what’s on my mind it’s not fucking good either, because then all hell breaks loose again.
I’ve tried my hardest to stay positive along the year, but as more time passed, I just couldn’t see it anymore. Heck, I even forget all the good times in 2013 because the bad ones are so heavy on me. Seriously, if someone asks me about something good that happened this year, then I need a minute or two to think and remember, but when they ask for the opposite, I can rant a full hour on what was wrong. I ain’t saying that’s a good thing at all. It is a very, very bad thing. But it’s a thing and that thing has been going on for too long now. To me, 2013 has been full of deception and nothing but lies. I can only remember those lies. I can’t remember the good things that have been told me and I hate that so much. I feel like instead of getting my wall crumbled, three more have been built around it and instead of getting my mirror fixed, it just smashed to pieces even further.
Figures I should just stop here. I’m getting angrier (at myself) by the second and this isn’t even getting anywhere. I had no intention by offending anyone at all. If, by any chance, you do feel that way then I apologize. I’m just so tired of keeping it in – I had to get it out for once. Just to vent my mind. It isn’t even a review. I didn’t learn much from this year, even. No good things, at least. Learning that you hate yourself isn’t exactly a useful thing if you ask me. I suppose it’s good to know so you can work it out, but… Eh, you get what I mean.
Here’s to a happier 2014. Merry Christmas and a happy new year to y’all.