Hey so... I'm feelin' kinda like garbage and here's why... I guess.
So... Everytime I go to write smth like this, it seems to get harder and harder. But more often than not it's the only option I can see.
Cuz either some of what I wanna talk about is either too personal or too much to bring up to anyone I normally talk to.
Then there's also the problem of not wanting to keep bothering those same people with my bullshit.
They've got their own lives to worry about. So if I can't, at the very least, help them, I'm definitely not gonna keep piling my crap onto them as well. They're not my emotional punching bags, I just can't do that...
That's when I go to try to write one of these, but then similar problems show up:
· too personal
· too much
· not important enough
Or even just the simple problem- er... "simple" problem, of not knowing how to word it.
I try to be extremely careful with my words cuz I don't ever want to get the wrong idea across or waste time trying to correct myself.
D'y'know how exhausting that is??
That's why I'm so quiet and hidden away from people, I don't have the energy to try to socialize when I have to put so much thought into how I say shit.
Granted, not every conversation happens like that. Sometimes I feel comfortable enough to kinda just say... whatever. But even then I'm still careful about what I say.
On top of that, I'm very introverted. So nearly every interaction with people is tiring in some way, so I spend so long just trying to recover.
Of course some of this may be avoiding, or even some of it could be me "recovering" from whatever stressful/taxing situation I was just in. It's.... infuriating, and I have no clue what to do. I have no discipline, no self control, no confidence, no strong motivations.. I feel like nothing rn...
.....I feel like the majority of my existence is complaining at this point. I'm just wasting my time complaining on the internet to absolutely no one, when I could have a fucking job right now. A partner, an apartment away from my family, a mother-fucking life of my own!
But no.
My circumstances have thrown me into a reality where I have amazing ambitions and so much love to give, but not a goddamn ounce of willpower to do a thing about it.
I might be able to do amazing things right now, but instead I'm lying down in my shitty, years-old mattress/bed, bitching about what could've been and wishing for shit to happen while not putting in any of the effort to get it done, cuz I can't see past my reality.
Or maybe that's not the problem... Hell if I know or care anymore. I just can't stop sinking. But at this point...
I'm gonna go. Maybe find a way to pull my head outta my own ass for 5 minutes and actually talk to someone. Instead of shouting my problems at the 2 or 3 people actually reading this.
...
Hope you have a good weekend everybody!
v ^w^)*